Separate or Not Separate?

[cat03]

He has the responsibility to provide for you and the kids, in my state one can file for child support, and based on both your incomes he needs to cough up enough to cover your rent/mortgage, food, bills, etc etc. Filing for CS has nothing to do with being separated legally or not, so you dont' have to worry about that (check the laws of your state).

I also wouldn't file for LS in efforts to "make him" wake up, not just yet, he has his head up his arse specially since he himself admits he is confused (arent' they all, *sigh*) and he doenst know what he is doing. The obsession of the fantasy oow has him unable to see straight.

You can protect yourself financially by moving funds from your accts, it all depends who is the breadwinner and how you guys have your finances set up. About ccards, I was the primary in all of them, so I got his name taken off all of them (he didnt' like it, but tough, I wasnt' going to finance his shenanigans).

[Barbara66]

Hey Puppy. I always look forward to a post from you! I guess I am struggling with HOW to make it more difficult. Part of me wants to buy a plane ticket on the same flight he is on and see if he still goes or gets off the plane. Ahh, put that would be pursuing behavior. I know that HE has to see that the grass isn't greener.

Snow - His mother told me that I needed to tell him about the email from the OOW. If I didn't, she would. I told him about it, even gave him a copy. He hasn't spoken to me since. Threw daggars at me at S11's concert last night. What the He## did I do? I just smiled back at him (lovingly, of course). She asked him about it and he replied "it is what it is." Do you think he knew about it? What is that response about and why is he now seemingly mad at me??

Cat - Yes, I have the option of filing for just CS. I have the papers all filled out. I'm just afraid. It feels like I'm giving up. I worry that I may be at a disadvantage financially. He is still paying all the household bills, car payments, etc. But with the rising cost of gas and groceries, I'm strapped. I pinch every penny I can. Walking to work, consolidating trips, no take-out food, etc. I owned our home free and clear BEFORE we got married. We took out a home equity in both names and I don't know how that will all shake out. I need to put my kids first, but don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hey Puppy. I always look forward to a post from you! I guess I am struggling with HOW to make it more difficult.

There are lots of different ways, but it needs to be SOMETHING. And that is, something other than angry/pissy/pouty/shouting from you (not saying you've even done that). There has to be real, honest-to-goodness CONSEQUENCES to his decision to carry on an affair under your nose.

How about changing the locks while he's gone, and leaving his stuff out in the garage?

Have you considered exposure?

Have you shifted your demeanor toward him to one of a business partner or roommate?

These are all debatable, but it needs to be something. Something other than "gee, I hope you'll choose me."

In my own sitch, I:

- confronted my wife, letting her know I knew all about her affair, and that it needed to stop -- NOW -- as it was disrespectful to me, our marriage and our family;

- exposed her affair immediately to our two adult daughters (D21, D18);

- exposed her affair to her employer, since it was taking place at work and they both worked there;

- exposed the affair to OM's parents, my wife's parents, and hers and my siblings;

- stopped paying for her cellphone, tummy tuck, make-up, hair coloriong and lingerie;

- immediately distanced myself into "Joe Friday" mode -- "just the facts, ma'am." I was polite and civil, but the intimacy and friendship of husband-and-wife was immediately changed;

- I sought a legal consultation, and let her know that I had.

They have to feel it, in my opinion.

Now, WHILE I did all that, I also began DBing -- GAL (joined a softball team, started working out, meeting buddies for beers 1x/week, etc.), doing 180s, making myself the better choice, etc. But as I DID those things, she definitely knew that I was emphatically NOT going to enable her affair in any way whatsoever.

Puppy

[Barbara66]

Hi Puppy.

