Following is a draft of an email that I am considering sending to STBX. He and I are both still living in our house right now, we agreed that he could ultimately keep it but have been unable to agree about how that would work. I had surgery on Monday, I was at my parents' all week, and while I was gone STBX got busted by a neighbor with one of the OW at the house during the day (he knows she called me). He screamed at me over the phone but then acted contrite the next day, so between pity due to the surgery and him feeling bad about being an a$$ to me I'm thinking I should strike while the iron is hot. I tend to be way too wordy, please help me clean this up and let me know what I might want to change. I am currently leaving out any mention of how much a lawyered-up D would cost him (he makes 4x what I do) or any mention of me being entitled to half of the value of the Harley that he so conveniently signed over to his dad 2 days after he dropped "the bomb" on me (both would piss him off but may need to be said at a later point if he balks). Thank you and sorry in advance for the long post!
"I would like to set up a time to have a discussion with you about how we are going to handle the remainder of our split. After the events of this week I think that it would be in both of our best interest to get things underway as soon as possible so that we can both get on with our lives with as little stress as possible. I'm sure you won't be happy with all of the following, but it gives a starting point for discussion. There are a couple of points where I think I have the beginnings of a solution that will satisfy both of us.
House - we haven't talked about this much since I found out that I am on the mortgage. I would be willing to sign a quit claim (meaning I no longer have any legal claim to the house whatsoever) and give you as long as one year after the divorce is finalized in which to refinance the mortgage/home equity, in exchange for you giving me $XXXX to buy a townhouse/co-op share. I am assuming that you still want to keep the house at this point; me remaining on the mortgage is of course a large liability for me, but I am willing to be flexible about the time frame for you to refinance after the divorce is finalized. That way you would have more than adequate time to take care of the refi, and you would not need to worry about me having any claim to the house in the meantime.
Alimony/401(k)/student loan - I know you were unhappy about the idea about paying alimony; what I am suggesting is that I waive all claim to alimony or your 401(k) in exchange for you taking on my student loan debt (about $XXXX). The student loans that I have left were taken out while we were living together, and paid for our living expenses during that time, along with part of my engagement ring. You could do a QDRO from your 401(k) to transfer money to me without you incurring any IRS penalties, or do a personal loan, credit card, refi your car, or handle that however you see fit.
Credit card debt/my car - Once the initial $XXXX is transferred to your card I should be able to refinance my car into my name only, and would be willing to give extra time for you to cover the remaining amount on XX credit card(possibly 6mos-1yr to transfer the debt into your name or pay it off). Me moving my car into my name will also make it easier for you to refinance the house, since your budget will look better.
Collection from his dog needing emergency treatment - with everything else worked out I would be willing to leave this with arrangements for you to pay them $50 a month directly until it is paid off. Since this would probably be about 2 years this would be a liability for me but if we can come to an agreement on everything else I am willing to take that as good faith that this debt will be paid as agreed.
The net result of this would be that I would have no further claim on the house or on your finances, and I would be out of the house months earlier than what I am going to be able to manage otherwise. I'm sure that there are things that will need to be changed and discussed, but I think that this addresses the two biggest concerns that you had communicated to me, being worried about me coming back and demanding something on the house, and it means that you would not be obligated to pay any alimony."
It sounds as if you've got it covered. Someone has to start someplace and you'll never know unless you try. ( I like the idea of striking while he has some remorse, nice touch} Nothing that you've listed seems inreasonable so go for it..........
Yeah - I wouldn't float a settlement agreement until you've gotten some legal advice. Make sure you're not giving him more than he's entitled to.
And frankly - it concerns me that there are so many items that you're willing to give him time after the divorce to take care of. I'm not divorced but I think many people here have had problems with items that were left for after the divorce. Try to get everything settled BEFORE the divorce is final - you have no leverage after.
Thanks for taking the time to read through all that! I am definitely concerned about giving him so much time to handle everything, but if I push *too* hard he might decide to sell the house (which would likely be at a loss right now) and he will either need to tap into his 401(k) or refinance the house to manage this deal, so the longer time frame may not even get used.
On the upside for him it would get him sole use of the house without me here, and he's free to entertain whomever he chooses in the house right away, rather than having to agree to ground rules (ie OW and her 3 kids can't move in) for between now and when he refinances. He knows now that with nosy small town neighbors, he won't be able to get away with much, so having me out w/o strings will appeal to him. He was only interested in paying 1yr of alimony but was adamant about it not being written into the divorce (riiight, like I'm going to agree to that!) so this would get around that issue while making both of us happy. On the upside for me, it gets me into a new home soon, gets me financially secure, and gets me out of regular contact with him and his nasty emotional outbursts.
My L had actually suggested I bring it up, of course I will not sign anything until I have had her review it, but if we can agree on everything it makes the D simpler and quicker (and therefore much cheaper) than using L's and a mediator.
