Just a moment to air my thoughts: Do you guys ever feel those mixed emotions when you start at square one; the ones about how to go about it if/when you finally get to spend time with one another again. I thought to myself today, "I married this man and now I'm worried about even being face to face..." I guess I feel scared that I won't know what to say, how to say it, or am worried that I won't even know HOW to have fun with him and start at the "friendship stage". How do you do that? How do you go about playing the friend role when your still trying to figure out what went wrong with the spouse role? Just some thoughts, I would love feedback!
You are in a position that many pray for. Hopeful possibilities. I have wondered endlessly, what would I feel like if my W were to say, "Ok, lets work it out."
I have focused so much on reconciliation, now starting over again.
It might be hard, but when its meant to be, it will just fall into place. It may take some time.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
It does sound like things are moving along nicely for you. I wonder the same about how to be friends when you've got this whole spouse debacle hanging over your head. I guess that's where the whole detaching thing comes in, emotionally separate yourself from the R situation enough to be able to start a new friendship based on just that a new friendship. It's hard to put ourselves in the situation of "oh, here's a brand new person, I might be interested in being their friend" when it's the person you married that you know so much about. I think it has to be a little bit of friendship development and then a little bit of R work and back and forth until you've gotten to the point where the friendship is on solid ground and you can really start to look at the R and see if you can or even want to start back down that road. We're all here because we think we want to save our marriages, but in the end we can only know that later on when there is the possibility of really having an R again and the person we are and the person they are make sense together and can/want to be in a R again.
So long story short, just try to take it one step at a time, one baby step at a time, and enjoy right now, be good to yourself, try to get to know the person that your H has become and introduce him to the person you've become.
Good luck with these next days, it's going well, just keep telling yourself, "slow and easy" and you'll land right where you want.
Just the advice I needed. You both expressed it very well. I'm glad I'm not the odd person out here feeling weird when maybe it's supposed to come easier. I guess that scared me a little. Like DB and DR says, "its not going to be easy". But I believe if I do this, really do this for myself as well as for the R, it will be good no matter what. I am finding the more I make of my own life, the more I realize it's not my spouse that I need to "convince" that I'm worth it, its ME having to convince myself! Its a work in progress. I'm glad you are all here with me.
Okay guys, does this count as "initiating" contact? I had to send a one line email to H requesting that he be on the lookout for a bus pass I just purchased online. I had to give them an in-state address to purchase the pass so I just emailed him to ask him to set it aside should it come for me in the mail. I SWEAR, that's all it was; strictly business. You have to know my H, he would see something like that and throw it away, it's $45.00! Hope I didn't mess anything up. Maybe I should've posted first? Didn't really count that one.
BACK TO DB BOOT CAMP FOR ME!Good news: H calls me, sounds excited to talk to me. Bad news: Why am I picking up the phone? I should be making him wait!!!
Okay, so this is going to be MUCH harder than I anticipated. H got my email via his high tech cell phone and called me. Yes, I saw his number come up and couldn't resist. I know, I should've made him wait a couple of days. I'll know better next time! I even tried to get off the phone first and he didn't hear me say "well, I'll let you go" and before I knew it, he was saying it to ME. No! That's not how this is supposed to be. Okay deeeep breaths, deeeeep breaths. Well, other than all that, H just wanted to let me know he would be happy to meet up with me on the infamous June 2nd and that I "should've called" him to tell him I needed transportation. He even commented to me "I never get out to do anything, I won't have any plans..." Not really sure how to take it all. It was weird but he was friendly. To my credit...I did not say "I love you". I refrained! So at least I get kudos for that right? Let me have it...
Hi guys. Things not going too well. H and I interacted over the weekend and Monday and it was ok but I am starting to struggle with some bad feelings toward him. I keep trying to keep in mind his MLC and it's effect on his behavior but I really got bummed when H started talking about a vacation he wanted to take (all while our house goes into foreclosure). He is constantly spending money while I'm living with my Mom to try and get back on my feet. I can deal with that but the big prob. over the wknd. was when I had to tell H that I had taken his flight benefits away. (I'm a flight attendant and he got to fly for free). I hadn't done it for revenge or anything; it's just that I figured we were apart and I felt a little devalued as if he wanted my benefits but not me. Anyway, I never thought he'd need them but he brings up this vacation idea (that didn't include me) and I had to break the news to him. I can't give them back for over a year b/c I gave them to someone else; but I guess the part that bugged me was that H kind of had an entitlement thing going on with the benefits. It was as if I was supposed to (and he asked me why I didn't) CHECK with him first! I feel so de-valued. I just don't know what to do here. I was really good about interacting with him on a friendship level during my stay. (He let me sleep in the bed and he slept on the couch); but I'm just getting really frustrated. I want to WANT him, but things like this make it tough. I hadn't expected to have to even deal with this so I wasn't prepared when the subject came up. What now? H and I said nice goodbye's before I left and I texted him to say I was "home safe". Now I just have to sit here with my negative feelings. He kind of laid a guilt trip on me too; saying "My Mom and I were planning on celebrating my grandfathers 80th b/day in Germany, now I can't go..." Stuff like that (his extended fam. lives in Europe). It sucks to feel like "gee, I'm good for flight benefits but that's it!". Know what I mean? How do I handle this?
Update: H has called me to tell me about a possible job opportunity for a civilian position in Iraq. Wants to know if I'll take care of our three dogs for him in the FORECLOSING house which he still is in denial about (he is convinced he's keeping it/foreclosure scammers have gotten him believing this)...anyway. What a day. In his search for a new job he is now hoping I'll move back into the house if he has to be gone for a year in Iraq of all places. I told him we'd have to play it by ear, I don't have the heart to tell him what a crazy idea this is not to mention that the house is going to be soon not ours. I am getting ready to sign a lease for a new apartment next month. With my flight attendant job I can't take care of three dogs and a house by myself; even if he'll "be paying the mortgage"; I could never trust him to do that, not right now. Too much healing to be done and it's not as if we are even close to being back together. I know probably none of this makes sense to you guys; just trying to figure things out. Good news is: H apologized for the way he acted about the flight benefits.I'm hoping he's sincere so I'll "act as if" he is...waiting for some wisdom from God. I sure as heck feel like my head is spinning right now.
You're doing fine. I think what you need to do regarding watching the dogs in the house while he is in Iraq is use four words:
"I'm sorry, I can't."
He is not pursuing you now; he is running to the Middle East. So you need to run west (figuritively). That means you do not commit anything to him. And that includes moving into your marital home to watch his house for him.
I would also suggest not making plans to move back to his town because he is just taking for granted that you'll eventually be back and he'll eventually see you again.
I believe there needs to be created a feeling of potential loss that he may never see you again.
Tell him you thought about the dog and house offer and that you are "Sorry, I can't." and that you actually decided you are going to stay in the town you are in and not move back there after all.
