Seperation Success Stories?

[7 Year Itch]

So I'm desperately needing to hear of some success stories after separation. Anyone have any. H will probably be moving out within the next 2 weeks (getting some things finalized, I have an interview on a job Monday etc.......), and I'm seriously feeling like it's the beginning of the end.

He has said repeatedly he knows he is done, it'll never change etc. Yet tonight when we discussed what we should say to our D's when it happens, he said we tell them "Mommy and Daddy aren't getting along right now, and we think we'd all be happy if we took a break from each other for while etc.". So I said........ "What happens when D6 asks if you are going to come back home?" I know she will because she's asked me several times if Daddy is ever going to sleep in our bedroom again (he's been sleeping downstairs for over a month). To which he said. "I don't think we tell her we are getting divorced. We take it one day at a time. He says as long as we are making progress towards the divorce (ie me getting a job, him moving out etc) he will delay the actual filing. Meanwhile he is CLEAR in telling me that I should still have NO hope, and he doesn't forsee anything changing, but that he truly won't know until he moves out and sees.

So part of me is staying hopeful, yet I've see the "done" look in his eyes, and his message hasn't waivered ONCE in the two months since the bomb. This separation has my heart breaking for my girls, AND me. I feel like it's really just the next step to divorce rather than reconciliation.

Help. I need to hear something positive. I still am waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

Chris

[Trixi]

I don't know if I will be a success story or not. Actually, ultimately, regardless of the outcome, I will be a success story. Either way, this experience has forced me to grow and push some envelopes.

My story is long and convoluted; my H has been wishy washy for quite some time. He moved out in Aug of last year, then he moved back and I rented a house in Jan of this year. In that time frame, he has gone from "we shouldn't see each other" to "we're dating but can see others platonically" to "I don't see us together in the future" to "lets file in January-and how 'bout we do it online. No point in prolonging the inevitable" and now "we're dating exclusively and I'm not looking elsewhere--but take it REALLY slow."

He feels that this time apart has been very good. We are dating and he likes me as his "girlfriend". BUT BUT BUT, he does like being single and being able to do as he pleases when he pleases. So things are not all peaches and cream. He is taking things one day at a time and watching to see how things go.

My H was weird because he would say odd things like "nothing is forever" (meaning divorce) and "even if we got a divorce and saw other people, we might run into each other in two years and get back together." (That was when he was pitching divorce.)
More recently (prior to our trip to Costa Rica) he was dropping hints like that I was "winning him back." Very recently he said that he wasn't going to let me win that easy. *sigh* Lots of history to overcome.

I have no idea how it will turn out; but if he does come back, it will be because he loves me and actually knows I can't be replaced like an old pair of shoes.

Oh, check out minkerman's thread. His wife was moved out and they are back together. SallyM, NikB too.

Use this time to work on yourself. I just went thru a real rough backsliding time frame during the last 4 weeks; but yesterday decided that I am going to see the good parts of living without him-- I don't have to make dinner every night; the house stays as clean as I make it; I can come and go as I please; I can watch what I want on TV; I don't have to deal with a morose person making me feel bad about myself; I decorated my house like *I* wanted; the time we do spend together is undivided attention instead of just occupying the same room. It's not ALL bad.

Keep posting- it's a great place to be. errmmm, not that a person would *want* to be here, but given the circumstances...well, you know what I mean.

[LolaL]

It depends on how you handle it. I agree, Trixi, that no matter what the outcome I will be a success story. I lost myself for such a long time, and this separation has forced me to find myself again.

I have made alot of mistakes, both during the M, and during the S, but I have learned so many valuable lessons. Ultimately I would love to start over with my H, but I also know that there are areas that I need to work on, and that I cannot force him to be with me. But I do know that there is a strong bond between us, and that hopefully, some day, we will begin again.

The other thing I noticed from your profile is that, and I know this is hard to hear, it has been only a few months. I understand that in our minds and hearts, it seems like a lifetime, and the pain is agonizing. But never say never. My H did not speak to me for the first three months more than once a week. He was absolutely sure he never wanted to be with me again, and I would hear anger in his voice every time we spoke. Eventually that anger subsided, and we started talking regularly.

