I need some impartial advice about my marriage situation -I have thought so hard I feel my head is going to explode but I cant make descision and neither it seems can husband. Married 28 years-Friendly but platonic marriage he was always emotionally withdrawn and had affairs.Last May as I was about to retire ...-bomb-"we both need to get a life I cant move to York(home town ) with you" I left the home and moved to my daughter-cried all summer and arranged divorce as far as decree nisi! Then he agreed to some counselling but never really engaged with it. I was amazed In November when he said that I had changed and could we hold the divorce.Told counsellor descision would be made in new year. Well Im still waiting .He calls me every few days and previously saw each other every other week but I blew it on our last meeting and said I couldnt go on as I finish temporary work soon and need to sort finances out.He said leave it a month and he would see his own counsellor but he hasnt. He says he doesnt want divorce because of his feelings for me but is frightened and isnt sure if we could live as man and wife. There has been/is another woman involved but he is holding her at arms length too.I am 58 He is 54.There is a strong bond between us but I am frightened he is slipping away also having his cake and eating it. My family think I am insane to wait any longer .I have the final signed divorce absolute letter in my bag but cant send it. Help!
It's so often hard to know what to do - for me, I tend to worry that one wrong move will decide the whole outcome. But, I'm coming to see that it's not that way. It's a series of moves and interpretations that create the story between you. Is there an external reason why you need to D, as opposed to just letting things play out a while longer? 1 yr out of 28 - if there is a strong bond and he is saying he doesn't want D, then what's wrong w/ waiting? These situations take a long time to develop, they also take a long time to change. I'm focused on how long you've been M - if you read more on this site, you will see th 1 yr is not a long time. Have you read DR?
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
It is hard to make the decision to D. I was reading DR last night, and one that that jumped out at me is as long as you have the will to fight, then you should keep fighting. If it comes to D, you will know the right time. You see, only you can know when you have had enough. No one in your family, your friends can tell you.
I try to keep it in perspective by looking at it this way: in the grand scheme of things, this will end up being a small span of time in my life. Do what you feel is right, in your heart, soul and mind. Don't let anyone tell you that you have given him enough time, because they are not living your life. Only you can decide when you have had enough. (((Arianne)))
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
((((Arianne))) No one can tell you how long is enough. You will know. If you haven't read DR, get a copy. It is very inciteful, and really gives you tips on how to handle your situation.
In terms of time, I look at things this way. In the grand scheme of my life, this is a short period of time. Your separation may have absolutely nothing to do with you. When you are the person who is hurting, it is hard to see past that pain. It consumes you, is all encompassing, and we tend not to look at the other person. Your H may be going through something that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Therefore, you wait as long as you can. You see, if you feel that you have waited long enough, that has to be your decision, and then you will have truly felt as if you have done everything you can. However, if you don't, you will alwsys wonder. And, there is no cardinal rule that says just because you and your H are separated that you can't start again. People walk away very easily when something like this happens.
it has to be your choice, not your friends, family, co workers. Yours. It is your life. No one can live it for you. So you do what your heart, soul and mind tell you too.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Thanks for the replies -I am overwhelmed at the kindness of strangers -Yes I will fight on because I know my husband is so guilty,confused ,ashamed and weak. It is true that 28 years of history and care is worth a years wait-Meanwhile I am trying to get a life without him . Ive read lots of books and the Divorce Busting one is definitely the best- as soon as I began making changes in my behaviour he grew more interested. Its just that I am constantly anxious and impatient!My family are worried that this goes on for another year or more- he is a notorious ditherer.Ive been insisting on regular contact (scared he slipped away) but maybe I should go dark and ask for nothing?
I have been told that sometimes its better to let them miss you a bit. My H has not spoken to me for a week now, and during that week I ran into him at a restaurant he had no business being at and my BF ran into him at the airport. All I can say is God works in mysterious ways. No contact is very hard, be forewarned. It is a constant battle of trying to occupy your mind somewhere else when you feel like you just need to talk. I don't know that going dark is the answer, but sometimes that little bit of time helps put things into perspective. They can't see the changes if they speak to you every day. Give them a little time, and they will be stunned.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I held off on our divorce for almost 2 years...actually I just now got to the court to set it aside...but after nearly 2 years apart and another year of piecing I am happy to say I busted our divorce... It was hard...but like your H, mine is a great procrastinator...we had a long history together also so I understand...if you still have feelings for each other it can be rekindled...but really time is on your side...unless you just can't wait to move on with someone else in your life then it is worth doing nothing for now...go about your life...don't insist on him seeing you...I let go and sometimes H would go months with no contact...so don't worry that he is slipping away...keeping contact won't change that either way...if he is going to go he will... Take care...Lin
The anxiety is hard. I still have it too, but less intense than in the beginning. Maybe you shld think abt some shorter term goals and actions. You may not have to go dark, but step back. If he is seeing you b/c you insist, then maybe you need a new strategy. One of the themes of DB is to b/c a person that your WAS needs to seek out, not feel obligated to.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
