So, I sent the email with my divorce settlement proposal to STBX this morning(with a few minor tweaks). He got home about an hour ago from his conference, this is the first time I have seen him in a week (I had surgery and spent the week recovering at my parents'). He couldn't look at me w/o crying, asked to just sit and watch TV with me. I agreed, he asked how my surgery was etc, etc. He proceeded to tell me about how he regrets not talking to me about his issues, regrets being such a horrible husband, regrets taking for granted all the things that I did for him, and cried about how he doesn't know what he wants. He had two really wonderful things happen (he received 5 nominations for a big-deal recognition in his industry, and was invited for a job interview at a super big-deal company) but said that this past week was horrible for him. We talked for a while, I told him I appreciated his apologies, and I talked about some of the ways that I also fell short in our marriage. He talked about how all he wanted was to cuddle with me because I was the only one he could talk to about this and the only one who could make it better. He also apologized for dumping on me while I am sick. As I was walking upstairs, he asked me if I thought it was too late to try to fix our marriage. I stopped, thought for a moment, I told him that that we would have a lot of issues to deal with, but then stopped and said that I think our marriage is dead, but whether we could make something better to take its place, I don't know.
I am so thankful for having found DB! Two months ago this would have been all I needed to hear to tearfully take him back. I am still open to reconciliation, but I'm not going to rush into anything, and I refuse to go back to the way that things were. My suspicion is that he'll be back to his WAS fog soon enough, so I'm not putting much weight on what he said tonight. When I gave him a hug his t-shirt even smelled like someone else's fabric softener, OW #1 obviously washed it for him. It was gratifying to hear him say so many of the things that I have been thinking, and it was even better to be able to hear it and have enough emotional distance to understand that it was probably only a temporary moment of clarity for him.
