I am fairly new here, but thought I would share my sitch. My W and I have been together 6 years and married for 4 of that. Anyway this April she walked out and is currently staying at one of her friends house along with this friends boyfriend.
Her primary reasons for leaving were my being to controling and overbearing, and some lack of affection in which I have fully admitted to her.
Before we started counseling we did a movie date that went pretty well overall. The fallowing week we started counseling which I thought was good in itself, however I felt like the counselor seemed somewhat one sided in her favor like everything was all my fault. Anyway the counselor had us do weekend dates. I got to pick the first date in which the activity part of the date went well, but went all to hell at dinner. The next weekend she picked the date, overall it went well. I waited to see if she would take my hand and it wasn't long and she did. I did try to lightly let go a few times just to see if she would firm up her grip and she did. The date ended with her approaching me with a hug.
About a week later she ask me if I wanted to do one more counseling and I said "Honestly I don't want to go back to her, but I have been told about another counselor that is highly recomended and very good at what he does so that is where I am going to go." I was shocked when she agreed to go since she liked the first counselor. Anyhow we went together the first time to the new counselor. She spoke first and wasn't long when she mentioned she wanted a D which I already knew about from a letter she gave me about 3 weeks earlier. She still seem pretty addiment about it, wanting to do her own thing. However she filled out the paperwork to counsel and we have since done 3 more counseling sessions by ourselves total of 4 at present with this new counselor. Twice she has told me that she likes this counselor better than the first one we had.
A couple weeks ago I helped her with some school stuff and got to spend 3 hours with her. She seemed very receptive, we did't really get into any R talks. Just keeped it general converstation and I'm just trying to be her friend. Just last week she ordered a laptop for school and ask me if I would help her set it up in which I did. Took 5 hours, things were friendly and got a hug in the end.
I have been working on myself a lot since the day she left, she says she can see some change, I can also see good change in her. I have noticed that she hasn't pushed the D issue but sometimes she is hard to read.
Now she is wantig to sell one of our vehicles and get something that is better on gas milage. I don't have a problem with that. She as asked me to go with her to work the deal which I was greatful for when she mentioned it.
I have been giving her a lot of space and time in which she noticed and said she appreciated. I normally don't call her, I wait on her which sometimes can be a week, that sucks.
Since we have been apart for 8 weeks there have been no I love you from her, I have said it maybe twice. She normally doesn't show but very little affection if any. We havn't gone on a date in about 5 weeks. She called tonight to ask about some car looking which I was game for. I ask her what she was doing Sunday, cause in the past month we talked about going to the circus, but she said she didn't know, I got the drift that was going to be a no, but she said she would think about it.
I guess at the this point with no R talks just yet, the lack of affection, and very little sign of her moving towards me I am starting to feel frustrated, however I'm trying to stay focused, work on myself, and be very patient.
Most important of all is that I have turned this over to God. I have got a lot of comfort form this.
I know I may sound like I'm rambling but I would like anyone's input or advice as to what they think of my sitch.
God bless all of you out there that are going through the same thing.
1st that jumps to me is that she was willing to try your counselor even though she already liked the one you guys were seeing.
What that says to me, is that she seems to want the counseling and forward progression to continue regardless of who is the actual couselor or not. That is huge IMO
2nd is that you appear to be doing the right things too...allowing that space even though its so difficult for you. Its a sacrifice that must be made and you seem to realize that. And instead of reacting like a victim, you continue to offer the olive branch.
I suggest you maintain what you are doing, I feel you are on the right track. Keep going, keep improving and she will continue to notice. She already has noticed, and likely is hoping it will continue.
Like my girl, she needs to be 100% satisfied things wont revert back to the old ways. And at times they will, like you mentioned dinner going to hell. But sounds like you quickly rebounded and she appeared to appreciate it and forgive it.
I can relate, its so hard not to discuss the R when its such a massive thing in our minds. But I applaud you for continuing to find other positive things to talk about. Its very comforting to have friendly dialog with her isnt it?
So keep it up dude!
Me: 37 Wife: 40 Son: 7yo Son: 18 mo Bomb: 12/31/07 Status: Reconciled 1/2009 but backsliding terribly right now
Thanks for all your insight, it is good to get others opinions. What you have said helps re-affirm things and lifts me up a lot. I have read The Divorce Remedy and my W has a copy too. She did start reading it, but last Friday she said she really isn't into self-help books to much right now. On another note I have taken up a couple of activities 1. I landscaped the front yard, she saw it before I got done, says she liked it, however it has changed a lot since she saw it. 2. I have been working out for a little over 2 months now and have lost 17.5 pounds. I'm doing it for me, but for her too. I feel way better. She has really noticed that, says that I need to get some new pants, lol. My waist has gone from a 34-36 depending on pants to a 30-32. I would like to lose 12 more pounds and get to 185. Told her I would like to achieve getting some tone, cut & a tan for more sex appeal look. Mention this to her in person, she gave me the yeah, uh huh nods, but looking at her I think I could see her mind working. She herself is big on exercise and fitness, I have been lazy. If she thiks she can out do me, she may be wrong cause it just makes me want to try harder. Anyway said she was going to call me today, I figure it has something to do with car looking. I'm not going to mention the circus again I'm going to wait and she what she does, I have already put it out there. Guess we will see what happens. Everyday that we are apart that goes by I hope puts me one day closer to be back together, like the clock is ticking down. I try to look at it this way, seems to help some. As for friendly dialog I hope that it is building a stronger foundation from which we can work from in the future. I think she is still confused on some things and trying to figure it all out. She difinately wants to be sure that things don't go back the old way, this I know for sure. I'v been trying to prove myself, she has noticed, but I guess it takes a good amount of time for her to feel reasured.
we (WAS) do notice and it does take a long time, with regularity & consistency, to reassure us that your changes are 'for real'. Even after you win us back, these need to be changes that are in place for good.
