So tonight I can't sleep. Not yet anyway, my wife is spending the night at her new guy's house. It sucks that I know that, but it is worse that I have played a role in getting her there and have given her my "blessing" in an effort to giver her the freedom & space she needs to gain some perspective on our R. It started out tonight that she was just going to dinner with a "person" and would be home later. I get a text at like 9 that says she will be home early in the AM and not to worry. I have to remind myself that if we could afford it, we would be living separate from each other and I would not be aware of any of this. Each time I try to sleep my heart rate speeds up and I picture them cuddled up in bed post sex & probably gonna have some AM sex too. Meanwhile I have needs too. I want to feel wanted & desired and attractive too. I started looking around online to meet someone but seems lame & I am not looking to have sex, but someone to share time with and that makes me feel good. It's not because the W is doing it that I want it too, it is more like I deserve it just as much. So it is just a weird time right now. My head is spinning about all this. My conflict is that I am really truly doing good with focusing on me and feeling good about all that. I have not felt this good in years. At the same time I feel like my W is blinded by the new dude & does not really see me in this positive light. We have had some really deep real healthy conversations lately. In fact she came forward to tell me about OM1 and that their on again off again affair has been going on for 4+ years. I had a feeling, investigated, confirmed, told his wife & stopped it. Turns out my W was so relieved b/c she had wanted to end it but did not really know how to. She does not know I played any role in that ending, but thankful none the less. She also disclosed that she has been seeing OM2 and thought I should know. Which I already did know. I have accepted all of the others and have been more hurt by the lies about it all. Especially since I gave her many opps to tell me without fear of judgement or anger. If felt really good and real to have the honesty about all of this. I felt bad not being able to disclose my envolvment with exposing the A w/OM1. Maybe one day if it fits I will tell her. I have decided that since I confirmed my gut feelings about the OMs that now I can stop recording in her car. So that feels good too. I just can't seem to get past the knowledge I do have. So it's a double edged sword I get to deal with. I am still confident that we will reconcile & make this work so we are both happy. Not sure when. I do know that she has noticed some changes. She has even initiated lunch, coffee, and movies. So that has felt pretty good. I did not read into this too much, but took the positive from it. Now I just want to really try to work on GAL and being the best man i can be for me and hope it flows over into the rest of my life as a husband, and father. Thanks for reading mostly venting since I really can't go anywhere with most of this entry. I am really trying to be a good friend at this point. Hell I even moved all her stuff into the guest room where she is sleeping so she doesn't have to use "our" closet anymore. I fear I am being too nice. For example today before her date she wanted to see our kids for a bit. So I went out of my way to pick them up from day care & bring them to her office for a bit. I struggle with being nice and making her realize what she is doing has consequences and maybe she has to go a day w/o seeing the kids if she chooses to have overnight dates. I keep reading this article: http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_while_spouse_decides.htm to get motivation. Still not easy tho. Alright I really think I am done now. Maybe I can sleep now that I got this out!
ME 33 W 37 Together 8 M: 5+ disconnected: 5 D: 2 D: 3
Yes, you are being too nice I have to agree! I do that as well though--I am too nice after my H has treated me horribly and continues to do so. It's against my nature to not be nice to anyone, but I think some of our spouses see being nice as weakness (well mine does anyway), so I am trying to be more dark and detached and not as nice, nice, nice to him!!! I was the one (my worst moment ever!) that stayed up half the night washing my H's laundry for a weekend trip with the OW a few months ago!!! That was horrible and I would never do that again!!! But just shows I get the award for the worst at that (a dubious honor of course)!!! Karen
btw, there's nothing that says you can't go to your wife and say "Wife, I've changed my mind about us dating other people while we are separated. That was foolish of me to say that -- we are still married, and I would very much like you to honor your marriage vows until such time as we are divorced, and I, of course, will do the same. Will you please end your affair with him, and come back and work on our marriage?"
Have you reconsidered your position? You've unilaterally disarmed, and your wife (and her boyfriends) are NOT going to "play fair." There's only one person here who is motivated to fight for your marriage right now, and that's YOU. When are you going to do it??
Puppy, I was wondering about that too! I mean if that's how you feel DMP, then it seems like a good idea to communicate that, I agree with Puppy! Karen
It's really a basic, honest, straightforward approach: "I've been thinking, and I've changed my mind." Hey, don't you WOMEN do that all the time, and tell US MEN you're allowed to???
I'm continually perplexed by betrayed spouses that I encounter on the message boards that pacificistally hold fast to their "But I promised her I wouldn't snoop again," or "I told him he could date other women," or "I promised her I wouldn't tell her family about her affair" positions.
Fighting an affair is like fighting terrorists: they don't play fair, and they don't follow the rules. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with saying "I am NOT okay with you dating other men/women" -- even when you've already said you were.
I have not told her I am not okay with her seeing others. Mainly because I know she is nowhere near happiness with me. She feels liberated. I will stop being so nice & accomodating for her. I think if I told her I have changed my mind on her seeing others she would basically say FU and do it anyway. So for now I will leave it alone. No help it along, but stay out of it. I still need to really work on myself. Growing a set & having a life of my own. When the time comes, when I see improvments with us I will tell her how it is going to be if we are to work out. No other men, honesty and open about everything. I really just don't see us there yet. So telling her I changed my mind really would not help anything...I think it would make the sitc worse at this point. Thanks all!
ME 33 W 37 Together 8 M: 5+ disconnected: 5 D: 2 D: 3
I have not told her I am not okay with her seeing others. Mainly because I know she is nowhere near happiness with me. She feels liberated. I will stop being so nice & accomodating for her. I think if I told her I have changed my mind on her seeing others she would basically say FU and do it anyway.
I don't know; she may say FU which in my opinion she is kind of doing everyday with her actions, so would that make that much of a difference? And then she can't justify her behaviors by saying you are OK with them, esp. if you are not ok with them. She also might agree not to see others, or maybe it would be something that she would do in time. But at least you are making clear your boundaries and I think that is something that she will have more respect for you (even if she doesn't like it). And you may have more self-respect too. (I didn't feel good about myself anyway when I was being a doormat.) Just my 2 cents anyway and you know what that's worth!!! Karen
Thanks Karen...it's just all weird. In some ways I am okay with this sitc in others I am not. More than anything I feel pretty confused. I have accepted most of this as where we are for now. I know that does not make it all okay, but I want her to get perspective & realize that D is a bad option. I think part of this is she is going thru MLC now. She is being selfish and thinks she has done things to help our R. If she looks in the mirror I don't think she has. I think I need to do some soul searching on this to figure out exactly where I am with this.
ME 33 W 37 Together 8 M: 5+ disconnected: 5 D: 2 D: 3
I do that as well though--I am too nice after my H has treated me horribly and continues to do so. It's against my nature to not be nice to anyone, but I think some of our spouses see being nice as weakness (well mine does anyway), so I am trying to be more dark and detached and not as nice, nice, nice to him!!! I was the one (my worst moment ever!) that stayed up half the night washing my H's laundry for a weekend trip with the OW a few months ago!!! That was horrible and I would never do that again!!! But just shows I get the award for the worst at that (a dubious honor of course)!!! 
Karen