"I thought we had made a non-verbal agreement to just live this way and was OK with it, apparently he felt rejected and was starting to hate me."
Communication within a marriage is vital - it confronts problems and creates intimacy.
"About a year ago my H had an affair and said it was only for the sex since he wasn't getting any at home. I have a hard time believing that purely lack of sex will drive a man to cheat."
Do you think you two would have ever have got married if there was "purely a lack of sex" in your relationship?
"I cannot get over his lying to me and feel that a sexless marriage is just his excuse."
Not an excuse - a reason. But that doesn't make it right.
"I believe he has a lack of morals and immaturity to go outside the marriage and then blame it on me without discussing it maturely."
I totally agree.
"My H says he is very sorry..."
Now that you have confronted and are dealing with the SSM issue, he in turn must promise there will be no more infidelity.
"...and deeply wants to work on marriage and strangely our sex life is now better than ever. I think we have both awakened to our sexuality again..."
Good - work separately and together to keep it alive. Its a core strand of a healthy marriage, not just an optional extra.
"...but I just can't help to see him as a sick perverted person now who is obsessed with other women."
No - a man's sex drive is an integral part of his personality. Sexual attraction is entirely natural but has to be channelled. He had no channel for years. But he was weak and dishonest to have an affair instead of discussing the SSM with you. It sounds like you are still angry? Do you have your own issues about sex? Did he ever try and discuss your SSM with you? (I find it very hard to believe he never tried.) What was your response?
"The way he acted and the language he used are so unlike anything I have ever known from him (20+) years."
What do you mean exactly?
"I am curious to know how men really feel when they are rejected and does it really make them so desperate that they are willing to give up your wife and children just to have sex???????????"
Is a warm, relaxing, scented, candle-lit bath after a long, hard, stressful day "just a wash"?
Is a conversation and glass of wine with your husband in front of a roaring fire "just a chat"?
You are getting some very good advice from the other posters.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
Thank you all for your great insights and wisdom. I cannot tell you how much this has helped me to see the full picture from an unbiased perspective You are all pushing my buttons and it doesnt feel good, but I understand that all these great questions are really making me dig down deep and do some thinking!
I said earlier that I thought we had a non-verbal agreement to live a SSM, but its true I was avoiding the truth because it was easier. My H had discussed with me a few years earlier asking "are you ever going to want to have sex with me again" and 'I feel like you dont love me anymore". I was dealing with the death of my mother and felt he was being ridiculous at the time. I later started reading books and knew this wasnt healthy, but from after a while the resentment built, the connection faded and I truly thought that my H was just turning into an angry jerk for no reason. At that point, I really felt I was no longer interested in sex and after two kids I thought my sex life was over and quite frankly I didn"t miss it- who wants to have sex with a grumpy, irritable H? I think I can see now that his irritability and frustration was most likely linked to his feelings of rejection. I think my H has always had trouble with rejection as he was adopted and raised by a family that was not very close or supportive.
I get that my H was looking for emotional and physical closeness during the A, but its still painful to know he would be willing to go to a stranger to get it. I know, I know, he had no other channel for sex, but I just never thought he was "the type" to have an affair (I guess no spouse would). As someone else said, my avoidance of what was happening in my marriage came back to "bite me in the butt". Its amazing how your sexual energy comes back when you realize someone else is taking over your husband. I think I may have never woken up to my sexuality again if the affair had not happened?
Ironically, I can now see what this kind of rejection feels like because now I feel like I am the one being cast aside. Every day I feel like my husband would rather be with someone else or that I am not good enough- I guess that's how I was making him feel too? I hate that something that was once so natural and fun is now so complicated and damaged.
I've been reading along, but not posting. My W has cut me off, and I resent the heck out of it, and she seems quite content. (Over three years, if you want to know.) In this post I finally see that you are getting it, nothing makes his actions right, but, on the other hand, it was a pretty bad set up. The question now, and I don't have any answer, is how do you get out of it? I have not had an A, and don't intend to. At the same time, I don't know if I can ever trust my W again. Especially since this is the second three year gap. I'll be watching, I hope to see some good advice, and maybe something that can help me!
[quote=blackwell28It seems that just because he is the HD spouse, that I am the one that has to do all the changing which is frustrating. Feels like a catch 22, if we are not intimate he will cheat, if we are I feel like I am being used for his enjoyment only and that he probably still would prefer affair where there is no resentment or baggage. [/quote]
Blackwell...I know it may feel like you are the one who is supposed to do all the changing, but it definitely is a 2-way street. You DO have changes you need to make, and you are aware of that, but so does your H. I'm sorry if you've covered this already but...are you two in MC? If not, you both need it.