Keep it up. It does matter, we do notice, & hopefully it will bring you peace to know you changed for the better for you.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Conrats on making progress with the fitness thing! I am very happy that you are legitimately enjoying it for yourself. If this has been something your wife was always interested in, you now have a new interest to share together.
Thing with my wife, when I try to share her interests with her in attempts to become a more well rounded individual as well grow closer to her - her main concern is that I am only doing it for her. Which pretty much means once I am satisfied she is back, then maybe I will lose interest in that shared activity.
So its not too hard to understand that POV
Anyhow - no gurantees of course, but things sound promising
Fitness stuff aside, what other improvements are you making for yourself?
Typically in a WAS situation, it is many unplesant things that have compounded over the years that drove the person into the dirt believing the only sane and loving thing they could do for themselves is leave. They gave up hope. And I doubt someone getting a little soft in the middle would be the sole reason another lost hope.
For me: (no order of priority)
1.) Improve communication & listening skills. Obviously beneficial for life in general. Work relationships, friendships, relationship with my wife, etc. So this was something I needed and wanted to work on to enjoy my life as a whole better. This was the only area I read a book in and found it to be very helpful, almost common sense that for whatever reason I just wasnt getting.
2.) Figure out why I could have controlling behavior, be tempermental, judgemental, critical. Again, obviously beneficial for life in general. Sure, she may benefit from my addressing these issues, but so would I, so would my son, and so would pretty much every human being I come accross. We had a few joint counseling sessions, but most of this work has come from exhaustive & honest self examination.
3.) Learn to appreciate the interests she has that I in the past did not care for. It will only make me a more well rounded & diversified person as well as help bring us closer together. And who knows, maybe she too will become more open minded about exploring the things that interest me and we have that much more we can share together.
I take nothing for granted though. I can feel similar sentiment that its only a matter of time before things really improve between us. However if I allow myself to honestly believe that, I fear I may slip into complacency in improving myself and thats the last thing I want to do.
Me: 37 Wife: 40 Son: 7yo Son: 18 mo Bomb: 12/31/07 Status: Reconciled 1/2009 but backsliding terribly right now
Sorry it took me so long to respond, had to get some work stuff out of the way.
Anyway I total agree with everything you have said for my own sitch as well. It all applies to me too.
The strongest thing I have found is being back in church and putting my relationship with God first and seeing my relationship with him grow everyday. It is making me a better person and I have realized how bad I was. My W wife says that she has noticed a positive change in me and that I seem a lot happier than I used to be, and SHE IS RIGHT!
I have finally come to the point that I can see the person (a$$) that she was talking about that I thought I understood what she was saying at the time, come to find out my mind was in a deep fog and I didn't know it no matter what she said. I told her that I see that person now and that I feel like there is a line in the sand where I was one person and finally crossed over into this new person that I am and continually work on. When I explained to her I think she understood that I finally understood what she was talking about. Also it makes me feel so stupid looking back why I didn't get it, but if you don't know you just don't know until something drastic finally happens that forces you to finally search for the ansewers to what happened here, what went wrong. I feel like I am finding myself. She has also said that she has some work to do on herself, that she doesn't know who she is and that she needs to find herself. Since we've been apart I can tell that she has made good progress. I have uplifted her, commended her, and supported her in many ways in which she responded well. I do still get those up and down days from her, but I think thats just part of the process as slow and painfull as it is, it sucks. However she has been in pain longer than me, but be going through it now lets me see how painful it is, but at the same time this pain helps has a great reminder of the same mistakes to not make again because we both come out loser.
One thing I have found helpful is going to the rejoiceministries website click on the Q&A tab and read all the Q&A. The ansewers that have scripture I write the BOOK & VERSES on a 3x5 and then go back and read what the bible says. Trust me there is a lot that applies to marriage, divorce, infidelity, adultery, life in general that will give you a lot of ansewers plus it is uplifting.
I have learned that in the past I didn't realize just how much I took her for granted. Now I want to support her, love her like in the way that I should have been doing, and most importantly HONER her. Study HONER in the bible, I think a lot of people don't do this.
I was scared when she left that she wasn't coming back, but since turning over to God I calmed down. It says in the bible that whatever you pray that your prays will not go un-ansewered, but also they may get ansewered in a different manner than what you might think, or want, but they will be ansewered. So I pray a lot. She did tell me a couple weeks ago that she has been praying a lot which is good, but she isn't going back to church just yet, hopefuly soon.
This was really nice too read! I love hearing this stuff! It sounds great. I'm very happy for you. Keep it up. I'm going to keep tabs on this- I'll be watching you!
Well just an update since talking to her yesterday and her saying that she would call me today, hmm. I was out talking to friends for a good while and had left my phone in the house. Anyway when I got and checked my phone looks like I didn't miss much as in no missed phone calls. Some how I don't think I should be to surprised. I think one of might pet peves is if someone tells me something then they should keep there word, if they can't keep there word than why bother, cause to me it's like a lie. Now I'm not sitting by the phone, but at some point she needs to fallow through. Makes me wonder just what it is that she is doing or if I could just get inside her head. It also seems that she talks to me when she wants or needs something other wise talks are very little right now.
I have a question for anyone who wants to take a stab at it. Since my W has been staying at her friends house along with this friends boyfriend for the last 2 months just how long is that arrangment going to work out until they start getting irritated at each other. My guess would be about 2-4 more months for a total of 5-6 months. She imposing on another couple in my opinion, I would think after while that would get old for them.
sooner dont bank on a time limit, my ex has been gone 3 years and married the woman he took off with, nobody believed it would last but 3 years is a long time and her longest relationship to date
