Worse before Better?

[Sophie]

I understand MLC is a journey of years, not months.

I understand it takes twists and turns and it totally out of the LBS control. After 'watching' and living with my WAH in MLC...I am happy to be OFF the roller coaster.

It took me a year of 3 steps foward and 1 step back to detach, GAL, and not take everything personally.

(That was the first he while he lived down the road in a little brick house)

This last year, the second, my life, and detachment has been more like 5 months forward and 1 month backward. My 3 kids (S13;S10 ;D8) and I go for months without any word from H. Then something comes up like soccer season and he starts showing up to watch the games. It seems he is more settled, it seems he misses us, he invites us to lunch or dinner after the games, or just comes over to hang out.

I start to let him 'in' a little each week and offer times like hanging out at the house for the boys sleepover nights. So that he can ease back into being a family.

Well...that goes smooth until soccer season ends, or he just doesn't show up for whatever reason, and I question his 'intentions'.

I find I let him into our lives, only to find out that he just wants to float in and out whenever he feels like it and NO WAY was he intending to move back!! He turns back into the ugly selfish person.

So....I stood up and said you can't come and go as you please. I have been left with all parenting duties...and I mean ALL. I have been left with all the upkeep etc around our house and 1 1/2 acres. I can't help but resent, after 2 years, that I am the only one raising the kids, and he wants me to go with his 'flow'.....

Anyway, when I say I'm not going to do that, I'm not going to let him come and go, not be accountable, not be a parent, fib about.....anything.

He gets mad and disappears. We have not heard from him for almost two weeks, but then again, 9 weeks have gone by without hearing from him. My friend drives by his place occasionally; it's hard to avoid his place as he lives on one of the busiest commuter corners in our county. (But, I manage to avoid that corner very well!) My friend says, it appears no one is there and that a questionable friend that latched onto my H as soon as he moved over there, has had his van there a lot.

I don't intend to get into anything about that friend...just need to know what MLC is like after it's been in full swing for 2=3 years.

In the beginning my H was excited about having is own place for the first time in his life. He was excited to be taking care of himself...by himself. He didn't want anyone, especially me, doing anything for him. He lavished in his independence.

Depression definately led up to his departure from our home and family. Then the 'high' of all the newness/and 'low' of reality was a roller coaster we all were on with him throughout the first year.

This last year, he seems more depressed than ever, he disappears, I think he numbs his thoughts with alcohol...his family is sure he does that. He is crabby, he is irresponsible, etc.

It seems things have gotten worse. I hear about 'hitting rock bottom'. Is that inevitable? Is that necessary? Do things get worse before they get better with MLC?

[Lissie]

It seems like you have a pretty good grip on this "stuff".

I have heard it does get worse before it gets better.

I think the boundaries you are going to set are good.

Everything you put in motion, as you know is to benefit you and your babies.

You seem to know his groove. It takes a while to learn their dance.

Stay the course, sounds like you are doing well. Yup the rollercoaster sucks.

The good thing is we can get off, every now and again, and just bask in the sun.

[Sophie]

Hi Lissie,
Nice to 'meet' you...thanks for responding.

There are times I feel like I have a good grip on my life...and those times are when I forget he is out there...you know, when hours go by and then something hits you..'OH..ya...my H is jerk...I forgot about that!'

I read about mediators and then retrovaille today on this board. MY H wants some 'middle ground'...but, he doesn't want to do anything to establish it. He just doesn't want to apply any effort to anything where this house, me and the kids are concerned.

He probably didn't believe me, and has probably forgotten, that I said I'd start looking for legal arrangements. I didn't get specific b/c I'm not sure really where to start.

I've been researching and reading about, divorce lawyers vs mediators.

I see that retrovaille is recommended by divorce lawyers and mediators....so, I sent him a message to check out the link, that it is one form of mediation, face to face, that I would be interested in. I doubt I'll even hear back from him on that.

I read that retrovaille is usually only helpful at the end of MLC. I don't know if he is actually in MLC, or just turned rotten! But, it's been 3-5 years, and he is going down hill, not up....so maybe, he's ready for another 'change of life'???

