Real life...part 3

[Starshyne]

Hello everyone....here I am again with another thread. I don't feel like going into everything that has happened over the past 5 months. Sorry.

Today is our 5 year wedding anniversary. I am overwhelmed with saddness at the moment, so I just thought I would post here.

H is still messing with my mind. He called me today and told me that he can't see himself with the OW. He knows that their relationship isn't going to make it, but he is literally scared to end it with her. He thinks she is going to beat him up (and since I have now actually seen the woman...yeah...she is an amazon! She would cause him major harm). He is trying to wait for the right time to end it for her so that she doesn't hurt him physically. I tell you....this life is insane.

I actually feel like I talked to my "husband" on the phone. The man I married 5 years ago today. He was crying and telling me that he thinks something is mentally wrong with him and that he wants to get help for himself. He says that he just wants things in his life back to normal without all of the drama that she causes.

Yet....he is still with her. He sends me TMs saying that he loves me and that he is so sorry for everything he has done. But still he is with her.

I am confused. I have told his boss that they were having an affair. I told my family and friends that we were getting a divorce. My Dad has lectured me to no end about what a rotten person my H is and that I just need to cut all ties with him and move on with my life. And yet....I still want my marriage. Maybe I am just as addicted to my H has he is to the OW. I can tell you all what I can't tell my family....I am not ready for divorce. I should be. After everything that has happened, I should be ready for it, but honestly I am not. I am not sure if I have exhausted every avenue to save things. I want to do what is right in God's eyes and need to talk to someone about that. I just don't have peace about this situation. No peace at all about it.

Sara

[Snow White]

Hi Sara,

Can always count on me to be hanging around with nothing to do on a Saturday night. I believe that this is from one of the DB books or articles, I have seen it written a number of times. If you could push a magic button today and be divorced what would you be doing differently with your life? And why don't you do it now?

I have thought about this a few times with my legal separation papers. Everything I am doing would be the same with the exception I guess of being a little less hypersensitive to attention from men. I wouldn't be going out looking for dates, I am already living alone and taking care of things that way as I know you are too. Really I would be a little less well off financially since H is still just taking an "allowance". For those reasons I am in no rush either.

You are not addicted to your husband, you are in love with him. The oddness of his behaviour makes it even easier (in my opinion) to see that he is having some sort of mental issues which then again makes it easier to believe that if these issues can be resolved your real H will return.

Remember in the end it is your decision to make, of course your family and friends would like to see the pain stop. And dads are really protective. My dad was the last person close to me to know. He has hardly said boo which is very out of character for him. However, my mom had an affair on him 10 years ago - they are still together - so he understands that it isn't as black and white as many people looking in think it is.

Take care,

Denise

[LL44]

Here's another gal with no life on a Saturday night. Hugs to you Sara. I think you did the right thing by holding off on signing any papers. Give yourself time to let everything sink in. Don't listen to H's words unless they are backed with actions, and you can tell him that as well.

Thinking of you.

[Starshyne]

The thing is that I have done things tonight, but at 830pm, I am in for the evening! LOL! I have done a lot of GAL things today, but it is now time to settle in for me.

My Dad says that H is "playing me." That he knows just the right words to say to get to me. In a way, I can see that, but I don't believe it totally. I think the things H is saying to me is really how he is feeling. I don't think he is saying them because he wants to hurt me more than I am already hurt. But he is really, really messed up in the head and his actions aren't matching his words. He even said so. He said he knows what the right thing to do is, but he feels like he is so out of control with his lies and things that he has dug himself into a hole that he can't get out. He even said that he feels "trapped" with the OW. I said "I thought you were trapped in our marriage." And he said, "Oh no! I was wrong! I am so more trapped with her than I ever could have felt in our marriage."

I wish I just didn't miss him so much. Today especially has been difficult.

Sara

[kat727]

Sara, I will be going throught that myself on Tuesday. I bought an anniversary card because you know we are still married. I didn't do so well on his birthday last Sunday so I went ahead and took Tuesday off just so I wouldn't have to sweat it. My prayers are with you.
kat

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sara,

If your husband is confused, it is completely within his control to end this madness.

Why do you want to be with someone who is so morally weak??

I know this is MUCH easier for us on the outside, looking in, but from where I sit, this is SOOO close to busting wide open, if you would only take a firm stand with him.

I don't think he's "playing you" per se. I do think he's sharing his heart with you, as fogged out and as weak as it is. What your dad is seeing, though, is that you FALL for all of it. He obviously loves you, and wants to see you finally take a stand with your husband.

So do I.

Puppy

[Starshyne]

How am I NOT taking a stand with him? As long as he is with the OW, I out right refuse to be in the same house as him. If he comes in, I leave and sleep at my parents, because I refuse to be around him while he is having an affair. I haven't seen him in person since Tuesday when all of this happened. I have talked to a lawyer and have all what is needed on "stand-by." I just need to pay her the money to make it happen.

I am not answering all of his phone calls. I am making things as difficult for him as I legally can, and I am moving forward with my life.

I know that he is morally weak, but I also know that he is an ordained minister and knows better. If he would just get back on track with God, things would so totally be different.

I don't know if I fall for what he says 100%. I do believe that he still loves me. And I think the things he is saying is truly his heart. However, I am also trying my best to use my brain and not my heart and see that I am not seeing any actions with his words. I do agree though that the things he says messes with my brain and makes me have 2nd thoughts about going through with the divorce.

