Not sure if I should post this in the SS forum or if it's just another WTF moment with W.
Sex seems to have tailed off between us after her initial out burst of energy. (Honeymoon period over ?) This morning after her shower W asked me to sit next to her on the bed, then she told me that I was killing the excitement of sex between us(WTF). So I asked her why, and she said it was because I lay in wait now every morning and every evening expecting it to happen. She said she wants it to happen as a nice surprise (with her initiating) when she's in the mood. So aside from that I should leave her alone. (!!$$)
OK in the meantime what am I supposed to do, well she want me to leave it, don't think about it, and see if it happens naturally . But men think about sex on average every 7 seconds and I don't think I'm any different especially being starved of it for very long periods. So it's difficult not to.
I think the plus point is that W has said something rather than let it fester, however she was just telling me how she felt at that moment rather than getting into a deep conversation cos just as with the R she doesn't really want to talk details. For her it will either work or it won't.
So it's leave her alone and see what happens, but I must try to avoid leaving her alone becoming ignoring her cos I know full well the consequences of that.
So it's back to the decorating, I hope that will take my mind off things.
L, On the sex thing, my W had similar issues...i never gave her the time to initiate etc. i would like to have sex with my W morning and night and if possible at lunch time as well. In the past her refusal, would put me in a negative frame of mind. I will also need to work on this (letting her initiate) even if it means that the frequency will diminish. The way I look at it right now is if i was able to not have sex with my wife for 6 months, surely I should be able to tolerate 6 days without it. One last comment on this man vs woman sex issue. men can get aroused with the drop of a hat, my W has told me that a woman needs to feel loved before she can make love. It's up to us to make them feel loved....maybe look at her LL and concentrate on that for a while. Good luck...let us know how you make out (that did not come out right did it?)
"So I asked her why, and she said it was because I lay in wait now every morning and every evening expecting it to happen. She said she wants it to happen as a nice surprise (with her initiating) when she's in the mood. So aside from that I should leave her alone. (!!$$)"
Hmmm.. No expectations. Something tells me you may be starting to be a little complacent. It's easy to fall back into the same old thing. Remember its up to you to bring it out in her. If she is feeling you waiting for it she is "giving". She is not telling you to "leave her alone". She is saying she wants a little more effort. Yes I know.. you are doing it all. All I am going to say about that is.. she can't see it. Remember.. even if you just think it.. your spouse can see it. I know what you are thinking about because you write about it here. You asked me why I was concerned about you.. its because of the tone in your posts. I know it is frustrating.. you still need to think outside the box a little. You need to figure a way to draw her close. You have done it before.. I know you can do it again. Sometimes after all the "bomb" debris clears.. we loose our motivation.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
In the past her refusal, would put me in a negative frame of mind.
For me still does , But it's more so when I get her in the mood with a foot rub or back rub, I get in the mood, then next thing she snoring.
Originally Posted By: John210
men can get aroused with the drop of a hat.
Thats probably true in most cases, but I'm not 16 anymore and my had doesn't always drop on command so I guess when does it drop I don't want to waste it. I think I'm trying to make the most of every opportunity especially as my barren spells have gone way beyond your 6 months. So it's not all pounce, ambush, grope I do set the scene get her in the mood (even a hint of romance) but when I do it well she always falls asleep. I've posted this here many times. (W falls a sleep)
FG. Complacency, I'm not sure, unless Frustration breeds Complacency then that's what you can call it. The tone of my posts may have changed, maybe because I struggle daily to keep a lid on my inner tutmoil which I do well and I'm sure things would fade away in time. I posted earlier to Sandi (Link) that rather than having W beg for forgiveness I would rather her just modify her behaviour so we both could relax and be happy. However when W behaves like she did during the bomb, or she talks to me like I've got S**t for brains or treats me like I'm a POS especially with what we've been through then it really does test my patience.
My frustration gets heightened with the fact that W doesn't want to discuss anything in case I say anything which will remind her of the recent past. So some of the things in our R that I want to talk about to try and straighten us out, we can't talk about. In fact when W spoke to me this morning I was surprised she touched on this subject matter, but then again I couldn't give the responses I wanted to cos I'm sure her behavior with OM would have been mentioned. Can't think why I would do that but I thought it best to validate, I can still remember how to do that.
No I would not say I am complacent I would more say I'm a different person who see the whole world differently. NFC, no my problem is I do have a clue now. I can see things, I can see both our mistakes past and present but it looks like it's up to me to keep us on the straight and narrow and not make these mistakes set us back.
Lanzo, Your last paragraph...I get the same feeling. I honestly think that my W feels almost no responsibility for the last year including the one night stand. this is the feeling i get when i speak to her...I am the one who needs to improve...she does not see her faults. Now the real question...when is the right time for us to bring up some of those shortcomings without shooting ourselves in the foot. one thing i am happy about is that she has no problems articulating areas of improvement for me...i am afraid (yes you read that correctly...afraid) to bring up certain things. oh well, patience and there is a time and a way to send your messages.
