How on earth do you people do it? I'm dreading him leaving Monday ,and at the same time feel like it might be my only chance. I need to stop crying, reasoning, pointing out all the good. Last night he said all I do is lay the guilt on him, and he's sick of it.
What I said was "I'm sorry, I don't intend that with what I say" but what I WANTED to yell was... "YEAH, fell guilty you BASTARD, and look at what the hell you are doing. This is not all about YOU. Look at these girls, look at me."
How can he say he has 80% of everything he has ever wanted, and HAD 100%, yet it's just not going to happen.
I'm getting to the mad stage now, and I don't like it. On one hand I think it will make it easier for me to detach, but on the other hand I'm scared I'm going to get to a point that if he comes back ready to try, I'm going to be so hurt by everything he has done, that I will then be done.
I can't imagine it, but I can't imagine ANY of what is happening right now.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Ok Chris, you DID write him a letter asking him to leave...right? You did that for YOU, right? Look at this as a chance for you and your girls to be out of the the tense situation....and a chance for your H to see that the grass isn't greener.
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But he still just gets stuck on that "but I don't love you, and I never will again". To which (again, bigtime DB flunky here) said....... you know, you didn't love me the moment we met. We dated, we had experiences, we got to know each other, we had fun, and through those positive interactions, love grew. How can you be so sure that by us working to have those times again.
You are still trying to convince him. You can't. He has to figure it out on his own. I know that is hard to grasp....but you have to. You have to quit saying these things to him.
I think you just have to look at this as something he has to do. He has to figure it out on his own. Since my H has come back he has said how he thought the grass was greener and all that but he soon realized it wasn't. He has said that he didn't realize how good he had it until he was gone. I think it is much better for him to realize that on his own and to KNOW it for himself. If he had just stayed because I convinced him or guilted him into it....he probably still would have always wondered.
Hang in there. What have you done for yourself lately??
I need to stop crying, reasoning, pointing out all the good.
Yes, you do. It is not working, so quit doing it.
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Last night he said all I do is lay the guilt on him, and he's sick of it.
I am gonna have to agree that you are trying to make him feel guilty. This only pushes him away. Besides....you don't want him to stay out of guilt do you?
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I'm getting to the mad stage now, and I don't like it.
I didn't like that stage either, but I think we all go through it at some point. Just find a healty way to release it such as exercising...don't take it out on him. I know you think he deserves it...and maybe he does....but I don't think that will help your marriage. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Let him go and let him miss you.
You are so right. And I feel like a total idiot that I hear all these things, read Michele's books and yet I'm a total failure at putting them into practice.
I'm trying to figure out if I should just at this point go totally dark when he leaves? Thoughts?
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
1) Get through the next 5 days before separation with no more R talk with H, or laying guilt 2) Line up some extra fun things to do next week with the girls(first week for girls without Daddy home) 3) Continue to focus on girls and house projects 4) Start checking into schooling options for new career 5) Start researching Day Care options for Fall for D2 6) Invite some people over next weekend. I haven't done that in 2 months, and once he's gone, I feel like I need to feel at home here again.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Don't feel like an idiot. It is easy for me to say all that now, trust me I fell off the wagon plenty of times.
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I'm trying to figure out if I should just at this point go totally dark when he leaves?
I think you should let him initiate contact. I think he will because he will definitely be missing his girls. If you contact him, you aren't letting him miss you.
I think those are good goals. No more R talks. They don't do any good right now and they are emotionally draining for both of you.
I'm getting to the mad stage now, and I don't like it. On one hand I think it will make it easier for me to detach, but on the other hand I'm scared I'm going to get to a point that if he comes back ready to try, I'm going to be so hurt by everything he has done, that I will then be done.
I can't imagine it, but I can't imagine ANY of what is happening right now.
Chris
Chris....you need to prepare yourself for that happening. It's happened to me. Sort of. What I mean by that is that my H hasn't come back wanting to work things out but I have wiped my hands of him and have no desire to put our marriage back together. I just can't. The trust is gone. The hurt was far too deep. I'm not really angry anymore, just indifferent. I have even started dating! I'm not looking for a relationship but I am interested in meeting new people and dating. If you read some of my threads from a couple months ago I felt like what I am doing now and how I'm feeling now was completely IMPOSSIBLE! But I am...and truth be told, I'm alot happier now than I have been in years! This is why I have stopped posting. I'm just done. Neither of us are filing b/c of financial reasons but we both know it will come eventually. Just today I contacted him to get his dresser out of our bedroom so I could put my bookshelf in there. I painted the spare room (where he used to keep most of his stuff) PINK!!! lol It's going to be my new scrapbook/craft room. It was a HUGE step for me and really healing.
Last edited by shatteredheart31; 06/12/0807:42 PM.
Me=31 H=36 D=4 H dropped bomb and moved out=4/17/08, living with his mother 50 minutes away from home and work.
Chris....you need to prepare yourself for that happening. It's happened to me. Sort of. What I mean by that is that my H hasn't come back wanting to work things out but I have wiped my hands of him and have no desire to put our marriage back together.
WOW. That is scary. Our bombs were dropped so closly (mine a few weeks before yours) and I'm NO where near there. I can't imagine. I'm still in desperation and frantic stage. I think I've stalled where others seem to get there stuff together.
I'm still just a mess over it all, and still somewhat in denial that this is really going to happen, even though all roads are leading there as of now.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Chris....you need to prepare yourself for that happening. It's happened to me. Sort of. What I mean by that is that my H hasn't come back wanting to work things out but I have wiped my hands of him and have no desire to put our marriage back together.
WOW. That is scary. Our bombs were dropped so closly (mine a few weeks before yours) and I'm NO where near there. I can't imagine. I'm still in desperation and frantic stage. I think I've stalled where others seem to get there stuff together.
I'm still just a mess over it all, and still somewhat in denial that this is really going to happen, even though all roads are leading there as of now.
Chris
We all progress differently. No one person is the same. I just wanted you to be warned that it could happen. I, like you, never imagined I'd feel this way but I do. Where we are different is that my H moved out right away. There has been very limited contact with us (mostly my doing) and I think that really pushed me to make progress. It gave me alot of time to think and sort things out and I came to my conclusion. Your conclusion could be completely different and I hope it is since you so desperately want to keep your family together. I have been following your thread via email notices and I really feel for you. You have my full support and I hope in time things will work out for you the way you want them to. ((Hugs))
Me=31 H=36 D=4 H dropped bomb and moved out=4/17/08, living with his mother 50 minutes away from home and work.
Well, people react differently. I for one never did wipe my hands of H. I always had the desire to reconcile even after I had moved on. I thought finding out that he was living with OW sealed the deal for me....but I am seeing that I can forgive a lot more than I ever thought I could.
I always left that door open and I think it is way too soon for you to shut it Chris. The easy thing to do would be to shut it, but no one said this was easy. In fact, it is probably the hardest thing most of us have done.
One thing I did kind of get used to was being by myself though. Embrace that time to yourself. You have no one to answer to and can do everything on your schedule. You have no one to worry about right now except you and your daughters. Try to find the positives in this separation. I still stand by the statement that if my H and I had never separated then we would be D today. I beleive that 100%. This CAN be a good thing for you.
I was a mess for a long time. In complete shock and denial. This takes time Chris, but I think once your H moves out you will be able to detach yourself from the situation.
Hang in there, this can be a long road. My H were separated for 4 months before he showed ANY kind of turn around....and that is just a drop in the bucket compared to some.
