Onward and upward

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Mishka!
I caught up at last.

First off, I think its harder on some of the people here that a) have kids with their WAS and b) have been with them for so long, or only them. If he's all you've ever known, its no wonder that you cant imagine your heart ever being whole again. You havent experienced a major breakup with anyone else, so this is going to be tough. Although having saud, that, I've had my heart broken before and I'm suffering just as much, so I'm not sure wht my point is! Just trying to say, dont be too hard on yourself.

Secondly, that conversation you had with H was amazing ! And no you didnt mess it up, seemed to me you made all the "right" responses, but of course you couldnt convince him. If it were that easy, you'd be back together in a flash! Its going to take ages I think for him to work through his feelings of shame. Like my BF (childhood shame) and like me, you are battling patience!?

I would be dancing for joy though if I had a conversation like this with him...

H told me that if he left her to come home and it didn't work out where would he go then? He can't afford a place on his own and OW told him that if he left her again she wouldn't take him back. He asked me why I would. I'm your wife and the mother of your child. We have 18 years invested and I would hate to see all of that go to waste without a real fight.

It seemed huge to me, the struggle in him, saying he wanted to come home, but how could he? He's clearly not done with you and the OW is just a distraction. Its just easy, it doesnt press his buttons. My friend keeps telling me, of course my BF can make an effort at work, or with friends, or with his mother.. because he wears the mask in all those situations and he is well practised, but he cant do that with you and anyway, you dont let him get away with it, you see behind the mask. And he's not ready for that, because it would mean he has to sort himself out, fix it, change HIMSELF, not just his situation.

This is exactly what I see your H doing. He KNOWS he cant wear the mask with you, so he has ran from you to protect himself. He's put the walls up (even to his S?), so its EASIER to be with the ow. She doesnt know him like you do. He doesnt just have to fix the M, he has to fix himself and sounds like he has a number of issues eating at him.

Keep being his friend, being loving and calm and understanding.

Try not to put any pressure on him!? No more mention of D!?

Ali xxx

[mishka422]

Thanks for your encouragement this morning Ali. It's really nice to wake up to. I should be getting dressed for work right now but I have no motivation today. Other than the paycheck I need, I'm just so burned out on everything. Tired, depressed, and lonely. Yeah, I'm a real joy to be around right now.

I hear ya on H. He is seriously messed up and has so many issues that he has no idea how to deal with. He won't get counseling. He says he doesn't need it, that he's just fine and that's a bunch of BS anyway. Ok buddy.....sit and spin!

One of my best girlfriends from work was trying to find out what I had called her about Saturday night but we were so busy yesterday that I didn't have a chance to talk to her. She called me last night and I told her I called because I was having a complete meltdown Saturday night and I launched into the whole convo with H. She has been happily M for 24 years and can't imagine going through all of this. Her opinion is, of course, D him now! Why are you waiting for him to do it? It's not fair of him to keep you dangling like this. You can't move on with your life.

Explaining to her that I have no desire to move on, but only forward did no good. She and I kept talking in circles about it. I told her that the only reason to D in my opinion would be if I had plans to move on with someone else or to even look for someone else. Since that is NOT going to happen and I have no desire for another R ever then I need to stay M if for no other reason than I keep H's medical insurance this way (I can get my own through our company but it's so expensive that it would eat nearly a 1/4 of my paycheck!).

She just didn't get it at all. I told her that I'm not letting go without a fight. Biblically speaking, I have every right to D my H but it's not required. I don't want that and it seems he doesn't really want that either but he doesn't see any other option right now.

Sorry to babble.....haven't had my coffee yet but I smell it brewing in the kitchen so I'm headed there now. MMMMMMMM......coffee......nectar of the god's..........today it's Kona roast Hazelnut with Black Cherry Struessel creamer. Almost dessert!!!!! My girlfriend brought be the coffee from her trip to Hawaii in January and I finally broke down and opened it. I'm going to be so sad when it's gone.

Morning all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

[Florie]

I would avoid talking to that friend about it if you can. I am sure she means well and thinks getting out entirely would be easier on you, but like you said, she can't truly understand your sitch since she has not gone through it herself. Plus, I'd rather have a husband who admits he is confused than the one I have who is so matter of fact and sure of his decision these days. Your coffee description sounds good and I don't even drink coffee!

[MichelleLT]

(((Mishka)))

Wow. How did your friend get so lucky to be M for 24 years and never have some kind of R crisis??? I didn't think that was possible!?! Even my H's mom and stepdad, who have been mostly happily M for 23 years (and have been the most ridiculously happy couple I know since I met them 7 years ago) had a couple of bad years.

I know what you mean about just being burned out. Take it one day at a time. Just put one foot in front of the other and things WILL get better.

Every day is a new day.

