Oh no! Please help!!

[EnergyAZ]

Hello,

I have a WAW who dropped the bomb on me 12/31

We started with marital counseling which ended due to loss of my job and benefits. Last session 3 months ago.

I honestly thought things were slowly improving. Then her father visited us this weekend from out of state. He and I had some drinks and got to talking. And he pretty much told me (as a friend, he kept insisting) to pull my head out of my ass and prepare for divorce.

I come to my wife with this the next day, she confirms that she is still very much wanting to divorce me but has not told me about it due to the job layoff and was hoping for a better time (is there a better time to hear something like that??)

Anyhow, my mind was rolling with some suspicion about OM for many months now. I asked once, she denied. I dropped it and did my best to not let dark thoughts creep into my mind.

After speaking with her father, I felt he knew something I didnt and dark thoughts came back.

So I slipped and did something ugly that I never did before (never even thought about it really)

I cracked her email and saw my suspicions confirmed. Online EA with the guy she was dating before she met me. 6+ months and very active. But reading through stuff it was clear she was the one driving the rekindling while he merely receptive (and a bit concerned about the fact she is married) He actually said that maybe she should take some time to let life unfold and then 'see what happens'

In my shock and horror, with the realization its not the OM who is driving the EA....I decided to write to this guy.



This is what I said:

Hello,

My name is (EnergyAZ). I am married to (wife) and father of her son.

I love my family dearly, and I am totally committed to my marriage.

I know the two of you have been talking quite a bit lately (actually, mostly her). It is not my intention to get all confrontational with macho BS. I am not that type of person. However, I do want to tell you that I have invested my entire life into Valerie and that I love her very deeply.

Now this may conflict with how she has spoken to you over the last 6 months. But you arent the only guy she has been talking about babies with over that time. As much as she may say otherwise to you and others, she has still given me plenty of reason to not quit until the final whistle blows.

I may be fighting an uphill battle. But as long as she is my wife, I will ask you to respectfully step off.

The time very well may come where she is free to see whoever she wants. But until that time, I am doing my best to save the family I love so much.

If you have any decency, honor, or integrity - you will respect this request.

I come not with a sword, but a rose. Man to man - I have true love for this woman and we have a child together. I am fighting for my life & my son's life as we know it. If you have a sense of honor, you can see the nobility of my desire. It may all be for naught in the end. But damned if I dont try.

I am a good man, and I suspect you might be as well and if circumstances were different, I wouldnt be surprised if we got along famously. So lets be civil and honorable. If you want to wait like a vulture for a stab at a hot carcass, thats your perogative. When I confronted (wife) about this - she totally played you down as insignifigent - a flight of fancy to occupy the mind of an unhappy girl. Whatever. Until there is closure between myself and (wife), I ask you to step off.

I realize you are not the one driving this attempt to rekindle old flames, merely receptive to the idea. Just wanted to tell you that there is clearly some unfinished business here and I am petitioning to your higher man to roll good karma dice in respect of my son and my family.

Peace to you and all you know,

(EnergyAZ)




It was only after I sent this email when I wondered 'what would DBers have done?'

So here I am trying to get a damage assessment.

How bad did I just screw up?

[Sara]

Hi Energy,

I admire your forthrightness. There are two camps on this forum -- the non-confronters, and the confronters. Me, I'm a confronter. Worked for me. My husband's girlfriend dropped him like a ton of bricks when my 24 year old son called her and told her to stay away from his father. He was angry at us for a while, but eventually he admitted that he was wrong to have the affair. And then we went to a Retrouvaille marital weekend and started working on our marriage. Their website is http://www.helpourmarriage.org. If you can get your wife to go to a weekend with you, it's an incredible experience.

In the short run, I would buckle my seatbelt, this flight is about to get really rocky. Your wife is going to be very angry about your letter. But as your FIL told you, you were about to be divorced anyway. At least now you can say you did something. Personally, I think it was a very nice letter. Good luck with it.

[Flipper]

Energy,

Wow. Sorry this is happening to you. Very good letter to that guy. In my opinion, as a man, you would have been remiss in your duties if you did not confront this guy. You would have felt like a wimp if you didn't. Good show! Like, Sara said, buckle up. I think you did what you had to do and you took the high road. You were a gentleman. Maybe I could hire you to write to my in-laws.

[lodo]

Wow - good for you! That takes guts but you handled it with honesty and integrity. The snooping part is never good, but I think you had to confront. You were probably even nicer than you needed to be. I mean, can you imagine receiving that email?

I can't speak for DB'ers, but I'm proud of the way you handled an extremely difficult situation.

lodo

[EnergyAZ]

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

I still dunno if it was the right thing to do, but damned if I do nothing ya know.

Wife knows I sent this letter, needless to say she wasnt happy about it.

However, the day after she was very sweet to me and we had a very nice evening.

Rollercoaster still going though. I am doing my best to follow the advice of DBers in not getting too up/down but its tough not to.

Thanks for your replies!

[AnonymousJane73]

I think it was very courage, and yes, I think you did do the right thing.

Yes, your wife will be mad, it's more about the whole intrusion of her personal space, blah blah blah... but in an ironic twist... she'll also feel some sort of relief, that you're willing to fight for what it takes. Trust me. She won't show it, she won't let you know, and she'll keep that tucked away inside of her. But I am willing to bet you, you sparked an interest there.

She may may also push a little harder from you, but she will still be hanging on, all because you dared to stand up for what you believe in. That letter was the easy part, the hard part is walking the talk.

[EnergyAZ]

Actually she was quite sweet indeed the day afterwards. Not sure if it was related to that letter or not, but it was awfully nice.

Today, a little backsliding from the sweetness of yesterday. Thats OK though, I have learned to accept that is totally normal and everyday is going to be a little different and just take em as they come.

You hit the nail on the head. I can talk sweetness onto a lollpop. I have always, always had a problem following through. I should have been a politician..lol

[AnonymousJane73]

You have to remember this too... she could be sweet one day, and then not so sweet the next day, because she's mad at herself for being sweet the other day. Does that make sense? LOL

Woman are so, well, weird. We run with our emotions, and most don't understand them.

She's really trying to fight this change, it sounds like it really scares her. It's foreign to her.

[EnergyAZ]

Yeah, that makes sense too. Only cause you women can be so screwey that nothing is shocking anymore. (lol j/k....sorta)

[AnonymousJane73]

LOL. Nor more than you men are "cave-dwellers".