He left then Cheated ---Now What???

[No Longer BH]

So my son has been exhibiting signs of depression lately. He has been having crying fits and saying his feels empty inside and he is never going to trust anyone again. Last night was really bad so I tried to call H to talk w him. Could not get ahold of him so left him an email describing things S was saying. He called me at 11pm and we started to talk. It then spiraled into I am to blame for the way S is feeling because I have put S in the middle by saying that I want to work on M. And the blame just kept coming. He said I was ruining my S life by stealing him away from his dad and that if I knoew what was best for S I would move right back home. I was destroying any stability he had and that is why he is so depressed right now.

I comminted that I did not steal our S away, I left to get to a better emotional place. Because I am the primary parent it is important for me to be as healthy as possible for him. Being at the house where I would have to see H all the time and possibly OW while taking care of the packing and having strangers walking in and out was not something I could take. I pointed out that his stability was already gone, long before I moved to my family's house and that S was going to have to get use to a new house/new school anyway. This way he is at least more familiar with the kids and the area.

It then spiraled into how this is why he just cant trust me becasue of actions like this. I am very selfish and this is why he left. He did not leave for OW, she came after he decided he could not trust his heart to me. He then went on to say, up until I left, even though he was with OW, his heart was still not closed to me. He was open to the possibilty of reconsilliation. WTF!

I told him as long as there was OW, there was no M. And as long as he did not want MC, there was nothing for me to go back to, we were staying put. I could just hear the anger pouring out of him. Once again, though, I know I did what was right for me. I do not feel guilty for the choice I made. I slipped up though and said to him, when you choose the actions you choose the consequences. The consequence of your A is us leaving.

God, I hate how screwed up in their minds they are! Like I'm the sefish one. Please.

[No Longer BH]

BYW, has anyone else's kids gone through this? I am trying to find a T for him because I want him to be able to work it out and not be scarred for the rest of his life.

[Florie]

First of all, I am sorry your son is having to go through this. It sounds like you are doing what is best for him in terms of being there for him and moving out so he didn't have to be in that toxic environment.

I can definitely understand your anger in this situation. He is making himself the benevolent one in his head and trying to make you blame yourself by saying he was still open to a reconciliation etc. I bet he is feeling very guilty because he is not there for his son and his actions have caused a lot of the stress S is going through so (as many men do) they create fantasyland in their head where you are the bad guy and they have done nothing wrong.

Your S is lucky to have you and I am glad you realise that what your H is saying is BS. Somewhere in his brain he must know that what he is saying is not accurate and hopefully that piece of reality will tunnel its way out at some point.

You are doing great - hang in there!

[karen43]

So my son has been exhibiting signs of depression lately. He has been having crying fits and saying his feels empty inside and he is never going to trust anyone again. Last night was really bad so I tried to call H to talk w him. Could not get ahold of him so left him an email describing things S was saying. He called me at 11pm and we started to talk. It then spiraled into I am to blame for the way S is feeling because I have put S in the middle by saying that I want to work on M. And the blame just kept coming. He said I was ruining my S life by stealing him away from his dad and that if I knoew what was best for S I would move right back home. I was destroying any stability he had and that is why he is so depressed right now.

Of course you are not to blame for your son's depression. I know my son is a little depressed and mad at his dad for checking out of our family for several months; and your son may be experiencing some of that also I don't know? I do take my kids to a therapist and she said they are fine, but therapy is a good time during separation or divorce b/c it is just a stressful time of course. My husband is a blamer too, would blame me when he lost his keys or when I picked a movie he hated he would go off on a tirade (Enchanted was not that bad I don't think and the kids & I liked it). That was the kind of excuses and blaming he put on me; but the truth is my H wanted an affair, to be single, escape responsibility, etc. and I guess the guilt would probably crush them if they didn't come up with lame blaming and excuses for their actions. But the main thing is, you shouldn't let him go off on you with blaming stuff like that. Of course it's all ridiculous, but just say that you are making the best choices you can for the family and you do not need to listen to that.

He then went on to say, up until I left, even though he was with OW, his heart was still not closed to me. He was open to the possibilty of reconsilliation. WTF!

Again other WAS rationalization; nothing was his fault, it was all yours! My H says stuff like that too, again I guess they can't face what they have done or something. It is really common for the WAS to try to make us the "bad guys" which is ridiculous, but if they didn't do that they probably wouldn't be able to live with themselves I think.

I told him as long as there was OW, there was no M. And as long as he did not want MC, there was nothing for me to go back to, we were staying put. I could just hear the anger pouring out of him.

Again, please don't let him yell at your or blame you. Tell him you will leave or hang up if he does that, and then do it. I have a "toxic" H too, and since I have been doing that, we actually are getting along better, at least I am not going through so much stress or migraines. Karen

[runningoutoftime]

It's very typical of the WAS to blame the LBS for anything they can. That's to be expected. It makes their position easier and it helps alleviate any guilt... and it helps them to justify the decisions they've made. Anything you do will be twisted "against you." For example, you've moved for your mental health, and to have family support, but he'll twist it to make it look like you've "stolen his child from him." That's pretty typical.

I would never say you are to blame in ANY way. I know in my pain, and in reaction to my Husband's A and D, I said and did things that unintentionally had negative effects on my kids...

