I'm having trouble attaching links to my previous threads, so here is a short story.
My H (full blown MLC) left for our home town in September 2006 (we live abroad due to our work). He came back as was planned, for XMas, and dropped the YLUBNILWY bomb. We had a marathon R talk with me screaming, pleading, sobbing, well, you all know the script, and came up with a deadline - May 2008, when our D graduates. Back then I thought I've given him an awful lot of time and it will be over long before the deadline. I lurked on several forums, picked up some knowledge of MLC and started to realize that giving him a deadline (and announcing it) was probably a mistake. H kept telling me that he just needs time out to think things over and there is no one else. Ha. Long story short, after some PMA and GAL work on my part (I was quite successful too) and spending some time together as a family during summer, I felt that H wants to work on M and things are looking up. He left after summer vacation with ILY and told me that the time will go fast and we'll be together soon. I must confess that even though I was happy to hear that , I didn't quite believe him. He was still pretty much an alien, with dead eyes. Next time he came for XMas 2007 and dropped Bomb 2 - there is OW and full time PA. I screamed, pleaded and sobbed, but much less then the first time and recovered much faster, took me only couple of days. I still didn't know how to do it properly but I was listening, validating, etc. It worked. H sobbed too, hugged me, told me ILY and went back to OW. Once he was gone I started browsing again and - life saver! - found DBers. Ever since I'm here on board, getting ready for my next encounter with H. Which is soon now. That's right - SEVEN DAYS.
I'm going to see H and it looks like BOTH of us are getting ready for the major R talk. It starts feeling like going into battle.
I've promised him many things I shouldn't have, I guess. Makes me feel like a doormat. But I've always done like I said I'd be. For instance I've told him I'd not call him, no matter what. And I didn't, not once (except for when he called me and asked to call him back next day. That I did). I promised not to tell a single person, including our D17, and I didn't. NOw he knows it about me - I stick to my word - and, naturally, expects me to come over and announce that he has met the requested deadline and needs to give me his answer or... Here is the predicament. From what I've learned on Boards, you don't give an MLCer a deadline and expect him/her just snap out of it. MLC takes as long as it takes and the process should go uninterrupted. It's pretty much like waking up a sleepwalker to tell him to get back in bad. Could be dangerous.
Now my question is ( and I ask your forgiveness in advance as I'm afraid I will keep asking the same thing for a week) :
What do I do?!!!
Knowing me H must have thought an answer. He is going to see IC (totally out of character)on 13th and I'm sure he does so in order to find the right answer. And - I admit I ASS-U-ME here, as LIsa says - I'm not sure that IC is pro-M. He was recommended to H by someone who has recently D his W and lives happily (don't know about ever after) with OW, whom he married.
The short version turned out to be rather long, sorry!
Any suggestions, friends? Help me with my armour!
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
Someone on here talked about a book that really helped them when they were meeting up with their separated H for THE big talk - it's called "Crucial Conversations" and covers lots of different types of talks. I know it really helped her prepare for the 'talk' and keep herself focused and in control.
Good luck.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I wish I knew about the book before. I wonder if I have time to order it now, will try my best. It would be so helpful! Just what I need...
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
a talk can not destroy or fix anything. You know better by now. Let yourself shine and be positive. You have evolved so much even if you kept quiet, he would notice.
Whilst I agree that one talk by itself should not change things overall, the way one interacts with others DOES effect things. there's no harm going in as well armed as possible.
If you can't order the book in time try a library.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Let H lead the conversation. Act AS IF. Validate and listen to what he says, and if he says anything negative (I don't believe he will), don't react to it. Just nod and tell him you're sorry he feels that way. If he's positive, accept it, and respond with an equal measure of positivity (but don't go overboard).
Of course, that's all easy to say, more difficult to do!
How are things coming with outfit selection? Have you got a few 180s in the way you'll look planned?
Stella, Don't bring up the deadline (probably a 180 for you). Let H bring it up - listen and validate as much as you can, when in doubt say nothing. Take his lead in the convo. Act as if when you see him, be pleasant, positive around him. He'll notice all the changes in you.
HUGS!!!!
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Saffie, I've already decided to check out the library tomorrow and I looked the book up online. I'm going to order it in any case.
Lisa, outfit is a problem. I need to loose some weight in less then a week!
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
Are you sure he remembers that there is a deadline? If you don't bring it up, do you really think he will?
If he does, listen. Say nothing ... and then if he presses you tell him you really just want time to think about what he said.
If he asks you about the deadline you can just look a little quizzical (don't drop your jaw, you probably won't be able to pull that off)....and you can say it just slipped your mind.
It's important to keep your word, it's also important to be flexible.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
There's no need to loose weight Stellitsa mou! You're perfect as you are.
Sorry the long other post disappeared- I deleted it in a fit of embarrassment after seeing that the moment had passed, and feeling as thought maybe I'd gone over the top with it. Would you like me to re-post? It won't be exactly the same, but close enough!
- I'm not sure that IC is pro-M. He was recommended to H by someone who has recently D his W and lives happily (don't know about ever after) with OW, whom he married. 