I have changed the locks (he was not happy about that) and I did pack up most of his clothes and now use his dresser for my off-season clothes. I did expose the affair to his parents and he then took it upon himself to tell his siblings. I have thought about exposing the affair to OOW parents (I just got that info), but have been holding back because I know it will piss him off. I have tried to treat him as more of a friend/room mate, although it is difficult because I love him so damn much. He is still paying for all of the household bills, but I have to still pay for groceries, gas and incidentals for the house and kids and for repairs to my vehicle. I am usually strapped. He knows I have consulted an attorney and so has he. I realize that he has the best of both worlds right now. I have been GAL (spending way more time with friends, dropped 46 lbs (and still trying to lose a few more), exercising, etc. I want to make myself the better choice, but am concerned that if I do expose to OOW parents, or let him know that I am aware that he is flying to CT to spend 4 days with her, that my actions will be to the contrary. I want to take the high road and I struggle with the fact that those actions seem vindictive. I realize I am fighting for my marriage, but my H stated that he was "emotionally checked out of our marriage a long time ago and OOW was not in the picture until after he was emotionally gone from our M" I realize she is not the CORE problem, but she is, part of the problem now. I'm thinking of filing for CS, but need to make sure that I am doing the best thing, financially, for me and the kids.

[Barbara66]

BTW, H moved out in April and is living with his parents (no rent, no utilities, no grocery shopping, no laundry) Mommy is taking very good care of him. I love my mother-in-law, but she cooks him dinner and does his laundry. He truly does have the best of three worlds.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Barbara,

Good deal on what you've done so far.

How about merely saying to him, "I hope you're not going to see her in Connecticut; that would be incredibly disrespectful to our marriage," and see what he says?

btw, why do you call OW "OOW"? I'm not familiar with that abbreviation.

thanks,

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

BTW, H moved out in April and is living with his parents (no rent, no utilities, no grocery shopping, no laundry) Mommy is taking very good care of him. I love my mother-in-law, but she cooks him dinner and does his laundry. He truly does have the best of three worlds.

His mother knows he is having an affair, and yet she treats him this well? Do the in-laws support your marriage? What was their response when you exposed to them?

They are enabling him; my guess is, maybe she's done that his whole life?

Puppy

[Barbara66]

My in laws love me. They have stated that they want us to stay together. However, my father-in-law had A's in the past. The OW concept is a very familiar one to my mother-in-law, but in her words "He's my son and I love him and will never turn him away" She asked him point blank if he was planning to visit her or vacation with her and he told her "No." I have a copy of the flight info and the airport is 45min from her house, he has no hotel or car reserved. He must think I am stupid.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

My in laws love me. They have stated that they want us to stay together. However, my father-in-law had A's in the past. The OW concept is a very familiar one to my mother-in-law, but in her words "He's my son and I love him and will never turn him away" She asked him point blank if he was planning to visit her or vacation with her and he told her "No." I have a copy of the flight info and the airport is 45min from her house, he has no hotel or car reserved. He must think I am stupid.

I think you should re-expose this latest development to the in-laws. I'm sure they won't appreciate that their son is flat-out LYING to them. Don't dwell on it; state it, and let it go:

"I understand that you love him, and I do too. It just makes me very sad that he's lying to all of us, and going to visit her in CT when he flat out told us all that he wasn't. I can handle the infidelity actually better than I can handle the deceit and the disrespect."

[Barbara66]

Well, just got back from lunch. Guess who showed up at the house while I was home? Husband. He does this occassionally. Just shows up when he knows I will be home, relaxing in the backyard on my lunch hour. We actually get along very well while he is here. I even flirted a little today. He smiled, but was otherwise unreceptive.

Puppy, I did tell the in-laws that he is lying to them. They just shake their head and say "I don't know what to say." They are not a communicative bunch to begin with. So when something like this happens, nobody says much of anything anything to anybody. The only reason my mother-in-law is as involved as she is, is because of her own history with OW.

BTW, OOW is on-line other woman.

He met her through a cyber-community called black rook hold. It is a gamers community for those weak minded individuals that get caught up in the on-line fantasy game called World of Warcraft. Their relationship started when he was voice chatting with her about how he was not sure he was "in love" with me. She, of course, took advantage of his vulnerability and here we are. He tells me it's not about her. Well, it is a little about her.

I did call her employer today and filed a formal complaint based on her using company email and probably company laptop to carry on an adulterous affair. I am also seriously contemplating calling her mother and having a heart to heart, one mom to another. I'll let you know if I get up the nerve. You're good for me puppy. I feel recharged after reading the ways you exposed the A. Not sure I am telling my kids though. S15 and S11. Very in tune to my emotions and moods lately, but I am trying to keep the knowledge of the A from them. At least until their exams are over in another week or two.