Hello, I have been reading this site for three weeks now and have found comfort in the strength that you all offer to each other. The book is in the mail so I have not yet read it, but I thought I would post my story and see if I could get some advice for the near future. My W walked out three weeks ago. We have been together for 12 years (since age 15) married for 4. last year about this time she became emotionally evolved with OM. That’s lasted a few months till she said she wanted to leave. I found out about OM and was quite hurt, she ended up staying out of shame for what she had done. There were also two others she was thinking about being involved with. She was really looking for a way out. After a very painful 4 months we were heading down the right path. We spent a wonderful 6 months rebuilding our M. We also moved across country to be closer to our families.
I have a very well respected high stress job that she has always admired, but because we move a lot she has yet to find her own nitch. Our solution for this was law school for her. She applied to and was accepted to a school in LA (two hours away, starts in AUG) we were both super excited. We started to make living arrangements for the both of us and talk about the effect the distance would have on us. She told me a while back the she wondered if she would enjoy living on her own more and not want to come home. In hindsight I could have handled that better but it was my first hint that something was wrong. She begin to shut down through out march and April, then three weeks ago she told me she was leaving. She said she was lost, confused, scared, and that she feels the happiest when I am not around. She pack up her stuff and went to her parents house.
Our families live in the same city. She was speaking with my mom and sister regularly although not about much. Then after two weeks her parents told her she could not stay and had to go home to fix her marriage and that law school was not a good idea for her. She ran to a nearby state to stay with a college girlfriend. Since being there she will not respond to me in any way. She only contacts me if she wants money or me to mail something. Still limited contact with my mother, but no one else, no other friends or family. Since her parents told her she should not go to law school she is hell bent on it and I know no progress can be made until she moves there and starts to make things happen in her own life.
I am very understanding to the fact that we have been together from a young age and she needs to become her own person. I am sad, scared, mad and frustrated and lonely all at the same time. She is my best friend and right now that’s the only way I want to be there for her but she won’t even allow that. I try to remind myself that it has only been three weeks and she can be stubborn but to me it feels like months. I am seeing a councilor and have focused 100% attention to work, but the early mornings and periods of down time kill me. The only comfort I have right now is playing with my dog, being at work and praying. I am sick of annoying my friends about this and none of them have been through it anyways so they don’t know what to say. I would appreciate any advice anyone cares to give.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
I am going insane. i have been giving her space and trying to do all the right things but i have not heard a thing from her in a week.
I am working hard at work, i play with my puppy, i work out for myself, I even went to church today for the first time without a special occasion. I feel like my life is moving on and the world has not ended but i can't fill every minute of every day and when the missing her pops in my head i can't shake it.
Three weeks ago she was so upset to leave and wanted to put the R on hold but keep the best friends part going but now she won't talk to me at all. I don't even want to work on the R right now. I know it is too soon for her. She is going to need time to figure out her own life but it would be nice if she let me know how she is doing now that she is almost 800 miles away.
I just don't understand any of this, things were going so good, she was happy. it has not even been two months since she professed to me that "she realized how close she came to losing me and would never again do anything to jeopardize that"
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
I am so amazed at your wisdom and compassion at such a young age and amidst the stress that you have. It's no wonder, then, that you have an advanced career.
I'm glad you understand this probably won't have a quick fix to it and the best place for you is in friendship, and supporting her law degree.
You have been doing the right things, giving her space, taking care of making yourself happy. Make sure you aren't reactive to her, although I'll bet you have that under control.
You are going to receive a lot of advice here. Please sift it carefully. Any demands you put on her will probably backfire right now, although I think you know that.
When you get DR, jump to the Last Resort Technique. And then Infidelity.
Give it time.....you seem to be a great person. If it's safe enough for her to come back after she realizes it, and doesn't get too put down by family friends, I think that will increase your chances.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
It’s funny that you have that poem as your signature; my W gave me a copy of that poem for v day this year. Since she has been gone I have memorized it and say it to myself several times a day. I am trying to live every word of that poem and believe it to be her way of telling me that we will make it through this but she has to do things for herself for now, and truth be told so do I.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
So I have not heard from her in two weeks, and it is driving me crazy. I know that I should not check up on her but when i was paying our phone bill I noticed she has been talking to the OM from before. She has put me through so much hurt, so now what. I can't confront her, she is 800 miles away so I can't radomly see her so she can see i am doing good and worth somthing. I am out of sight out of mind in her world and it is killing me.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
why would i want to even be married to this person all she does is hurt me. I don't understand what she is seeking and how talking to him again will help her. this drops my respect and understanding for her so F'ing much.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
Before i found out about it after the fact. but to sit by while it happens, i am not sure if i can do that. and i know i don't know what their conversations are about but she has given me no season to thing anything else.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
that should read no reason to think anything else,
i don't pay attention when i type fast.
Well she is free to do what ever she wants, that is part of releasing her, but how much can I take and still be here if she returns. I feel like i am struggling to walk a path that God designed to only be able to be walked by two people. I can't carry her the entire way but I can't leave her on the side of the road either, so I stop and wait for God to show me a sign and all he does is throw rocks and me.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
The other day you wrote that "truth be told" there are some things you need to do for yourself right now.
Maybe He IS showing you a sign. If she isn't being honest, she isn't being your best friend. What kind of things can you do for you?
What kind of things did you do to make her "realize how close she was to losing you"? If you do decide you still want her, it might help to revisit that period and figure out what worked.
I'm so sorry for the pain you are in after finding out she's talking to OM.
