One year later, I am stronger than ever before!

[I_Surrender]

Just an update on how things are going.

It's been a little over a year since I discovered W's PA.
I am still married and still doing individual counselling. This has evolved from troubleshooting soul searching sessions, to rebuilding, and now is about becoming a powerful new person.

So in a nutshell I am doing great. I have become (and am becoming) a much better person to myself. I am learning to be a friendlier more outgoing person. I have changed from an uncertain knowledgeable, but quite person at work, to a confident leader. This is a big change for me, and I am proud of it!
I have also managed to lower my stress, or at least the feeling of stress in my life.
I honestly don't care if she likes the person that I am becoming. This is the new me, take it or leave.

On the relationship side. Things are going well. We are not fighting. I think in a lot of ways we have become better friends. Our communication is much better. Lovemaking is better. I think W's connection to me in the relationship is stronger. She seems happier. We are having fun together.

From my perspective I think we are better friends than before. I like the fun we are having together.
I find my love is, however not deep felt and engaging or unconditional, as it was before. My love is being held at arms length. I suppose that could be an unconscious need to protect my heart. I think it may be more deliberate though.

So we are good friends, there is no unconditional love on my part right now. Maybe there will be in the future.

I find right now that in my thoughts, I ask the question; Am I happy? Do I want to be married to this girl? I don't know the answer to this. I suppose I am sort of happy. Things are good. I am not completely head over heals in love. In my mind the old marriage died with the betrayal.

The flip side of this was the betrayal allowed me to explore counselling and improve myself.

If I was the person I am now (one year ago) there is no doubt in my mind W would be out on her @ss. I don't need her or anyone else, money or assets to be the person that I want to be.

Weird eh? Though with each crisis I have faced in life, be it personal, health or marriage, I have found a way to grow or improve myself. I suppose I should not be surprised this crisis would be any different.

I think, though, it's normal to have an acute focus on the troubled marriage and the betrayer. In expending so much thought and energy on these things, we forget about ourselves.

My message; don't forget about you. I think we need to expend 70 -90% of our energy focusing on our individual growth and needs. Good Luck This forum helped me through a tough time. I hope this post is helpful to one or two of you.

[No Longer BH]

I_Surrender,

How long did your W have an A? Did she ever move out? I am glad to hear that you are doing so well. It is understandable that you would hold her at arms length for the moment. Your heart was already stepped on once, you need time to build the trust back up. But if she is truly committed, and it sounds like she is, then it will come back. Thank you for posting your success story. We dont get enough of them on this site.

[I_Surrender]

EA Mar04-May 06
PA Feb06-Jun06 EA May07

She never moved out, but in some ways I wish she did. In other ways, maybe I would not have forced myself to grow as a new person if things had unfolded in any other way.

Trust, probably I may never trust her fully. I may not need to because I have learned to trust myself and my feelings (does that make sense?)

If there is any inkling that some thing perhaps may be going wrong, the marriage is not working or I am not happy, then I'd end things.
It's really based on my happiness now, not hers.

I supposed I am asking myself now; Is this okay for me, or do I require that unconditional fully trusting love?

I don't know the answer to that. I know I am happy within myself. That's what matters, and that's where it all has to start, am I right?