Aussie Girl - Trying to be patient

[Essie]

Hello

I need a bit of encouragement - feeling really pants today....

I returned H's call (returning my text message about having a drink).... First part of conversation went really well.
Second part not so good....

So H went to NZ for a friends wedding - he told me about it, his family etc. I was happy and validating.
THEN
He told me that he went out with his cousin and cousin's wife and told them everything that had happened in our R... And his cousins wife had said "dont worry... when I was 19 I cheated on a guy who really loved me and wanted to marry me, as a way to get out of the R". When H said that it just got me in the stomach. I guess I was thinking that H had shared that he had wanted out of our marriage and had used his cheating as a way to get out (which is entirely possible, but to talk about it with others, and for others to tell him that that's normal and everyone does it, was too much). So I got really quiet. I was just angry and hurt - how selfish is he, to say something like that to me NFC?!?
And I guess I listened to him waffle on for 5 minutes more but I was very quiet. He asked how I was, and I couldnt really think of anything fun and happy to tell him. And then he said he was surprised to get my text where I had suggested that we meet up for a drink. At this point of the conversation I was thinking that that was a really bad suggestion - and I didnt want to see him. I cant really remember but I think I said, that I just wanted to catch up and see him, if he was interested. He said yeah, he was thinking that he might come over to my house for coffee one time after he has visited my next door neighbour (which is definitely NOT him asking me out for a drink).

I'm feeling crap. Had a big cry about it last night. Am mad at myself cause I know when he started to bring up R stuff I should have changed the subject back to light and happy topics, or just gotten off the phone. And I dont know what I feel about what he said - at the time it felt like he was giving me the explanation for why he cheated and left. Maybe I'm reading too much into it?? Surely if that was the reason he had cheated and left he wouldnt actually share it with me?!? (He is dumb though ;))

[One Day]

((((Essie)))))

I'm so sorry you're feeling sad about the second half of the conversation. It's such a roller coster isn't it?

Hello

I need a bit of encouragement - feeling really pants today....

I love that this has become an international phrase now. But sorry you're feeling pants

I returned H's call (returning my text message about having a drink).... First part of conversation went really well.

Well, this is brilliant news! What was so good about the first part of the conversation? Hurray! I think it's great that you and H talked on the phone, and it seems like it was for a reasonable length of time too.

So H went to NZ for a friends wedding - he told me about it, his family etc. I was happy and validating.

Brilliant- this is also great. And it's great that he was telling you about his trip, speaking about family with you and so on. This is also a baby step, right?

He told me that he went out with his cousin and cousin's wife and told them everything that had happened in our R... And his cousins wife had said "dont worry... when I was 19 I cheated on a guy who really loved me and wanted to marry me, as a way to get out of the R".

Who cares what she said? All this shows is how insensitive she is! I think the important thing is that she started with 'don't worry'. Why did she do that? Maybe H was worried about what had happened and was confiding and trying to get some support. Maybe he was worried because he feels bad about what happened. Cousin's wife sounds like she was trying to think of something to make herself feel better- like a thing people say when they don't know what to say. I think you should ignore this as what she said doesn't reflect anything about your H's intentions (or lack of). From what I can remember, you asked H to leave (?) so this doesn't fit with his actual behaviour....

When H said that it just got me in the stomach...... So I got really quiet. I was just angry and hurt - how selfish is he, to say something like that to me NFC?!?

I agree- this does seem insensitive. On the other hand (and I know this is a small consolation), at least he was comfortable enough with you to open up and discuss that he told someone else about it. Just try not to assume anything of H's intentions in discussing this. As I said earlier, it could have been him trying to vent a little in an 'I'm feeling terrible about this' way.....

He asked how I was, and I couldnt really think of anything fun and happy to tell him.

He asked how you were?! Brilliant! He was sensitive to your mood and noticed something was up, and wanted to know what it was. That's a good baby step. Don't beat yourself up about not ahving anything fun/upbeat to say- I wouldn't have been able to either.

And then he said he was surprised to get my text where I had suggested that we meet up for a drink.

I think this is really interesting- it suggests that he thinks you dod't want to speak to him. I think he was 'nice' surprised because he wouldn't have texted back unless he was pleased to hear from you. This is GREAT!

I cant really remember but I think I said, that I just wanted to catch up and see him, if he was interested.

Great DB!

He said yeah, he was thinking that he might come over to my house for coffee one time after he has visited my next door neighbour (which is definitely NOT him asking me out for a drink).[quote=Essie]
Does it matter that he's not asking you OUT for a drink? Isn't it a baby step for him to come in for a coffee one time? I remember it wasn't so long ago that he would visit the neighbour and then just go home, so this could be a great way to get together and chat a little and show him how magnificent you are, Ess! I think you should accept, and build up to the drink out after a couple of coffees perhaps?

