books on certain topics?

[stubborn]

for purely selfish reasons I am starting a thread that gives reading ideas for specific topics.

Does anybody have suggestions for books that deal with changing emotional responses? I believe that emotions are controlled or at the very LEAST influenced by our thoughts and actions, so therefore we can control our emotions to some degree. I am looking for books with suggestions for how to influence our "feelings"


like the weather, they change

[Concerned_Listener]

Stubborn,

I have benefited from:

Happiness is an Inside Job by Sylvia Boorstein

CL

[saffie]

Authentic Happiness and Learned Optimism - both by Martin Seligman.

Also generally looking for books on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

[stubborn]

Thanks Saffie! I started the "Learned Optimism" one and it certainly had some stuff to say to me.

journaling here: There are times I just want my life back. I feel like we all feel in the beginning: just give me my life back. I want to fall on the floor and beg spouse and swear that I will do anything to save our family. (not a pretty picture now that I put it into words) But that's how I feel some times. Another part of me wonders why it always seems to be me that's willing to "change" and am I sentencing myself to a lifetime of settling for 2nd or even 3rd place? Am I afraid of loss, or change, or what?

Every time I lay down a boundary spouse has some type of fit. After she went to "visit" ow on Sat night I asked her not to call me during the day on Sunday. I sent her a simple email saying "please don't call me, you know DD is safe. I'll see you when you get home" She generally calls from work to check in and see what DD and I are up to. She didn't call but when she came home from work she told me privately that she was being "respectful" but it was unreasonable of me. What if she wanted to talk to DD?

yep, any kind of boundary is beyond her.

And I'm disappointed in the couples therapist. I did the initial "finding" of therapist and I told this person up front that we needed to "reconnect" and fast, was she into brief solution therapy and she assured me she was. But we've been wandering in the land of "why" as far as I'm concerned. I get the impression that she thinks I just don't get it. Do I confront her on this? Do I do it privately or in front of spouse or WTF? It's not like I can say to spouse "let's find someone new". Spouse is "comfortable" with this one, probably because others have told her she was "wrong" or making the problem and this one has not even hinted at "blame". Anybody ever had this problem and how did you handle it?

It's just not a pretty time around her. I still love my spouse, she considers me her "family". And yet we sit in the same old bog, me feeling like I'm holding us up and wondering if I should just let it sink. )*&*^!!!

[saffie]

I found cognitive behavioural therapy VERY helpful. Other C's or T's seemed to wallow in the how I got to the point I was at and kept going over old ground. I needed to recognise when my thought processes were unhealthy, when they weren't ....and what to do about them. I needed to move on and have coping strategies. CBT has given me that - I really can't rave about it enough. Those two books I mentioned are good, although not the easiest reads....and one really needs to be seeing a good CBT therapist to reinforce what you learn from your reading.

A lot of therapists get wrapped up in FOO, (Family of Origin) issues, and that doesn't suit a lot of people - your S sounds like a person that needs to not get wrapped up in FoOO issues from how you have described her and she sounds like she needs to develop good coping strategies.

CBT taught me how to deal with the things I can handle and how to compartmentalise away the things I can't, (until a time that I CAN do something about them - if ever), instead of just running around like a headless chicken worrying all the time but achieving nothing. It even taught me when to communicate to my H that I don't want to communicate for a while and just need some time out to get my head together - if that makes sense? Him knowing that helps him know how to deal with me instead of him stressing as well and then increasing the pressure load on me.

[Concerned_Listener]

Saffie,
Cognitive-behavior therapy is a useful tool for the reasons you mentioned. I think it has it's limitations, but it's a useful tool to help with countering negativity and self-defeating thought patterns. A book written by a CBT therapist that is accessible is Breaking the Patterns of Depression by Michael Yapko.

CL

[saffie]

CL,

I agree that it has it's limitations - like everything!!!!! I do think it important that professional help is accessed as well as reading about it. I shall look at the book you mentioned as it is one I haven't heard of. There are others out there that take the form of work books.