Thoughts for me???

I'm feeling such ugly vibes from his side of town....and I keep reminding myself NOT to 'imagine' things.

[Bworl]

Sophie,

Is he still providing anything financially for you and the kids?


Bill

[Bworl]

I find I let him into our lives, only to find out that he just wants to float in and out whenever he feels like it and NO WAY was he intending to move back!! He turns back into the ugly selfish person.

You do understand that this pains you because you still place expectations on him. It's very hard not to do, but part of your detaching and GAL could include you working on zero expectations from him. MLC'ers are pretty good at disappointing and generally suck at pleasantly surprising us.


Blessings,

Bill

[Sophie]

Hi Bill,

When he left he said nothing financially would be affected by his move. He is a custom woodworker and was 'planning' on side jobs to support him. Very nobel of him...but...it he tends to count chickens before they hatch.

I taught high school math for 20 years in San Diego, gave that up to move to his home state, where his family lived agreeing to be a stay home mom...so that he could 'wear the pants' and support his family.

Now, all his family has moved out of state, he left me with the kids and I have taken a job teaching math online. I now pay at least 1/3 of everything...and I pay everything for the kids. My H pays those bills that do not change...the mortgage, health insurance, electricity and car insurance. That's it. He did okay with these for a little over a year...since Nov. he has been paying those bills with late fees or to the point they are cancelled...and then he catches up. I am now working full time, but make less than him, and being a stay home mom.

In this last year, the only time he has come around is because soccer season started. I pay for the soccer teams, both boys play, I pay for equipment, trophies, snacks, etc. I get homework done so we can get to soccer, both boys at different places, different times, I get both boys to games. My H comes to the games to watch them play.

I resent that.

But, I tried having him help out....I cannot count on that, he'll cancel on me because of work. He does work alot, he has to in order to keep his place.

Our health insurance has been cancelled, and I find out when I go to the pharmacy. He pays it 1 1/2 months late with a penalty. Our electricity has been within 24 hours of being cancelled because he doesn't pay, the electricy company tries to contact him first, and he doesn't answer. So, it forces me to call him to get the bill paid.

I just don't get why he is so determined to continue like this. The only thing that has ever been cancelled, or threatened to cancel at his house is his direct tv!

Sorry to vent....or, sorry to go off on a tangent...but, I can tell you more :)...ha.

now...zero expectations...I get there sometimes...and those times feel very free.

[Bworl]

I asked because I wondered if maybe it was time to shake things up a bit.

Would a legal separation be something to consider?

Benefits would be a legal settling of the financials, perhaps some legal requirements for help with the kids (either financial, physical, or both). Moreover it may send the message that you are preparing to move on.

Sometimes upsetting the apple cart can provoke movement.

You just have to be prepared for what that movement could be.

Just a thought.


Bill

[Sophie]

I think something to shake things up is a good idea...he's been a fence sitter for a while now.

This State doesn't have a 'legal seperation' it's called 'limited divorce'...which is the same thing.

I would like to have the monies that he has been paying, put in an account for me to manage the bills. Heck, I'd save him money becasue there wouldn't be late fees.

I am afraid of getting less than I do now, though. I've really 'risen' to the occasion here. I gave up a career and my entire family life...I only lived in San Diego...for 40+ years and gave it up to move here becasue he wanted to be here and raise our kids here. 3 years later, he has a quick A, and a year after that...he walks out on me and the kids. I didn't give up everything and move across the continent to be a single, full time working, mom. I am raising the kids by myself. He never upholds any agreement, schedule, etc....He used to be a great dad. Now, he's replaced the kids and I with men friends that are worse off than him!

Sorry...to ramble. I'm new at this posting on DB.

I have been researching mediators, lawyers and then came across retrovialle....I sent it to him as he told ME to 'talk to someone'...he said he doesn't have the money to do it...so I found retrovialle.

I sent him the website, asked if he is interested, but...I haven't heard anything.

