I am the WAW...

[AnonymousJane73]

Okay, so I'm really getting discouraged, I mean, really I am.

You know I left him, I should be the angry, pissed off at the world, I should be the curt spouse... this is sooo backwards.

I sent him an itemized list, and naturally, his response is curt. Gives me an excuse that he was 'waiting for me to give him a list'... which was bullsh!t, because his last email to me said... He'll get the items I listed (from my last email) and have them ready next week (which was last week). Sigh. Again, the typical, 'turn it around' snap-foo.

He's sooooo bitter. I mean, BITTER!!!!! And it's only at me it's directed too. So depressing.

And tonight was a soccer board meeting, which I'm on the board. Here the actual Coach of my SS's team, who is also on the board, asks me... "So, how does SS like soccer camp?" He has no clue, which I can understand. I see no reason why my H would 'discuss' it with anyone. I sheepishly look at him, and just casually say that, "Well, I don't know." Took a deep breath and said, "H and I are separated right now." He looked at me and was shocked, said he was so sorry, and of course polite, but curious. I didn't get into the private info, but told him that "Yeah, I'm hopeful things will work out. I don't know though. I'm just staying out of the way right now." He was very nice, concerned and I could tell that he didn't know, so he wasn't fishing for info. (H is his asst. coach) I felt like such a dolt at this meeting. Here I'm sitting at this meeting, volunteering my time on my H's request, and now, we're S. It was a very hard reality in-your-face reminder of what little appreciation I got. But I managed to smile my way through the meeting like nothing was wrong... as usual.

Then I come home, and get H's response. Very curt still. I just have this sinking feeling that I'm fighting a lost cause, really. And yes, I am fighting that feeling ever so much, switch my focus on other things, but reality is still hitting me in the face. That I'm just denying myself the truth. That my hope is not real. I'm just telling myself that things will get better, things will get better so I can walk another day. I really love my husband though, but I'm no priority to my H and therefore, no interest what so ever to work anything out. That is the signal I get from him, that is what I know. I am of no priority. That hurts.

You know what I really think, I don't think he would ever file a D, not because he wants this marriage to work, or other positive reasons, but because he wants me to get fide up from sitting here waiting, while he 'ignores' me and then I file for D, so that he can turn it all around on me and blame me, yet again. He's a very strategic thinker.

Can someone please tell me, why do I love this man? I should despise him, loath him, be angry for what he said, how he treated me, and for how difficult he's being now. I don't even think he even understands WHY I left him, he's so focused on himself, his pain, his hurt, etc. I don't even think he realizes what he said to me, how HE acted. He has a very self righteous attitude. How do you deal with that personality? You can't, you just can't, and you'll never win. I really feel sorry for him, truly. He has no idea what he's losing, and doesn't seem to care a slick about it either. Man, that is so sad to me.

[AnonymousJane73]

Well, I got my things, and my husband has yet again, proved truly what an a$$ he is.

No air in my bike tires, nice huh? Quite juvenile, if you ask me.

I asked for specific items, told where to find them, and I got about half of what I wanted. I'll give him credit that he gave me more items than what I requested, but not exactly what I needed... I feel like I talk to the wall.

I'm pretty much cooked. I'll be open, but I'm not holding my breath on this R anymore. I'm just moving forward.

Interesting, the guy can't even tell that the water socks he gave me, were his. Yeah, that's my shoe size... I'm better off just buying a new pair. This is what I was trying to avoid.

It would have just been soooo much simpler if he just would have let me come into the house and let me gather up the things I need on my own. But noooooo.... why don't we just make this as impossible as we possibly can. SOOOOOO STUPID!!!!!!!!!

I mean, all he had to do was have his Mother or Father, Brother, the neighbor for crying out loud, let me in... while he went for a walk. Wouldn't have had to see me at all. And it would have taken me less than 30 minutes to gather what I needed, and leave. I mean, utterly frustrating. Utterly childish, insane. I DO NOT understand this logic. What happened? He used to be sooo 'diplomatic'?

Sigh... whatever. This is truly becoming his loss.

[Flipper]

Hey Jane,

Wow. You are pissed. I've been there. When this thing started for me in December, my W was so unfair and angry with me. She was not doing well. What happened was that I was the calm one and would not let her affect me (Well, I would not let her SEE the affect on me). That seemed to take the wind out of her sales and have a calming effect on her. Since then, even though we are not out of the woods, our relationship is far improved. Stay even-keel.

It is very okay to get pissed and throw things or whatever...but do it in private. Hopefully, in a couple days, you will regroup. This thing is fresh for you guys. You guys are both so raw right now. Trust me, if you are the calm one...the reasonable one, he just might chill and start to notice. Read some of my posts...we all can get soooo discouraged. I'm no different.

If this thing is going to get better, you need to keep DBing and bite your lip when you deal with him. Give him time to realize that he's being an a$$. Deflect his anger and let it roll off.

Also, you are in my prayers and I will ask God for a cool new job for you. If you would like some other encouragement and advice on how to stay patient, listen to Stop Divorce Radio at:

http://rejoiceministries.org/ (not ".com")

Also read the restored marriages and it should help you. But don't give up and patience, patience. As one of my priests told me, "This thing is going to get a lot worse before it gets better." Jane, be in this for the long haul. Find your calm and GAL. Be kind to yourself, my friend. We care about you and we will support you. You are not alone!