[quote=Essie]I'm feeling crap. Had a big cry about it last night. Am mad at myself cause I know when he started to bring up R stuff I should have changed the subject back to light and happy topics, or just gotten off the phone.

((((Essie))) I'm so sorry you feel bad. It's good to have a cry and let it out. As T says, embrace the sadness! But don't beat yourself up over getting quiet. This is HARD stuff, and yuo did brilliantly in speaking to H and being so happy and fun the whole time. Getting a bit quiet is no need to be angry with yourself- this isn't going to break your DB efforts.....

Maybe I'm reading too much into it?? Surely if that was the reason he had cheated and left he wouldnt actually share it with me?!?

Yes, I think you are reading too much into it. He wouldn't have said that to you if that was the reason he cheated. No way.

How are you feeling today Ess? I think you did brilliantly with your DB during the call- lots of little baby steps happened yesterday, so focus on those. When will H come round for the coffee?!

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

L.xx

[One Day]

Hey Essie!

How are you doing today? I hope you're feeling a bit better than earlier in the week.

Thinking of you, future girl!

L. xx

[Essie]

Dearest friends! (((BIG HUGS)))

First of all thank you so much Lisa for posting such a long reply and cheering me up. You are so wonderful at pulling the positives out of what I considered a negative experience. It is wonderful wonderful to have your support. I REALLY appreciate you!

So it seems I went temporarily insane for 2 days but now I'm back to normal....

After reflecting on the week, I think what started this was I got asked on a coffee date by a very lovely man. And I totally freaked out - I am so scared of having to date - its a big unknown to me. And that made me miss H and wish that he would just come back. The hardest thing for me is giving up our shared history and all the good times. I think that made me panic and I shouldn't have rung H when I was so tired, and emotional, and hormonal!! But I did... and then the next day when I was still tired and emotional and hormonal I sent H the following text (what the hell was I thinking?!? ha ha!)

TEXT "Hey what are you doing next Fri night? My brother and I sometimes go to a cool jazz club, and there is a really great band that is playing next week, but he cant come. Call me if you are interested?"

I must have totally lost the plot - I can barely cope with a phone call, and yet I'm asking H out to a whole night! Talk about pressure!! And my game plan was to let him pursue me.

So that was 3 nights ago. And after I regained my sanity, I figured that there is no way that H would ever respond. And I wasnt going to even tell my DB-ing friends that I'd sent the text.

But then last night H replied:

TEXT from H "yeah that sounds cool, will chat next week"

And now I don't want to go and see him - I don't know whether to cancel or not?!? Ha hA!! Loony!! What should I do?

The good thing is that I have detached again - I've faced that fear about losing our shared history, and realised that heaps of people on this site are losing a shared history of children being born and many many many more years that H & I. And that life goes on. I can have the good memories with H, and I can create new good memories with someone new if necessary.

I honestly dont know if I can get through a whole night with H being detached - I really should have warmed up to it, by doing several smaller, less pressure, drinks first! I definitely got impatient and decided to take matters into my own hands instead of letting go.... silly girl - when will I learn?

So advice now would be much appreciated. I think its a very real possibility that even if he says yes he will chicken out at the last minute and stand me up...

[transformer]

Dear sweet Essie,

Thanks so much for posting on my thread and being so oooooo supportive!!!

I am very excited with this response that you got!!!! Wow!!!!! That is so bold, and it is great, you got a positive response!!! So did he say yes to the jazz club???? Is that what "yeah that sounds cool" mean??

I think you have more options than you think. Like you could offer to meet him at the club for a drink or two while that band is there and then "be busy" doing something else that you planned b/c you didn't hear from him right away.

I am kind of getting a vibe that he might want to spend more time with you, b/c he is being receptive to you asking to spend time with him, but maybe he is surprised because he thinks you don't want to spend time with him. maybe *he* doesn't want to ask because he is scared!!

Maybe you could show him some more that you are interested in being pursued. Remember what you told me about how you make a puppy chase you??? you have to get all happy and excited and then run away smiling over your shoulder????? how can you do more of that here?

Let's go back to more of what works, less of what doesn't!!! If NC is not necessarily getting results, then perhaps invitations like you have been dropping are more likely to work. So how could you modify this invitation to be more comfortable with it? Or, what other invitations would you be more comfortable with as alternativs??

Don't beat yourself up essie!!! You are just doing a good job of experimenting and monitoring results!

And puh-LEEEEEZ don't be scared to share your DB moves with us, even if they are wild and crazy, I still will support you!!! And I actually found this one to be quite delightful!!!!!!

