That maybe a MLC happens because people are too focused on themselves in stead of others. I am sure that I could get pretty bitter about what others have not done to satisfy me in my life and how unfair life is and how I want what I want if I allowed myself to be that self absorbed. I do not think it is an intentional thing to get like that but our society promotes being all about you and what makes you happy.
Watching my wife go through this is a big eye opener for me. I am thankful that at least in her state of "self awareness" she knew that she could not nurture her children and left them with me.
I don't mean to be mean, but ya know.... life is not about you. It is not about what makes you happy. If that is your focus and goal, I think you are setting yourself up for some big let downs. The great figures in our history have been people that have given their lives and devoted their lives to the well being of others. I wonder if there will be anyone from our generation who will go down in history like that?
I know that it is a trap and anyone can fall into it. I pray that I never do and I pray that if you have, you will be able to see the forest for the trees and see that life is much more fulfilling when we place importance on others. I truly mean that. My job allows me to help others for a living and just when I get bogged down by it all, I am able to see a positive effect of my work and it gives me meaning. I feel the same way about my family at times.
Jay, you hit the nail right on the head bro. MLC is all about the person going through it. People who do these things are so absorbed into themselves and what they want, they could care less about you, kids, or anyone. You are also correct about society permitting such behavior, its all about the individual, no one cares what harm others do to anyone as long as they are happy doing it.
My wife is a counselor, supposedly helping others. Except that she is still overly critical of them. Before she "changed" she truly helped others. She was a giving soul and seemed happier then. Now, she thinks of herself as their "savior" but appears that she shows contempt toward others. An air of superiority, of sorts.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
My wife has had a similar transition. She used to be the sweetest and non judgmental person but has become rather arrogant and talks bad about people now where I never really saw that very often before.
I think what you're saying has some truth about it. In my W's case, it has not been quite so extreme as what I have read about with others, but it is there. In a sense, it's like the MLCer has had a feeling of disregarding or suppressing some of his/her own desires/feelings for some time. Then, combined with changes developmentally, aging, etc., they begin to re-evaluate everything in their lives. They fear death, bodily decline, the fear that life is starting to run out and there is no control over that. The fear seems akin to "what if I don't live my life to the fullest possible??!!" and that often seems to connect with a disruption or tossing aside anything that was stable--precisely because it was stable. That something, in my case, was our relationship, and my W. I think felt "trapped". Ironically, this was so far from my experience with her, where I supported her on so many fronts, career, travel, etc, etc. But I think there is a desire to try to "wipe the slate clean" and go out there. My W. said something in the midst of one of our conversations which disturbed me. She said "I just want to see how big I can be out there in the world, and I feel held back." I was shocked. I was also deeply hurt and felt angry that the idea of being successful "out there" in life was assumed to be incompatible with a relationship with me.
So, yes, I would say that there is a self-focus about it all. It seems like because of this, it is so hard to allow room for consideration of the other person.
The part that has been so hard and painful for me is the sense of ridigity about it all. It gives no room for possibilities together, no room for working on any of it. Just cut and run. I know it's more complex than that, but that's how it does feel on the brown grass side of the fence.
I think what you're saying has some truth about it. In my W's case, it has not been quite so extreme as what I have read about with others, but it is there. In a sense, it's like the MLCer has had a feeling of disregarding or suppressing some of his/her own desires/feelings for some time. Then, combined with changes developmentally, aging, etc., they begin to re-evaluate everything in their lives. They fear death, bodily decline, the fear that life is starting to run out and there is no control over that. The fear seems akin to "what if I don't live my life to the fullest possible??!!" and that often seems to connect with a disruption or tossing aside anything that was stable--precisely because it was stable. That something, in my case, was our relationship, and my W. I think felt "trapped". Ironically, this was so far from my experience with her, where I supported her on so many fronts, career, travel, etc, etc. But I think there is a desire to try to "wipe the slate clean" and go out there. My W. said something in the midst of one of our conversations which disturbed me. She said "I just want to see how big I can be out there in the world, and I feel held back." I was shocked. I was also deeply hurt and felt angry that the idea of being successful "out there" in life was assumed to be incompatible with a relationship with me.
So, yes, I would say that there is a self-focus about it all. It seems like because of this, it is so hard to allow room for consideration of the other person.
The part that has been so hard and painful for me is the sense of ridigity about it all. It gives no room for possibilities together, no room for working on any of it. Just cut and run. I know it's more complex than that, but that's how it does feel on the brown grass side of the fence.
Purr
Purr, I think we are married to the same woman. That is a shockingly accurate account of my situation. You described it far better than I ever could. Sorry it is happening to you too man.