Unfortunately, when a parent leaves and then a child goes through a move... that's a lot of change. Children tend to do better with consistency and security. I imagine your son feels like he has lost a lot; A parent, maybe neighborhood friends, the school he went to.... that's a lot of changes. His depression isn't surprising.

My son also went through this. Unfortunately, the best you can do is just try to give him plenty of time and attention. It would be nice if he could spend a lot of time with his father, but the distance will make it difficult. I've seen soo many dads who really loved their children slowly fade out of their lives over time. It destroys the kids, and I don't think the dad's want to go there. It's just something that happens over time as people go in different directions with their lives. I'm so sorry. I understand your pain. I've been there....

[No Longer BH]

One thing that has stuck out in my head since my therapy session was that T said she felt like my H was putting on a "show" of being a good dad right now. He's using it as a way to justify that his actions have been ok because look at what a wonderful parent he is. She then went on to say that this kind of behavior tends not to last for more than 8month - 1 year. That then even the pressure of parenting becomes too much. Has anyone here had this happen to them?

Unfortunately, H was not too involved with S except video games before he left. After he left it was like he was going to prove to everyone (maybe OW) how wonderful he really is. The reason I bring this up is because ever since last night telephone conversation H has sent me 3 emails to check up on how S is doing. I'm keeping him informed but kinda feel like if he really wanted to know, he could have called S and talked to him. It just feels like all show and no substance. I really hope that she is wrong about how involved H stays. But my H has started to live the exact say life his F has had - F had an affair, left H mother and married OW, acted like a great parent then lost interest in his kids. By the time my H was 20, he stopped having any contact w his F. After S was born, we called F to see if he wanted to come and meet his new grandson and he said maybe when the time was better. That was almost 9 years ago. Funny, my H swore he would never be like his F. Guess sometimes the apple just doesnt fall as far as we want. Can you see why I'm hoping and praying that this really is just an MLC, but many times I wonder if its just not who he has become.

[imLIN]

My H was a good dad before...but he did become like yours when he entered MLC...like your H his relationship with his F was very strained to say the least (long story, history of abuse)...when my H moved out he promised to be there for son...was for a short time then H moved 2 hours away...and it was like he dropped off of the face of the earth...we rarely heard from him...months could go by with out a return call or email to son...school plays were missed and other milestones in S's life...it was very hard...sad thing is that H really believed that S was alright because he acted alright when he did see his dad...H also put on pretense to his own family that he was seeing S all the time...they had no idea...

The counselor I had advised me to stay out of relationships between H and kids...if he called/emailed and wanted me to tell the kids something I would invite him to tell them himself...his relationship was his responsibility...

I found out long after H's return home that he really didn't feel capable of being a F...that he felt like he was becoming his dad...it scared him...it depressed him...all part of the MLC syndrome...

So while your H wants contact I would do my best to encourage it...I would also look at how your own actions could be impacting your S...it maybe that there is no other way and this is a consequence of H's actions he will have to deal with...but sometimes in our own pain we seek short sighted solutions for ourself and don't really take that needed step back to look at the whole picture...we are emotional beings...it is pretty normal as women for us to do this...

I would encourage your H to make direct contact with S (he might be avoiding this out of guilt or inability to deal with his S's emtions)...be patient...be understanding...try not to assume too much...

Take care...Lin

[No Longer BH]

Ok, ok, ok, I think I'm getting what you all are saying. Even though this really sucks for my S and me, looking towards my H to try and make it better aint gonna happen. No matter how much I want him to carry some of the burden for S depression, he is just going to use it as a tool to try and hurt me.

I know my H is the same as an addiction for me at this moment. Funny how I did not even see that I was trying to get my "fix" by emailing him about S problems. I can now see that is exactly what it was. At the time I thought I was being a good coparent by letting H know what was going on. H has sent me a couple of emails lately wanting updates on how S is doing. Should I just reply back that he should call S and find out from him from now on? We had agreed from the begining to always talk about S with eachother so that we could do the best for him we could. I understand H is screwed up in the head right now and really is not capable of taking care of S emotional needs. In fact, he is avoiding that as well. I had asked him many times in the past to please talk to S about the anger he was feeling. Whenever he has S he dances around the subject, saying things like "You know you can talk to me if you want." and then dropping it.

I was thinking the next time he sent an email about how S was doing to respond back with: S is doing better. Still is having some issues but I'm sure he would like to talk to you about them himself. Thanks for checking in.

What do you think?

Oh, and once again....obviously I have a pretty thick skull so I'm sure that there are going to be many more 2x4s needed my way. I appreciate the ones I have recieved so far. Believe it or not, I do take them to heart and try to follow the advice. Sometimes I just dont see that I have strayed from my path. Thanks again.

[No Longer BH]

H emailed me wanting to know about S again. I responded back with the reply above. I then asked him is wanted to have S for Father's day because I thought that was the right thing to do. I'm going to be heading down to stay with some friends for the weekend and they only live 20 min from H, so it will not be a big deal to get S to him. I'm really looking forward to seeing my friends, it should be a great pick me up.

[Florie]

I will be interested to hear how he responds. I think that was a good way to respond. Plans with your friends this weekend sound great! Hope you have a blast!