(((HUGS)))

-Flipper

[AnonymousJane73]

Throw things? Huh? I'm not pissed... I'm irritated. I find my H being very immature. I haven't spoken one word to him. Haven't even seen him, when I do 'speak' to him, it's through email and I'm very polite and very nice to him.

I don't understand where you got the idea I was throwing things or talking to him directly? I don't lose my cool like that. I just think that he is being very immature about how he's dealing how I need some items from the house because I'm leaving for a trip in a few weeks, and have very little time for these games he wants to pursue. I don't have the time for this email tag.

I simply came here to vent it off, because it is really really really childish and there is no way I would have ever done this to him. I would have never deflated his bike tires out of spite, and I'm talking literally a bicycle. It's his way of controlling the situation, because he feels out of control, and he knows it's out of control. I haven't said one word to him about anything other the fact of specific items I need (a list and where of find them) from the house.

I think it's absolutely childish behavior. I don't know what happened to the mature man I used to know... that's for sure.

Like I said, I'm not playing these games, he can sit and stew on it all he wants, and when comes to a rational conclusion, to be an adult, then we'll talk. Until then, I'm simply going to go about my daily business. I'm letting go.

[AnonymousJane73]

Well, yesterday, my parents neighbor filled my bike tires for me, he's a mechanic so he had a compressor that filled my tires in seconds, rather than me sitting there with a little emergency travel air compressor that you plug into the cigarette lighter of your car. I mean, it was pretty comical! The neighbors are really nice.

Today, I went out and hit the bike trail by the river by myself. It was great to leisurely stroll at my own pace, hearing no complaints, or having to say... Can we stop? I need a break! There was no major fire, no rush, no got to get there got to get there tempo. It was GREAT!!! I stopped at the aquatic center, and watched the geese and ducks strolling along the grass, and people swimming, kayakers and crew teams all paddling their way up and down the river. A couple of sail boats out too.

On my way back, still on the trail, I swear to you... I saw my H. Yep. Unmistakably him. It was him riding along with another fellow, I assume from work, because he used to do that often. We didn't say one word to each other in passing, he was smiling, I was smiling and that was it. Just a few seconds in passing. How uncanny is that? I guess I did get the wheels turning after all! Literally! LMAO! I just thought that was so funny.

On my way home, I treated myself to a Cold Stone Shake... Cherry Cheesecake! UM. All in all, a good day.

[sooners7xchamps]

Pretty cool story Jane, I bet you did get the wheels turning. It will be interesting to see what happens next, hopefully he will start to come around. Good luck!

[TwinDad]

Very nice Jane, I am happy for you. It is nice to see little sigsn like that that give you a tiny ray of hope. Perhaps your interest in his kids birthdays may have had an effect....

[Bridgestone]

Jane,
so glad to hear you are getting out & doing things that you love to do. That was important to me to. It helped me remember what it was "I" liked, not the just the things I gave in on to keep the peace.

Glad to hear you had a yummy treat as well! Got to love coldstone!

hugs

[Flipper]

Throw things? Huh? I'm not pissed... I'm irritated.

I don't understand where you got the idea I was throwing things or talking to him directly? I don't lose my cool like that.

Jane,

You sounded stressed, that's all. I did not mean to imply that YOU were throwing things, etc., just that it's GOOD to go away and vent, throw things, etc, if you are so inclined.

I hear what you're saying about the BS you have to deal with, though. Sounds very frustrating for you. You have the right idea by getting out there and being good to yourself! Good job and well played

[jandn]

You know, the whole mixed messages thing to me, is perhaps them only trying to convince themselves that what they are doing is right. It's really her not letting you go, think about it. If she was done, truly done, there would be no communication, no card, no exchange of books, etc. She's holding on, but like sooners7xchamps says, she's confused. It's a mixed bag of emotions. I'm no different. And that is why I wonder about my sitch, because everywhere else I read, there is this form of subtle communication going on.

Amen to this cause I have got the same feeling about whats going on with my W. I got the let me go speech, we detached for a while, then W tells opposite of what I thought she was going through. W is going through the same stuff I am with all the emotions and she is the WA. So not only is W confused but confuses the heck out of me.

What I have learned is that God hates divorce and that he wants us to stand for our marriages, it says this in the bible. The bible also says that for anyone that fallows his commands will be rewarded. In some regards this is a test on us, but also so that people can see what we do. We are used as a tool to show people how God works and that by having faith God will bless you, when other people see what is happening then God's purpose it to draw other people closer to him. This is done because of his love for us. Sometimes some pain is needed in order to fulfill the greater cause. Just keep in mind your faith and perseverance will be rewarded and your marriage restored, it's what God wants. Also his time table is different than ours, I think our not knowing when is the toughest part, but God has a plan for all our why's.

No matter how many times I read this everywhere, just gets me torn up thinking how bad I want this and if only W could get the word from somewhere. I just have to keep at it, follow the word and my prayers will be answered.