Help! New to this...still hoping for R

[Rusty]

I have just discovered DB and am sick that I didn't find it sooner. H left me in 12/05, then in 12/06 wanted to date and "see where things go". After a few months, I thought things were going great and pushed to have him come home. His apartment rent was up in August and I didn't want to continue spending the money on it. The pushing, of course, didn't work and drove him away. I think he has started seeing someone but don't know for sure. I have done all the wrong things, cried, begged, screamed, yelled, guilted, everything I could think of, which of course, he found pathetic. I read DB and decided to try the 180, which is soooooo hard for me. I am being friendly, non-confrontational, and haven't called except for child related issues. I always end the conversation - "have to go", etc. I just don't know if it is too late or not. He probably will never file for D, it will be up to me, he is a procrastinator and unless there is a really big reason, he just won't. No money, no urgency, etc. Is there hope??? What do I do, he seems to be so content without us and pleased to be on his own without any responsibilities. How do I make him miss us and realize how important family and marriage are? I hate this so much. I have prayed and read and cried, it has just been such a long time! Any thoughts would be helpful!
Lynn

[sandi2]

Hi Rusty, you have come to the right place. People here will support you and try to help you if you will listen. Here is a list that I copied from another poster, but it is all in the DR book and it just kind of sums up the do's and don'ts to work on. I think maybe if you gave him a lot of space and time right now and not find any excuses to call, email, text, go see him in person....any of that, it may be a good start. How can he miss you if you are always trying to get his attention? Anyway....here's the list that you can work on and then we can talk again.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes

[Rusty]

Sandi - thank you so much! I am really trying to do and be all those things, I just worry so much that it is too late. I really look at our "real" separation as beginning after we "dated", so 10 months ago. But he says he has been separating from me for a very long time. I wasn't the best spouse and took alot of granted - always had the control and upper hand, so this is very unfamiliar. I love the part about believing what I hear and see. I don't believe for a minute that he doesn't love me - I think he is just scared to trust again, as I have been very mean and controlling in the past. But I really know that I have changed and continue to change, I just don't know how to prove it. Thanks you so much for the info - I will copy and paste it in my "goals" sheet. Which is getting me through right now. That - and my prayers. I am really focusing on my career right now and trying to stay busy in that area. I know I sound so needy, but I really appreciate you replying!

[Tia]

I love this list!

Thanks for sharing,
/Tia

[sandi2]

Hi Rusty, it's okay to let your feelings out of us. However, to him, he doesn't need to see you being needy. It will take time to convince him that you have changed b/c he will think it is a trick to get him back. So, you must have tons and tons of patients. Just keep DBing b/c that is the best way. If he is not convinced and moves on, then you will know that you did everything to improve yourself and in the end...you will be that...a much better person. Then the goal is to remain that improved person. If he does come home, you will be tested to not fall back into your old patterns.....so this is for your benefit as well.

Good luck and keep posting.

Sandi

[Rusty]

Thanks Sandi - it just seems like it has been so long and my pattern has been so destructive. I know he thinks everything I do is a trick to get him to come back, because that is almost always what I was doing. We are supposed to talk this week about the D and all the issues involved - it is so very complicated. He owns a business with my father. I don't know whether I should encourage the talk and act like I'm all for it or if I should fight like hell! If I wanted to do more of the same, that would be it. I just don't know how to handle it all. I am so angry with him for doing this to us. Financially things were just starting to look up and now with two households, etc. we have nothing! My oldest son is getting married in June, which has really been hard. All the feelings of a major family event having to be spoiled by our issues - where to sit, how to take pictures, gifts, rehersal dinner - it never ends! Anyone who has been through all that??? Patience has never been my virtue, but I am sure going to keep trying. But what does anyone think about the D talk???

[Just Beau]

Wow,that list is pure gold.

As for D talks,let him initiate,and stay calm.Let him lead a conversation.If you've been controlling or manipulative,then any sign of you trying to steer the conversation your way will just be seen by him as more of the same.

Sit back,and let him express himself.

[Rusty]

Thanks so much! I guess I won't set the day or time and see if he initiates the talk. I told him I wanted to get it all cleared up, mostly because I am afraid of what he can do to me regarding the business interest, which could be very lucrative. I do believe he wants to take care of me, but I don't want OW to have any claim on it, due to the fact that all the money invested was mine and my dad's. I think I need to have something in writing to protect me and my kids. He really has been very stand-offish since we ML last week, like he feels like he cheated on someone else. I'm his wife, how can he cheat with me?? I am playing it really cool and aloof, but I don't know if he even notices. Good idea - I will back off and let him lead, although I don't want to lose anything in the process. What do you think??

[Rusty]

Has anyone else had a similar sich where the finances and family business is so entwined?? I feel like this will never get better and we will always have to fight about money and business interests. And I am so angry about that. We worked so hard to get to the place where we could actually, maybe put some money away, take a trip or two and now he has decided to end it and we will never reap the benefits of the seeds we sowed together! It is hard to DB when you are so angry and there is such a big connection that you don't want to lose - the business.

[Brandon Kirk]

I feel you Rusty. Actually I have a theory on this. There should only be 4 important things in anyone's life. Those 4 things are family/friends, career, health, and spirtual growth. The secret of life in my opinion is that life and true happiness comes through giving, which happens to be in those four categories. Everything you own like money, assets, education are used to help you give to those four things. When you negect one of those things, potentially you are neglecting all three. When one suffers it can damage the other 3. If you work on one you actually help the other 3. If you are doing anything that doesn't benefit those 4 things I would liken it to sin or cancer. So no, it doesn't surprise me that if you are having trouble with your family it is effecting your business. My advice would be to start eating more healthy, exercise and give time to your spouse and kids. These things will help your spirtual growth, but you could also voluteer one evening to help the local food shelter or church.