Have a question about my sitch

[upside_downer]

Hi all. I have a question about my sitch. Here is my active post:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1463920

My question pertains to something my C told me. My C told me that most marriages with a WAS have a period of about 3 months to be where the WAS starts to really know what they feel.

I've been really good with my contact (or lack thereof), but two things I need to figure out and need help:

1. With what is going on, is going dark really what is best for my sitch?

2. My C suggested that my W and I have a conversation about maybe not contacting for a month or so because I told her that, even though my W moved out a week ago, she has contacted me quite a bit and already had me over to her apt. one day and wants to get together another day this weekend or during the week. My C said "isn't that going against the point of the S?"

I'm confused. I could use some input from the community!!!

thanks!

[upside_downer]

Wow. All the traffic and posts here and no one has anything to say?

Minor update in case someone does:

I think I did bad. W came over to pick up a couple more things she left behind (didn't expect it). While I tried to be out of the house, I returned and she was still here. I couldn't just keep going because I had groceries.

So I was unpacking. I didn't say much and was brief. My W takes that as me being upset (which has been true frequently in the past, but not always). So she asks if anything is wrong. I said no, just been running around a lot because I have a lot going on.

I remember my C suggesting we talk about no contact for a little while, or discuss how we will approach the S. I was telling myself not to say anything, but I couldn't resist and told the W we needed to discuss it "at some point." She replied and said, "yeah we can sit down and discuss sometime - when you're not busy" Key words there at the end. She recognized how busy I was! Anyway, this is the part where I slipped because I told her the "the C said we should discuss these things, but also that I need to GAL too." The W thought I meant see other people. I confirmed that is NOT what I meant. So no problem, but I then said "we don't have to be face to face, we can do it over the phone. I don't know if us getting together is the best thing since you decided that you needed the S" (I'm thinking that came across bad). She said we needed to do "baby steps" and go out sometime to dinner, or hang out to see how things go.

I'm thinking it has only been a week and I felt so good doing everything right, but I feel like I jumped the gun to put pressure on the W and tell her that I think we need space and all my DB techniques. When she argued that not seeing each other won't really improve things (because we need to see how things go when we are together), I started to backpedal. I think she saw my frustration (which was with myself and not her, but she took it otherwise I think). So, we kind of left off where we always leave off on this stalemate. Made me feel like nothing changed. I had plans to go that I was late for, and I left without really saying a formal goodbye. I just got in my car while she was getting in hers and I drove off.

How bad did I screw that situation up?

[upside_downer]

bump

[smartcookie]

Hi, I'm pretty new here, but I'm a semi-WAW, so here goes. If you're paying your C & you trust him/her, you should follow their advice. Especially if they know all of the details & background info.

I would specifically avoid any type of interactions that feel like it used to. That's going to put her in a serious hopeless mood, where she'll feel like things are never going to change.

You need to be 180 of what she didn't like. Show her the new guy that you are becoming. Let her see you at your very best.

Is she going to C also ? How are things going to improve if you two aren't learning different skills for communicating & interacting ?

Just some ideas.

[upside_downer]

Hi Smartcookie. Thanks for the response. In this sitch, I tried to avoid my old self. I got caught because I was suggesting we sever contact, but I'm not entirely sure if that is the best option. I have not initiated contact at all, so I think that is considered being dark, but does that include not getting together? My W does want to do things together. She feels like we have to start over in a way, to see how she feels. I guess that is my main point of confusion. Whether seeing each other once a week is OK or not?

Also, we did see my C together before the S. We went for 6 1 hour sessions. My W felt OK about going, but after 6 weeks, she felt she was not getting anything out of it because, in her words, we "were talking about the same things that we fought about, and the C was saying a lot of the same things in regards to your insecurities about me talking to guys on the phone, the amount of time we spend together, etc." We stopped going at that point.

Now, I'm still going independently, and asked W if she would go and she said she did not want to now. She did make a comment once that she has never gone by herself, and I would like to see her go because I sense that there are some issues, but I don't know if me suggesting she go is a good idea?

[Tink]

Hi! Thanks for posting me. I think it was an excellent idea to repost and get more people's feedback.

"were talking about the same things that we fought about, and the C was saying a lot of the same things in regards to your insecurities about me talking to guys on the phone, the amount of time we spend together, etc." We stopped going at that point.

As in DB, I agree that a lot of C focus on a person's flaws and bring those to the forefront instead of focusing (and thereby strengthening) the strengths of each person in their partner's eyes.

Like I suggested, I don't like the idea of someone saying, "My counselor said I should do this..." Actually, I particularly don't like to hear a man say this. I think it makes you look weak because 1) it reminds your partner that you need therapy and 2) that you need to listen to do what someone else tells you you need to do. It's just not very masculine or attractive.

I'm not saying not to go to your C if you find her helpful. I have just in my experience found a lot of C's to milk people's (and thereby strengthen) people's insecurities by focusing so much on them as well as making them feel like they need this C in order to take a step.

I definitely recommend NOT suggesting to your W to start going to therapy.

Tink

[Tink]

P.S. Also making an official announcement about and outline of your communication or non-communication is kind of counter-productive to going dark. "We will both go for one-month without contact."

How is she supposed to miss you when you've told her what you are doing in a sense.

And also part of going dark is not talking about the R. And so here you did that too.

Are you sure this counselor is helping and not hindering?

Tink

[upside_downer]

How is she supposed to miss you when you've told her what you are doing in a sense.

I haven't told her that I'm DBing, just that perhaps I'm concerned that if we don't lose contact for a while, nothing will change (the idea of same idea prouducing the same results, when we expect it to change). How do I portray that to her without:

1. Announcing my plans
2. Sounding defensive or like I'm hiding something

Are you sure this counselor is helping and not hindering?

I'm not sure. It feels good to talk to someone, but I have not seen specific solutions presented. I have an appointment tomorrow and will ask her to help me come up with some specific solutions (as in SBT) and see what she says. I posted on my other thread, oops, seems I've made a mess in my lack of patience waiting for feedback!!

[Tink]

[quote=upside_downer]
How do I portray that to her without:

1. Announcing my plans
2. Sounding defensive or like I'm hiding something

[quote]

Hi well I think that's the power of not announcing the plans and goals. I think the fact that you continue going dark like you have been doing will continue to get you the results.

So far:

You have gotten more independent.
Feel like you have a life.
Felt less anxious and needy.
Enjoying her pursuing you through phone calls and suggestions to get together.
Feel like things between you two are more balanced now as far as who wants to be with who.

Why should you seem defensive or like you're hiding something because you have a life?

Tink

[Tink]

"I still haven't gotten to the point where I know if I should be "allowing" my W to want to spend time together once a week or so."

Remember, going dark does not mean that you can't ever see her.

Wait til you get to Chapter 6. Or perhaps read Chapter 6 and then go back and read the rest.