New thread...here's a recap of the last few posts.
In the last few weeks H has talked about the possibility of salvaging the M, told me there is no longer a R with OW, has spent several nights here and has been initiating ML. Although he's "talked" about salvaging the M, he hasn't said he wants to recommit and we haven't really taken steps to actively work on the M. He remains very conflicted and keeps pulling away. I found out through snooping (I know - don't do it) that he's still in contact with OW but most likely no longer in a PA with her. This week I brought up a R talk and told him that we cannot truly consider working on the M if he's contacting OW. I said that we cannot continue to be physically intimate until all contact with her ends. H is away on a business trip for the last couple of days and gets back tonight. While away he has called me each night and we've spent quite some time on the phone. We've talked mainly about the trip. I've listened, validated, asked questions and sounded very interested. Although we are still S, H is moving back in here in a week "for financial reasons". He had been asking to do this for a couple of months and I finally agreed to it. I intend to maintain boundaries re s*x. S and I will be moving back to my hometown before the end of June (as per H's request after the A started). Realistically, I have no idea IF we can even work on the M when we'll be almost 3000 miles apart. SIGH!!!
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Addie-- it does sound like things are turning around in your M-- I understand what you are saying about working on the R from 3000 miles apart, but after you see how him living there goes, you might see it as more possible--- would H moving there ever be a possibility if the M started to improve?
I have the same question as confused, would he consider moving back with you?
Or, what about you, would you be willing to stay? I know you have to do what is best for you & S, it may be better for you to move back closer to your family. Hopefully, H will see that & maybe move back with you. Didn't you say he wasn't happy with his job?
Don't have much time to post but H said he wants to recommit to the M.
Here is what he said: -he's been a fool -takes full responsibility for what's happened -realizes he has a lot of issues to deal with and needs help dealing with them -there's a lot of work ahead of us to repair the M -he would answer anything I wanted to know about OR -would give me OW's address if I felt I needed to get revenge (I said I don't need to do this) -I'm a wonderful woman and excellent mother; any man would be lucky to have me as a W -doesn't think any one woman on the planet would ever meet the unrealistic expectations he has and needs to address why he feels like that
He has said almost everything I hoped to hear - the only thing he hasn't said is ILY.
I'll post more details when I can.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Nlt, Kalni, Andabelle-thanks so much for your support. Kalni, you're right. H has said ILY in so many other ways.
H has moved back. He was going to move back anyhow next week "for financial reasons" since S and I will be moving away soon. But he wanted to be here immediately.
He has also said: -he's been very, very stupid -if he could rewind back the clock to 6 months ago he would -he takes responsibility for what happened but he also feels he was manipulated (by OW) -he realizes S and I will be leaving for some time and he has no one to blame but himself-it will be very difficult for him but it's his own fault
What brought all of this on??? Just before he left for his business trip, we were discussing boundaries, no contact with OW H picked up the book "After the Affair" which was on my night table and said he's been reading some parts of the book and that it's very good. At that point I decided to give him a copy of the chapter on Infidelity from DR which I had copied beforehand and was trying to decide when to give it to him. He took it and didn't bring it up for a few days. Then on the day he returns, he says that he's read the chapter and now understands a lot of what we've both been going through. He says we have a lot of work ahead of us but we can get through it.
Yesterday we had a wonderful day together. We planted vegetables, went to the farmer's market and then in the afternoon the two of us went to a beer festival and had an awesome time. After the festival, he suggested we go for an ice cream and a walk by the lake. He was in a good mood the whole day. By night time he was distant. I gave him a kiss and told him I had a really good day and he said nothing. I don't know what to make of that - the rollercoaster continues. I know there's a long way to go especially since we'll be living far apart for some time.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Way to go!!!! That sounds great!!! I really think he is coming around. But just remember from what everyone says that they will have withdrawals. Maybe that is why he is being distant.
I don't know what to make of it either, unless he is thinking about the time he lost with you & S & also that you are about to leave & you will be living apart again.
