Is she a simple WAW or MLC??

[Flipper]

Although my W fits the typical WAW syndrome, I am kinda scared that she is MLC (which there is no quick fix for).

Before we separated, she was at the gym and lost a ton of weight. But I could set my watch by her and she always wanted to spend weekends at home with me. In other words, she was home allot. In fact, she originally tried to get me to the gym with her, but my depression got the best of me and I declined.

At one time, she exclaimed that she was looking good and could have any man she wanted. That freaked me out! She has also said that she doesn't know what she wants but "wants to be alone!" and "I just don't want to be married". That was when I used to pressure her. Now she hasn't said these things.

She fits the WAW profile, in that she bottled up stuff and often something was bothering her, she was distant, we hardly had sex. Then she kept saying, "You are so unhappy and nothing I do helps..."

In November, she finally broke down into tears and said, "I have to let you go...I've tried everything..." The shrink told her to let me go and, so after her appointment, that what she came home and told me. Sweeet. Gotta love shrinks!

She is 38 and gorgeous. No SIGN of a EA/PA yet. I have have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and now take medication for it. So there is a plausible cause of the breakdown. That part is no mystery. I now feel great and am DBing like crazy. Our relationship seems better and the other day, she called me "honey".

Although I know I did not help our marriage (I was negative, insecure, etc.), I still wonder if she is in MLC. She kept saying "we need to get happy". She now has a tan, wears nice dresses, started modeling. She never did that before. It's hard to know if it's MLC or she is just being kind to herself. A few months ago, her shrink suggested she might being having MLC. But it's hard to tell if I was depressed all the time.

Honestly, I would much rather it be my fault. At least I can fix ME. She is very kind to me lately, since I have backed off and stopped talking about the R.

Word has gotten back to me that she might be looking for changes in me, which I am making. Again, since I have STOPPED talking about our R, we seem to be getting along better and laughing more. Again, I feel great and I miss her! I have been adamant and told her that I will be working on myself and that I cannot "move on". She has replied, "I wouldn't want you to."

The other day, she asked me to lunch and later we had a good time. She me laugh and I saw the old, sweet W. We're in the hugging stage, "just friends". Beats being angry. I have seen some positives although she is going forward with the D. Any questions or advise from anyone? Is this MLC?

[peacetoday]

F
Its hard to say if its mlc or WAW
but the dbing is the same
she is at the right age for MLC and has the signs..looking good, younger
more will be revealed
patience is the key and just continue working on self
right now anything is possible
some spouses file and dont go thru
some never file and still dont return
there is no way to know at the beginning
it takes usually 1-2 plus years from what i see
usually its up to us to see how long we can wait it out
no guarantees except many LBS do come out of this stronger with self esteem / happiness and all the other rewards one gets with positive change
we needed this crises to wake up and change
so keep with thte changes and w will be curious
without DBing , we LBS would most likely totally ruin any chance to restore R
peace

[Flipper]

Thanks, peace.

Tomorrow was to be our 11th anniversary. because we've been getting along, so I stuck my neck out and asked her if she would go to have Japanese food with me. I didn't make it about the anniversary. She was too busy. Nice. But she has no problem asking me to lunch. It just hurts. Thanks for the advice. I'll live.

[peacetoday]

F
Going to lunch is a good thing if you can stay together with no expectations
be upbeat, listen like to a friend and validate then go on your way
These WAS/mlcers seem to like to keep connected to us
not sure why -they ease slowly into their new life
My H alwatys stayed connected to us
I used that time to change so he could see it first hand
Its 16 months later..he is still gone but visits frequently
says he wants D but hasnt filed
and still doesnt want to return
it is a long haul
peace

[SirPrizeMe]

Doesn't sound like MLC to me.
It sounds more like you just grew apart and the relationship got stale.

That isn't a happy place, but it sure feels salvageable to me.
The good news is you have plenty to do - plenty of work on you. Patience.

The problem is the divorce proceeding will make you feel worse. What I might suggest is that you ignore the legal issues. Try to separate the idea of divorce from the idea of your relationship. I know that sounds odd, but it may be helpful. a divorce is just a piece of paper. Just as a marriage is just a piece of paper. There are plenty of people who are legally married but not really "married", you know what I mean? The paper doesn't make a marriage. And the same is true with the divorce paper. Legally it is meaningful, but the meaning it has for you, and your attitude, is up to you.

If it tortures you that the divorce is proceeding, then you'll feel worse, you'll be tense or more depressed, and that's not where you wanna be. You wanna be patient, comfortable, anchored, calm, steady, and happy. That's what I mean by, keeping the legal issue separate from your relationship...

[Flipper]

Yeah, it's kind of hard to blame this on MLC if I had a scorching case of post traumatic stress disorder. I guess that would be enough for any spouse. Also, it does me no good to focus on her. I feel much better focusing on me. At least I have some positive control there. That is really where I need to maximize my time. I have to stop wondering about her and what she is doing.

You're absolutely right about not letting the D proceeding poison our relationship. When she served me the papers, she was shocked that I didn't nut-up or something. Instead, I remained loving and welcomed her phone calls. She has not brought up the property settlement lately. She is moving slowly. But the D is final in August and I will lose my medical insurance (I am on hers). So now I have to bring it up or lose my insurance. Just great! But I'll have to deal with it.