A quick sitch review: I am in the process of separating. My wife and I sold our house (had planned on doing that anyways) and split the proceeds. She took her half and put a down payment on something she calls "our" house and I am moving inot a rental home of a friend of ours. The separation is her choice, not mine. She never wants to talk about the R (says I smother her when we talk about it). We get along great, she says she needs her space. We have almost 3 years old twins who we plan to trade off every week.
She sends some very confusing signals. She involved me in the selecting of the house, has involved me in the selection of the furniture for the living room and the kids rooms (she wanted to get new stuff), etc. The confusing part to me is; She is asking me to make decisions in a life that she has effectively told me she doesn't want me to be a part of???? She also has all these ideas to upgrade "our" house (with a patio, hot tub, new appliances, wood floors) which she doesn't have the money for. Right now she is cash poor (having made the down payment on the house I have no legal right to) and I still have my proceeds from the sale of our home (because I am renting a home)
Also we moved to another state so it looks like we will be in this for a while if it doesn't work out (1 year to meet residencing requirements to file for D, and the state has a 1 year waiting period following filing when children are involved)
I have tried to be a good friend to her, helping with the move (despite the advice of many of her friends and family who suggested that I really show her what being alone is really like....to give her enough space to choke on). Last week she spent one week alone while I took the kids on a trip. IN that week she only spent one night alone and didn't like it at all.
The latest is she wants me to pay for half of the furniture for the kids rooms that will be in her house. Her argument is that it is for the kids. My reply was, well if things don't work out are you going to pay for half of a nice fuirniture set for the kids at my house.
My feeling is that she is wanting me to invest in a life she doesn't want to be a part of. We have agreed to have equal time with the kids, yet I get the feeling she views her house as their home and that my house will just be some place they go for a week when they are not at their home....therefore it doesn't need to be as nice. My feeling is that I should provide just as nice a home for them as she does.
My ultimate goal, would be for us to work everything out and for me to invest my portion of the proceeds to pay for the furniture and do the other upgrades to "our" house as my part of the down payment. Any thoughts or advice is appreciated. I feel very torn between a desire to be her friend (and of course husband) and just using the technique of last resort (I may save that if she actually files, but give her little doses of it here and there). The part that makes this difficult, is she is just the type of person to cut her nose off to spite her face, which is pretty much what she is doing with this separation. She gets very defensive when her friends and family tell her she is making a mistake (not at my request).
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
The separation is her choice, not mine. She never wants to talk about the R (says I smother her when we talk about it). We get along great, she says she needs her space. We have almost 3 years old twins who we plan to trade off every week.
TwinDad, Similar situation here. W moved out (her choice) on 4/19. Wow, almost a month now! Our kids are a bit older, but we have also been trading weeks with them.
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The latest is she wants me to pay for half of the furniture for the kids rooms that will be in her house. Her argument is that it is for the kids. My reply was, well if things don't work out are you going to pay for half of a nice fuirniture set for the kids at my house.
Her choice to separate. Her choice to purchase the house. I wouldn't chip in to help furnish her home. Sounds like she is overextended and doesn't have the cash for the furniture. You have responsibility to keep your children fed, clothed and schooled, but she needs to experience the reality of maintaining her new home.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I got an e-mail from the W mid day saying how she didn't get anything done with the un packing of the house because the kids were un-doing everything that she tried to do. I actually got a little chuckle out of it. She then had an unpacking party with her friends which consisted of them sitting around looking at pictures and drinking. It will be interesting to see what gets done today.
Also the day before, she accused me of stashing money away somewhere and that her lawyer could find it. So last night I asked her if she really thought that way in a very calm tone and she said she had her suspicions. So I think I shocked her when I offered to pay to have her lawyer or whoever do the check. She seems to have trust issues with me and I figured this was a way to at least address one of them. The offer seemed to change her mood. The remainder of the night was pretty nice for us.
I stayed over again (in the guest room) but I asked her if she felt more comfortable when I am here than when she is alone and she said yes :-) Its progress I guess.....
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
In my opinion I think you are being taken advantage of in so many ways. I really think you need to detach more and let her discover what life is like when a couple is seperated. She has decided to leave your marriage and now she needs to see the consequences of this decision.
I know it's tough because of your Ds.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I do agree with, I feel like I am being taken advantage of and it is very difficult. The biggest problem I am having is that my W is so stubborn and defensive that she is just the type of person who would cut their own arm off just to show they could even if everyone in the world was telling her it was a bad idea.
I have been letting her wait a bit when responding and have been trying not to get my hopes up or really have any expecations and it seems to been having small noticeable changes. I think when I have the kids again, it will start to sink in again. I also haven't been initiating any contact. It seems the more I do this the more she is eager to contact me (even when I don't have the kids)
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
I'm a stubborn one too, or as my therapist called it, there is the "presence of dedicated perseverance". I like his wording.
We stubborns are difficult to work with. It's hell upon hell for me to admit that I'm wrong. And asking forgiveness is pure torture. Not saying that I don't do those things, but it likely takes more effort on my part. So, once I make a decision, I don't want to back down and I say I was wrong. Nor, would I take kindly to anyone telling me that I'm wrong. I think, she would need to hear from you (when the time is right), that you have done her wrong, and would like to see you two "work together" to make things better. I do much better when my husband admits that TOGETHER we need to make changes, rather than pointing the finger.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
If there is one thing I have learned, it is that patience is a virtue. I understand where you are coming from, and for you it is new and raw. I remember the first three months were the worst, and I couldn't get my head around the separation. Sometimes, though, the H/W just needs space and time to figure out how they feel. Don't give up, but do be good to yourself...that really helps.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