Now here is the clincher. Take it slow. The marriage did not break down overnight, and it will not be fixed overnight. I made the mistake of begging, pleading, clinging, and ultimately my H backed away again. He just called, and I realized that I cannot tell him how to feel. Validation is an important step for the WAS. And although DBing is not a guarantee, you will come out of this stronger than you ever thought you could be. You will find you again, the strong, independent, beautiful person within.

(((Chris))) from one Chris to another (shhhh the sn is Lola) be strong, have patience and keep the faith. When I feel really low, I recite the Serenity Prayer and reflect on what it really means!

Lola

[7 Year Itch]

Thanks so much for your insights you guys. You know, it is amazing how time seems to be standing still. 2 months can feel like so long, and at other times pass in an instant. On one had it feels like I just got the "bomb" yesterday, and on another hand time is ticking so slowly.

I'm really trying to get in the mindset that this could be good. I just don't know. Then last night I got some confusing messages from him, so I think while he won't admit it, and is ADAMENT about not giving me any hope. I do think there is some confusion in there. So I'm going to just really try to give him the space, GAL, and pray that space helps us. It just feels so odd. I truly cannot imagine not living with this man I have been with for 12 years. I can't imagine my girls not seeing him everyday. They have a whole routine when he gets home from work. One runs and hides and waits for him to come find her. The other runs STRAIGHT to the garage door waiting for it to open when she sees his car come down our road.

It's all the daily little things, that even though things are strained right now, I truly cannot imagine having.

Chris

[minkerman]

So far, my situation is a success story. I spent four long months here in Separated, before suddenly one day my wife asked if she could come home.

She told me so many times that I lost count
"The door is closing"
"I don't want to get your hopes up"
"I'm 95% out the door"
"I don't see you in my future at all"
"You are smothering me"
"I feel like we are done"
"I don't have loving feelings for you anymore"
"I want you to start dating others and getting on with your life"
"I know you don't want to hear this, but I am moving on" (this was the day before we reconciled).

So, one day I finally saw my future, crystal clear. I realized that I had detached totally, so we went out for dinner, where I told her we were breaking up for good. I had met a couple of nice women and I was going to casually date. She was intrigued, but also surprised. The next evening she called and said she wanted to try again. I welcomed her back. She is concerned about me forgiving her, but there is nothing to forgive. the past is gone and we only have today.

It wasn't as simple as I make it sound here, we did talk a lot during our separation, but these are the main points.

It isn't what I'd call a struggle right now, but let's just say that it takes time for the feelings, the trust, the new boundaries, to be determined.

I am hopeful and optimistic...but cautious!

Hope this helps you....

[7 Year Itch]

Well, the next bomb was dropped, then we ML afterwards. Go figure. I'm so confused and destroyed.

H plans to move out next Monday. And on the advice of his therapist on how to handle it with kids our age, she told us we should tell them at the last minute. So nice Father's Day coming up. They'll have a nice day with Dad, then that night we get to destroy their little worlds.

I'm so upset. I just cannot believe he sees ending this all as preferable to rebuilding. I mean we have SO much more to rebuild from then I see many others on here. I cannot believe what some couples come back from on here.

He says I'm a great Mom, good person, he doesn't have ill feelings towards me, we've ML 4 times since Friday, so even though he says he's no longer attracted to me, I'm not buying it. We've had some of the best sex of our relationship over the last 2 months. And he says he's already seen a lot of positive changes in me. But (there is always the but), he feels NOTHING towards me, and that isn't going to change.

I just don't get it. He had said in the past when I suggested a separation that he felt I stoood a better chance with him in the house than with him gone. So now that is ringing in my ears. I cannot believe this could be the last time my family is together under one roof. I'm dreading this week ,and just feel like a basket case.

I know in my heart this is so wrong. So so wrong for the girls, me AND him. He could have everything he wants/needs with us working together. We have some of the best communication about our needs that we've ever had. Why can he not see this as an opportunity for real growth in our marriage. Why is ending it easier?

So are there any success stories when the person moves out with the idea that this is just the next step to D, rather than it being a productive separation?

Chris