He hasn't fought to see his kids at all. He doesn't do anything...where we are concerned. He just thinks....when we talk...I talk...he thinks.

I am afraid to provoke something I do not really want. But, I realize I do not want a man in my life, or my kids life, like him...like the man he has changed into.

Truly....believe me...he used to be wonderful. He was a better parent than I at one time.

He just quit and left.

I do read and read and read about MLC. I understand it, I believe it...I think I went through my own which affected him...so I have been tolerant and patient. I just am done...but, there's more to that...sigh....

[Creed]

There are times I feel like I have a good grip on my life...and those times are when I forget he is out there...you know, when hours go by and then something hits you..'OH..ya...my H is jerk...I forgot about that!'

I'm sorry Sophie....that one had me laughing so hard...you nailed it!!! LOL

He doesn't want to have to make a decision, he doesn't want to have to be responsible for paying bills on time, he doesn't want to have to be responsible for helping with soccer, just show up when it works for him....he just plain 'doesn't.

It's like they can't handle anything other than their job, and socializing with friends..kind of like when we were in high school, and we did our homework, and then went out to play. No one expected us to do much more than that.

If you do decide to seek legal representation, do so knowing that most lawyers will tell you that you shouldn't be in the precarious situation that you're in..and that there should be something on paper 'legally' so that your H will HAVE to carry his fair share of responsibility financially.

Having gone through what I did, I would intend to agree with them. I didn't want my D either, but I wish I would have started protecting myself earlier in the game. How your H would take your move consulting a L, I don't know...it could shake him up, or it could get things moving in a direction I don't think you're sure you want to take...at least not all the way down the road.

Think long and hard, but remember at this point, you are the one protecting yourself and the kids financially...he is not. He's really not capable of much at all at this point, other than taking care of himself.

I hope you'll be able to get him to some counseling/mediation. I wish things looked easier, but they're generally not

As suggested by others do what you need to do for you and the kids. Make your decisions according to those priorities.

[Sophie]

He doesn't want to have to make a decision, he doesn't want to have to be responsible for paying bills on time, he doesn't want to have to be responsible for helping with soccer, just show up when it works for him....he just plain 'doesn't.

It's like they can't handle anything other than their job, and socializing with friends..kind of like when we were in high school, and we did our homework, and then went out to play. No one expected us to do much more than that.

If you do decide to seek legal representation, do so knowing that most lawyers will tell you that you shouldn't be in the precarious situation that you're in..and that there should be something on paper 'legally' so that your H will HAVE to carry his fair share of responsibility financially.

YES!! It feels like he has become something...somewhere between being my brother....or the teenage brother of my children (S13,S19,D8). My H justs wants to do.........nothing......or,...nothing.

I think I have been fair to take on a little more than 1/3 of the finanaces, when I gave up everything to move here to be a stay home mom. He has been paying the rest...but, irresponsibly. He knows he took on more than he could handle, financially....he knew that before he signed the lease. But, no common sense existed.

If he truly felt divorce and splitting up this family was the best for all in the long run, he would have handled it in a responsible way. He just ran...I almost spit nails when he said the day he moved out, he had MIXED FEELINGS about it!! He put us through all this damage when he had mixed feelings???! Just plain selfish.

I am at the crossroad of where I just give up on the person my H has become. I am at the crossroad of accepting that he evolved into a man I would never believe in, nor ever want to have children with.

or

This crossroad crosses the 3-5 year long highway of MLC....I don't know that I can stay on this highway anymore. Tolerance, patience and empathy are turning into....views of pathetic waste.

I didn't want a divorce. But, this man is not a family man.

He seems to have gotten worse...uglier...more distant...more withdrawn this last year. Is that how MLC goes?

When the MLCer is left alone by our detachment and the fact that we have our own lives to live...does the 'reality spirit' haunt them?

You know, when I detatch and go on about our busy lives, just focus on the kids, school, their friends, my friends, my life....eventually, he blames me, and the kids, for treating him like he is dead.