One more thought... maybe you could have him over for coffee at your place in between now and the jazz club?? Will he be at the neighbors' like he was before???

((((((ESSIE))))))))))
love,
TRANSFORMER

[Essie]

Thanks T for your suggestions!
I think he is saying yes to the jazz club - but it did take him 3 nights to respond, and he isnt terribly enthused! Oh well!

You are right to remind me about the puppy thing. I guess I'm scared if i will be able to keep up the fun happy thing for several hours to get his full attention.

IF I go, can someone give me ideas of how to get out of the night if it starts to go badly?

I would love to have H over for coffee between now and Friday night - but only if he asks - I think its too much to go for months and months of nothing, and then for me to ask him out for a drink, followed by a phone call, followed by suggesting a time and place for a drink. Adding coffee would be too much! I think he thinks that I have some sort of bomb that I need to drop, and thats why all of a sudden I'm so keen to catch up with him.

The thing is if I go and see H on Friday night and its a disaster, it will help me close the door on reconciliation. And if its good then maybe its a step in the right direction to reconciliation.

I have to get that puppy chasing me!

[One Day]

Hey Essie,

I think it's awesome that H accepted the invite to go to the Jazz club! Brilliant!! I've been thinking that for whatever reason, H is scared to contact you, so him accepting the invitation, I think, is really positive. it shows that

1. He wants to see you and
2. He's keen enough that he wants to spend the evening together.

It's a really positive step forward! And I think it was a great 180 to invite him to do something fun blodly like that- really good DB. If we were to monitor results, I'd say that this was a successful move! A great example of doing something different and getting positive results!

From the point of view of meeting for a coffee beforehand, I probably wouldn't. You've made contact and you're going to meet, so I'd just leave it at that for now. I think your objective at the moment should be to help H feel comfortable around you (I don't think he does at the moment, for whatever reason).

IF I go, can someone give me ideas of how to get out of the night if it starts to go badly?

Here's a question (more than one, sorry!): Why would the night start to go badly? Don't ASS-U-ME anything, and try to go with no expectations. All you should be looking to do is to have a fun time with H as a friend, not for anything more than that. Can you list a couple of baby steps that might give you an idea of whether H is feeling a little more comfortable around you on Friday?

What are you *expecting* might go wrong? The main thing I would say is to avoid any R talk. If he brings something up, avoid it and move on to a different topic. And I guess if you really need to escape, you could just yawn, say you're pretty tired and you'd better head home.

Hope that helps Ess! I'm so happy and excited about Friday. What will you wear?!

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Essie...

Listening to you, your posts are riddled with assumptions! He might have not replied for 3 days for all kinds of reasons and he may have said yes to coming becuase he wanted to, not becuase he is expecting you to drop a "bomb" (what bomb? You are already apart?)

I think its FANTASTIC that he said yes!!!! But why do you want to get out of it, or have an escape plan? I dont personally think you are detached at all (as you said above) becuase it sounds very much like you are a little scared, or afraid of getting hurt.

I reckon its time to be brave and just go for it girl! This is fantastic news, you dont want random coffee date man, you want your H back !? But you need to work on getting into stage 2 and seeing a band is a great idea, as it will be too hard to chat when they are playing and then you will have something to chat about when they stop playing! How much you enjoyed the band...

Really happy for you!

Ali xxx

[Kalni]

Hi Essie,

Why would anything go bad at the jazz club? Are you thinking of bringing up any R talks? NOPE? Then what could happen that would force you to want to leave?

Go and relax and have fun with your H. I agree with Lisa, don't go for a coffee before then. Be brave, you have got a real good chance to plant the seed. Hang in there.
Kalni

[Essie]

(((One Day))) (((Ali))) (((Kalni)))

What a novelty to be on the board the same time you guys are! Thanks for stopping by. When its your own situation you dont see things clearly - its good to have your perspective.

I guess the thing that could cause the night to go terribly is that H is a jerk, or really closed / tense, and that upset me. Absolutely no R talks and I know I have to change the subject if anything remotely R comes up. I'm also scared that if H says anything negative about getting a divorce or him being serious about another girl, it will be too much to handle.

You are so right Ali that I'm not detached. I think I go through phases of being detached, and then somehow I re-attach myself to H. I will re-read all the stuff about detaching that was helpful in the beginning.

I will be more surprised if H actually comes on Friday night and less surprised if he cancels or doesnt show.

But you guys are right I shouldnt be waiting for something bad to happen.... Can I say I'm expecting the worst but hoping for the best?

I had my hair cut and coloured today and have a very cute new dress with sexy boots to wear. Its cute and I feel really comfortable in it.... so that part is easy!