Looks like I need to come back here once in a while. OM sent me a letter in the mail. He poured out his heart. Said he was going to work on getting my love and trust back, etc. I knew I had to respond and quickly. I loaded up messenger, found him, and told him that I am back with my H and this is why I want "no contact". He didn't know this until I said that. When I had broken up with him before I thought he woudln't try to get back with me if he thought I broke up with him because of who he was, not because I was working on my marriage. I told H that is what I did, too. We both thought that was best. But, I guess not. So, anyway, I told him the reason behind the "no contact" and he said he understood and as much as he wants to, he can't do anything about the fact that I want my H. He said that he won't do anything to jeopardize my chance to be happy in my marriage.
So, why am I here if everything turned out fine? Because, now I am stressed about having to tell my H about the letter. It would kill him to read it. I want to burn it. And, because now I am thinking about the OM. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Just let me have it...slam me with the "get your head outta ur butt"s.
Didi, No one will slam you. We all can see that you are working so hard to restore your marriage. You are right that you will have to tell your husband about the letter and the messenger conversation. Yes, It will hurt him, but it's not your fault. He would be more hurt if he found out you got the letter and were trying to hide it from him. For your marriage to work, you know that you will have to be totally transparent, I can see that is what you are trying to do. Although honesty sometimes hurt, it is definitely the best policy. Too bad there are not more WAS like you that are trying to do the right thing. I just know in my heart that your efforts will be rewarded...
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Thanks Yoyo. I am working hard, but it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. This is painful. I will hope that your heart is correct that "my efforts will be rewarded". I just want to be happy again. I'm tired of the headaches, and heartaches; and being the cause of people's heartaches.
Oh, I think it is best too. Let your H know about the letter and that you contacted OM but only to firmly state that you are with your H and that you want your M to work. No one will ever be mad at you for working on your marriage. If your H wants to read the letter let him but I suggest if he doesn't or after he has destroy it. You do not want it laying around at all. I am so proud of you. (((((hugs))))) kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Yoyo is right. We can all definitely see how hard you are trying, and just how committed you are to repairing your R with your H.
I think it was klm or Starshyne who suggested that you read "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. Please look into getting it or borrowing it from your library as soon as you possibly can.
I can understand your hesitancy in disclosing the letter and the details of your recent contact with OM. I know you don't want to hurt your H anymore than he already has been, but the pain and possible anger he might feel will only be temporary. The long-term effect will be to heal.
Here's a quote from the book:
Sharing the details is an act of positive demolition. The involved spouse dismantles the structure that kept the injured spouse outside in the cold and replaces deceit with hope.
Might I also suggest, that should OM contact you again, tell your H about it BEFORE you make any decision to talk, e-mail, IM, the OM. If you are totally open and honest with your H beforehand and including him in the decision on what to do about the sitch, you are showing him that you are really committed to making this work. You will score BIG points in rebuilding trust by doing this, by showing your H that you care about and respect his feelings.
Good luck to you.
(((((WDID)))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I echo everyone on here... you don't deserve any 2x4s from anyone! The only thing I would say you don't want to disclose to your H is that the contact has got you thinking about OM a lot again. Just tell us...
I bet H will like knowing (I know I would) about the very proactive and deliberate way you replied to OM...will reinforce the feeling that y'all are a team about this.
I also really like GF's advice about any future contact from OM. Again, rebuilding trust in the R with your H; instead of hiding it, you are coming to him for advice in dealing with it. Very empowering for H, i would think.
Sending enormous amounts of respect and hugs your way for working so hard to build a new R with H and your family.
I can understand your hesitancy in disclosing the letter and the details of your recent contact with OM. I know you don't want to hurt your H anymore than he already has been, but the pain and possible anger he might feel will only be temporary. The long-term effect will be to heal.
Might I also suggest, that should OM contact you again, tell your H about it BEFORE you make any decision to talk, e-mail, IM, the OM. If you are totally open and honest with your H beforehand and including him in the decision on what to do about the sitch, you are showing him that you are really committed to making this work. You will score BIG points in rebuilding trust by doing this, by showing your H that you care about and respect his feelings.
I agree. And it was best the OM knows that you are wanting to stay with H.
I like his response. That is a mans response. The kind of response that I wish my WW's chickensh** OM would give.
Not trying to be too harsh, but...
Get him the hell out of your mind. He didn't know you were wanting to get back with your H. He knows now. He's gonna forget about you now.
Now its your turn.
Blessings to you.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
WHATDIDIDO: So, why am I here if everything turned out fine? Because, now I am stressed about having to tell my H about the letter. It would kill him to read it. I want to burn it. And, because now I am thinking about the OM. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it
BURN IT AND FORGET ABOUT IT
you are going great, continue to downplay anything to do with OM and focus on what makes you and H happy
M45 W41 M10 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 Merry christmas to me PA confirmed 03/08 no sex yet ?? hoping !!! let me hope !! WHAMMO - W moving out June 1st - 18 days W is moving out and there is nothing I can do but wave goodbye I cannot control her everyone says detach, I say help her pack,
Might I also suggest, that should OM contact you again, tell your H about it BEFORE you make any decision to talk, e-mail, IM, the OM. If you are totally open and honest with your H beforehand and including him in the decision on what to do about the sitch, you are showing him that you are really committed to making this work. You will score BIG points in rebuilding trust by doing this, by showing your H that you care about and respect his feelings.
I just wanted to post that again so you would read it again. Let your H be a part of this. You can't control what OM does. You can control how you react. Be totally open and honest with your H.
I think you should tell him about the letter and ask him if he wants to read it. Men and women are different. I would definitely want to read it, then I would want to be present while H called OW and told her to never write him again. Your H may not want to read it, but you should tell him and discuss how to handle it.
It may or may not help him to read it, but he deserves to know about it. The lies are what makes everything so painful.