And remember! Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that's why they call it the present!

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((Mishka))))))

I hope your day keeps getting better!

You know your friend means well, she just doens't understand. You have to do what is right for you. Have some more coffee!

[One Day]

Hey Mishka!

Even I'm tempted by the sound of that coffee! I agree with Jeff- put your friends' thoughts aside- she doesn't get DB!!

Have a brilliant day,

L. xx

[mishka422]

Thanks guys! Trying to have an absolutely brilliant day and was succeeding pretty well until I let a text from H get to me and he didn't even mean anything by it. I'm not saying what I want to say to him right now because it would only do further damage so I'm putting it here to vent!

H-S13's Dr. appt has been changed from 17JUN to 23JUN at 445p
M-Why?
H-Dr. going out of town.
H-prescription can be picked up on 16JUN.
M-Any particular time I need to pick up by?
H-No, just call before you go.
M-OK. I have jury duty that day so hopefully I can get there while they're there otherwise scrip will run out and I can't have that.
H-ok.
M-I can't get off work early on 23JUn to take him. I'll have to call and change it. thx.
H-I can do both, I was just letting you know.

Now, what I want to answer to him is this:

I can do it all on my own thanks. You're going to be taking care of someone else (H is taking 2 weeks off to take care of OW after some surgery on 20JUN) so I can handle everything. Don't worry about it, you're not needed.

What I suppose I should just say is no thank you. I'll handle it. Leave it at that. What do you guys think? Should I just cut him out as much as possible? It's hurting me too much for him to be doing these things. I know it's probably really bad of me to not want him to just take care of these things for S13. I think it just irked me to know that is when he's off work "taking care" of the broom. She gets to be taken care of after she destroyed her own family and aided in destroying mine. WTF is that? Ok, really angry right now. Not responding to H. That would be bad.

Michelle - How do you find it possible to be so encouraging after the day from hell you had yesterday? I'm so impressed by you.

Lisa - Seriously - give coffee a chance. I promise to drink more tea if you'll have some really good coffee.

Jeff, Lisa, Florie Michelle- You all make a good point. She doesn't understand at all but she's one of my best friends and she wants to make sure I'm ok. I know she hates to see me hurt and that is where her opinion is coming from. Even my friends who are D tell me to just file myself and get this over with as he apparently doesn't plan on making any changes.

One thing she said in our conversation that struck me and I had to point out to her was this. "Why stay M? All it's doing is keeping that emotional connection. You don't need that." I told her, "Do you really think that a piece of paper that says I'm divorced is going to sever the emotional connection?" "Well, it would help." WRONG! Can you imagine thinking a piece of paper is going to change your emotions? If anything, I think at this point it would make me feel worse.

Sorry to babble on like this. Just feeling angry and hurt today.

Off to lunch right now. I'll check in on all your threads when I get back.

[MichelleLT]

My H thinks that piece of paper is going to simplify things. He thinks it will give him emotional closure. I'm not sure if it really will for him. I KNOW it won't for me.

Have a good lunch. (((mishka)))

Haha. Well, my H thinks I'm bipolar. Because obviously the fact that I can be so pissed off one day and happy the next means something is wrong with me. Other than a really bad couple months after I found out about the A and then he told me he wanted D and I moved to one place and he moved another, I have not had any serious depression. Of course, I've been taking adrenal and thyroid supplements to help my body cope with all the stress.

[mishka422]

Hmmmmm....what kind of supplements are those? I'm taking AD's and I really want to get off them. I wonder if that would help me? I hate some of the side effects I get from the AD's. I tried St. John's Wort but that did nothing for me.

Still debating on what to say to H re: S13's appt. So many things I really want to say.....itchy finger.....aaarrggghgh!

Michelle - These H's are totally delusional. You're certainly not bipolar! Did you tell him you only get pissed when he's a complete dumba$$ and that you are happy when you realize that he's TOTALLY NOT WORTH IT!!!

[MichelleLT]

Did you tell him you only get pissed when he's a complete dumba$$ and that you are happy when you realize that he's TOTALLY NOT WORTH IT!!!

No, I thought about it. But then I realized that for that to mean anything to him, he'd have to be capable of being unselfish for 1/2 a second and considering how I feel. Which he hasn't seemed to be capable of except for odd moments here and there over the last 18 months.

I'll check when I get home the exact brand and all, but I just picked up supplements at the co-op for adrenal and thyroid health. Those are the two glands that do the most work when you are stressed out. So keeping them healthy can make a big difference. For light to moderate depression it's often more effective than ADs. And none of the crappy side-effects, which is a big plus IMHO. I've got a great article from Transformer about it, but it's not linkable since it was from a subscription.

What is your goal? To show that you are capable and independent? To let H be part of S13s life? What will further that goal....