As for him probably preferring an affair where there is no resentment or baggage...that's a false statement. He let you know for a very long time that he PREFERRED YOU. He's still going to, but you both have issues to work out. And (I know you shouldn't start a sentence with and...but)...there would still be baggage and resentment, even if he chose that route again. He'd have the baggage of YOUR marriage, and YOUR resentment of what he's doing. Affairs are not free of baggage and resentment, not at all....they are a fantasy world.
Blackwell...right now your husband isn't likely to trust that you aren't going to put him right back in the position he was in before (with no sex), and it's going to take time to get him to really see and believe you are working on making changes within yourself. Just as you are hurt by what he did with the affair, and you don't necessarily trust he won't do that to you again...he also has trust issues with you and the changes you are working to make.
I really believe you guys need a good marriage counselor.
[quote=blackwell28It seems that just because he is the HD spouse, that I am the one that has to do all the changing which is frustrating. Feels like a catch 22, if we are not intimate he will cheat, if we are I feel like I am being used for his enjoyment only and that he probably still would prefer affair where there is no resentment or baggage. [/quote]
Blackwell...I know it may feel like you are the one who is supposed to do all the changing, but it definitely is a 2-way street. You DO have changes you need to make, and you are aware of that, but so does your H. I'm sorry if you've covered this already but...are you two in MC? If not, you both need it.
As for him probably preferring an affair where there is no resentment or baggage...that's a false statement. He let you know for a very long time that he PREFERRED YOU. He's still going to, but you both have issues to work out. And (I know you shouldn't start a sentence with and...but)...there would still be baggage and resentment, even if he chose that route again. He'd have the baggage of YOUR marriage, and YOUR resentment of what he's doing. Affairs are not free of baggage and resentment, not at all....they are a fantasy world.
Blackwell...right now your husband isn't likely to trust that you aren't going to put him right back in the position he was in before (with no sex), and it's going to take time to get him to really see and believe you are working on making changes within yourself. Just as you are hurt by what he did with the affair, and you don't necessarily trust he won't do that to you again...he also has trust issues with you and the changes you are working to make.
I really believe you guys need a good marriage counselor.
Blackwell, have you told him what he actually has to do to show you that he's sorry, rather than just saying it? It seems to me that would be the way to deal with things like singles sites--he should know those are deal-breakers for you.
It's good that you're not puritanical about porn, but keep in mind that asking whether he'll get his release from "you, other women, or porn" makes it sound like pornography is equivalent to having sex with either the wife you love or the exotic other woman. It's not. If I could replace sex with my wife by using pornography, I'd do it and save us both a lot of heartache. If you're still going to reject him, and you're expecting a concession on pornography to allow you to have your cake and eat it too, it probably won't work. You mentioned your emotional needs--should he be able to ignore those as long as you can watch romantic movies? Not the same, right?
As an HD husband, I can tell you that rejection can drive a man pretty far. I've never cheated, but I had those thoughts and I constantly fantasize about other women. I tell myself I'll never act on these fantasies, but I can't help but wonder whether women notice that I sneak glances and get distracted--and think I'm, in your words, a pervert. Also as a HD husband, the mind boggles to see a woman say she didn't realize her husband felt rejected or ugly because she rejected him. To the HD person, it seems too obvious for words that if you reject someone, they feel rejection, and if you say by word or deed "you are inadequately attractive to interest me" then they feel inadequate. If you spit out the dessert your mother made and pulled a face, would you be surprised if she took that to mean her dessert was no good?
I'm still in the middle of a sex-starved marriage, so I might be feeling too raw to reply well here, but your husband has no reason to believe you won't reject him all over again once you get what you want, and you don't really know that he won't cheat, either. You'll have to find a way to come together without knowing for sure.
One more thought for you. From his point of view, right or wrong, you hold all the power in the marriage. The marriage represents a rigged game. You're asking him to play, but he already knows you aren't going to allow him to win or even enjoy playing. You have all the power--the two of you will have sex when, how, and how often you choose, or not at all. He has NO say in the matter except what you grant him. One way for him to get around this Catch-22 situation is to go outside the marriage. And he probably does not believe, no matter what he's told you, that he played a large part in creating the Catch-22 by reinforcing your rejection.
That's my advice; it's worth every penny I charge for it. If I actually knew so much I'd be upstairs making love to my wife.