[Sara]

Sara,

He needs to man up and face OW. If she hits him he can call the police and file a report. But what kind of man is that scared of getting hit by a woman?

If he is serious about getting your marriage back on track, then the two of you need to do serious work to rebuild what has been destroyed. You can find help at a Retrouvaille weekend. Check the website, http://www.helpourmarriage.org for places and dates. There are a lot of weekends coming up in June and July, so now is the time to book it. You can read some about Retrouvaille on my thread, Sara's Place, and if you search under retrouvaille in the history on this website. In the meantime, make your husband work for you. Do not give in easily. Check out SallyM's thread for how she is dealing were her sorry H. People don't value anything they get with little effort. So don't let him just come home and everything goes back to the way it was before. A weekend at Retrouvaille will teach you both how to value your relationship and take care of it. It is the turning point where the bad in the relationship ends, and the good begins. There are follow-up or post sessions that continue to build on what you learned over the weekend. Retrouvaille has a very high success rate of healing marriages. If you do want this marriage, don't drag your feet.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

How am I NOT taking a stand with him? As long as he is with the OW, I out right refuse to be in the same house as him. If he comes in, I leave and sleep at my parents, because I refuse to be around him while he is having an affair. I haven't seen him in person since Tuesday when all of this happened. I have talked to a lawyer and have all what is needed on "stand-by." I just need to pay her the money to make it happen.

I am not answering all of his phone calls. I am making things as difficult for him as I legally can, and I am moving forward with my life.

I know that he is morally weak, but I also know that he is an ordained minister and knows better. If he would just get back on track with God, things would so totally be different.

I don't know if I fall for what he says 100%. I do believe that he still loves me. And I think the things he is saying is truly his heart. However, I am also trying my best to use my brain and not my heart and see that I am not seeing any actions with his words. I do agree though that the things he says messes with my brain and makes me have 2nd thoughts about going through with the divorce.

Sara,

I was basing that on this that you said:

H is still messing with my mind. He called me today and told me that he can't see himself with the OW. He knows that their relationship isn't going to make it, but he is literally scared to end it with her. He thinks she is going to beat him up (and since I have now actually seen the woman...yeah...she is an amazon! She would cause him major harm). He is trying to wait for the right time to end it for her so that she doesn't hurt him physically. I tell you....this life is insane.

I actually feel like I talked to my "husband" on the phone. The man I married 5 years ago today. He was crying and telling me that he thinks something is mentally wrong with him and that he wants to get help for himself. He says that he just wants things in his life back to normal without all of the drama that she causes.

Yet....he is still with her. He sends me TMs saying that he loves me and that he is so sorry for everything he has done. But still he is with her.

You should not even entertain conversations like this with your husband. Yes, your WORDS to him are "You're not welcome here (physically or emotionally) so long as you are having an affair," but your ACTIONS -- your friendship, support (including financial) and willingness to be his shoulder to lean on -- all scream "I'm here for you, regardless."

That's the stand I think is holding him back from making the critical decisions he needs to make right now. Yes, you've scaled it way, way back, but an addict can learn to ratchet down their needs amazingly low in order to NOT have to give up their addiction(s). Until ALL support is withdrawn from him, I don't see him making the choice.

I could be wrong.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

How am I NOT taking a stand with him? As long as he is with the OW, I out right refuse to be in the same house as him. If he comes in, I leave and sleep at my parents, because I refuse to be around him while he is having an affair. I haven't seen him in person since Tuesday when all of this happened. I have talked to a lawyer and have all what is needed on "stand-by." I just need to pay her the money to make it happen.

I am not answering all of his phone calls. I am making things as difficult for him as I legally can, and I am moving forward with my life.

I know that he is morally weak, but I also know that he is an ordained minister and knows better. If he would just get back on track with God, things would so totally be different.

I don't know if I fall for what he says 100%. I do believe that he still loves me. And I think the things he is saying is truly his heart. However, I am also trying my best to use my brain and not my heart and see that I am not seeing any actions with his words. I do agree though that the things he says messes with my brain and makes me have 2nd thoughts about going through with the divorce.

Sara,

I was basing that on this that you said:

H is still messing with my mind. He called me today and told me that he can't see himself with the OW. He knows that their relationship isn't going to make it, but he is literally scared to end it with her. He thinks she is going to beat him up (and since I have now actually seen the woman...yeah...she is an amazon! She would cause him major harm). He is trying to wait for the right time to end it for her so that she doesn't hurt him physically. I tell you....this life is insane.

I actually feel like I talked to my "husband" on the phone. The man I married 5 years ago today. He was crying and telling me that he thinks something is mentally wrong with him and that he wants to get help for himself. He says that he just wants things in his life back to normal without all of the drama that she causes.

Yet....he is still with her. He sends me TMs saying that he loves me and that he is so sorry for everything he has done. But still he is with her.

You should not even entertain conversations like this with your husband. Yes, your WORDS to him are "You're not welcome here (physically or emotionally) so long as you are having an affair," but your ACTIONS -- your friendship, support (including financial) and willingness to be his shoulder to lean on -- all scream "I'm here for you, regardless."

That's the stand I think is holding him back from making the critical decisions he needs to make right now. Yes, you've scaled it way, way back, but an addict can learn to ratchet down their needs amazingly low in order to NOT have to give up their addiction(s). Until ALL support is withdrawn from him, I don't see him making the choice.

I could be wrong.

Puppy