"The tone of my posts may have changed, maybe because I struggle daily to keep a lid on my inner turmoil".
I understand this.. hence I am concerned. Let me say this again.. If you keep going this way.. where do you go? How many times do you think she felt like this.. once.. twice maybe? Come on man.. one of two things has to happen.. either you suppress it and get over it.. or you come up with a way to communicate it to her.
Lets think it out a little.. She likes quality time.. if I remember correctly. Oh yea.. the shirts.. Lets go shirt shopping, just you and her. Plan it out. While you are walking around.. showing off.. say something like.. "You know.. I like it when we talk like this. It just comes so easy."
Now whatever the response.. say something like..
"You know.. Sometimes.. I want to say things.. but I feel like I can't."
Now this leaves you with two ways to go.. you can back track.. or go forward.
If I was a betting man.. I would bet the response to the statement is "Really?"
If not.. listen to what she says and report back here. Pick back up where you were and have a great time. Thats the hard part!
On the comment "Really?" you are on your own with how to keep it going.
"I would rather her just modify her behavior so we both could relax and be happy."
I am with you on that one. You still need to help her with this. You can sit back and wait for it.. Or you can find a way to make it happen. This should be a DB goal for you. Here let me help out a bit...
We should modify our behavior so we both could relax and be happy.
I suggest you make that.. goal #1 and focus on it. Enough with the morning "Happy Lan". My goal.. I wanna see Lan's wife posting here. I'm working on mine.. It could happen.
"However when W behaves like she did during the bomb, or she talks to me like I've got S**t for brains or treats me like I'm a POS especially with what we've been through then it really does test my patience. My frustration gets heightened with the fact that W doesn't want to discuss anything in case I say anything which will remind her of the recent past. So some of the things in our R that I want to talk about to try and straighten us out, we can't talk about. In fact when W spoke to me this morning I was surprised she touched on this subject matter, but then again I couldn't give the responses I wanted to cos I'm sure her behavior with OM would have been mentioned. Can't think why I would do that but I thought it best to validate, I can still remember how to do that."
It amazed me.. How easily that went together. I see you putting in in perspective at the end. You are struggling with how to do this. She can see it. Just like you could back in the day. Why was I worried? You know the answer. I am not better than you.. you can do this. Think Lan.. Think.
"No I would not say I am complacent I would more say I'm a different person who see the whole world differently. NFC, no my problem is I do have a clue now. I can see things, I can see both our mistakes past and present but it looks like it's up to me to keep us on the straight and narrow and not make these mistakes set us back."
One question. Read what you just wrote.. and answer it.
Who is going to walk away next? Remember.. both of you need to make it work. Sometimes you have to lead.. Sometimes you have to follow. Its up to you to decide when. No matter what the outcome. The OP.. Icing on the cake. Don't carry the load alone.. you know where that goes.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I was sat here wondering how to respond to your last post without sounding complacent, smug, arrogant, distant, angry, crazy, ready to say if anyone was to walk now it would be me etc, etc. (remember I see things differently now).
Then 2 glasses of wine and I read this bit and a light bulb switched on in my head.
Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump
We should modify our behavior so we both could relax and be happy. I suggest you make that.. goal #1 and focus on it. Enough with the morning "Happy Lan".
No, my No 1 goal is Barcelona. I'm gonna take W to Barcelona in September for our anniversary. Do you know how many times I've promised W Barcelona and then when she peed me off I just cancelled out of spite. Well I'm gonna go for it, book it and surprise her. Yep I'm gonna do that.
See you don't need to worry about me I know what I'm doing. In the meantime I'll just get on with the decorating while W is out partying.
Originally Posted By: forrest Gump
I wanna see Lan's wife posting here.
My politest reply would be no f**king chance, I can see He** freezing over before that happens.
Ooops, not sure if you're gonna like the tone of that.
"I was sat here wondering how to respond to your last post without sounding complacent, smug, arrogant, distant, angry, crazy, ready to say if anyone was to walk now it would be me etc, etc. (remember I see things differently now)."
Dear god.. why would you have to hold your tone with me..
"No, my No 1 goal is Barcelona. I'm gonna take W to Barcelona in September for our anniversary. Do you know how many times I've promised W Barcelona and then when she peed me off I just cancelled out of spite. Well I'm gonna go for it, book it and surprise her. Yep I'm gonna do that."
That seems like a good place to talk.. sounds promising.
"My politest reply would be no f**king chance, I can see He** freezing over before that happens."
Cough.. cough... I seem to remember you saying the same thing about you and wife ever getting back together and being happy.. We know how that one turned out.. well.. semi happy anyway.
If you tell me you are good.. I am fine with that. I didn't have a lot of doubt.. just a little.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Ok, No1 goal in motion got the tickets booked for September. Got loads of time to spend fluffing it up so it's a nice surprise for W. I'll try to make up for all those other messed up anniversaries.
Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump
Cough.. cough... I seem to remember you saying the same thing about you and wife ever getting back together and being happy.. We know how that one turned out.. well.. semi happy anyway.
That as may be but I definately wouldn't want W posting over here.
