Married 24 yrs. h had affair 12 yrs ago with the same woman, really separated since 03/08 he brought us home from spring break, he lives out of state home on easter... he went back to Ga picked her up on the way back spent a week with him...he says he loves me but he cant and wont live the way we did before. me to controlling making all the decisions. just an excuse because right after the affair 12 yrs. ago I tried and did meet him half way.... he treated me like crap 3 weeks ago showed up unannounced at his home he literally threw me out... drove 32 hrs.coming and going...said he wanted a divorce..no papers yet so far.. tell our friends who live close by where he lives.. he still loves me and misses his family.I am sure he still speaks with her.. she says she will not move with him out of state till she sees divorce papers.I asked him the other day what his plans were are we divorcing and he said Have I gotten any papers?? and I said no.. she got UPSET with him when she found out we were there for spring break .. guess he is telling her one thing and telling me another... even after this I still wont give up hope he is going thru a mid life crisis or something.. this all started when he bought himself a Harley last summer, met up with her during one of his rides.. he said he thought I did not love him anymore..of course all the blame is on me but I dont want to give up. I was on another infidelity site and they are told me to let him go because he was already gone.. but I refuse to do so.. spoke with a coach last saturday and she gave me a different approach than what I have doing..praying it will turn things around we still have 13 yr.old at home she is devasted by all this..and she sees me falling apart all the time.. I am getting better. but still have good days and bad..anyone on here ever had this same affair happen to them... he said once he saw her "All the old feelings came back" he had a LTA of 2yrs. before I need some input please
M-53 H-46 M-24+YRS BOMB-10/14/07 2-S 2-D Grandkids-7 Greatgrand kid-1 He needs space... Wants to start fresh new life W O/W Moved in his O/W Oct.08
He is living 900 miles away she resides in the same town as I do.. he is out of state because we were moving there at the end of the school year ...he left in Oct.07 to take care of his dying dad.when dad passed away he moved to Ga.up until march of this year we were a go for moving at the end of May when daughters school year ended
M-53 H-46 M-24+YRS BOMB-10/14/07 2-S 2-D Grandkids-7 Greatgrand kid-1 He needs space... Wants to start fresh new life W O/W Moved in his O/W Oct.08
Irma, Don't know what other site you were on. I was on another site before I found this one. Most of the people on it were very negative. I got the same response -- to forget my H and move on! I didn't. I found this site. We're still together. So, definitely stick around here. You'll get lots of support and advice. Opinions on what to do will vary. But you know your sitch, so think through the replies and apply what works for you.
If your H is living 900 miles away, I see that as a blessing and a curse. You know OW is not there with him! Since you have a daughter, he'll be visiting you more, and you him.
If this is his second A with this woman, you know it didn't work with them the first time, right? What makes him think it will work this time? How long ago was his first A with her and how long did it last?
I don't know of anyone who's experienced 2 A's with the same person on this board. There are those whose WAS had more than one A, with different people.
You said you spoke with a coach. That's great. If you have not gotten the book yet, definitely do that.
It's hard to be upbeat when it feels like you're heart is being ripped out. But do the best you can. Be the person he wants to be with. And GAL! It will also help your D13.
This is why I feel so like I am the only one in here that has had to deal with the same O/W. Makes me think maybe they were meant for each other since they revived the affair... and yes you are right... it did not work the first time..they had a 2 yr affair the first time. I call him daily which my coach said to set a goal and that was to call less frequently... we actually have really nice talks..about daughter and what he did during the day etc. etc..... coach said to sound upbeat and happy...and I do for the most part but I still have those "like a child having a fit because I camt get my way with him" and he just changes so much lots sighing on phone... saying things like you are driving me crazy... and then I realize I am back to square one... like you said for me to be the person he wants to be with... isn't this just terrible... they did the cheating and because I now want to work on our marriage, the cheated on spouse has to do all the work and walk on eggshells.I wish someone could explain that to me.. thank for your advice ...but yea this is why I feel so desperate because it seems like I am the only one anywhere that has had a husband's affair been with the same woman... one more thing... I really hate her so much because the ffirst time i can see happening, but not this second time.. I know they must of loved each other back then and he probably broke her heart... so this time she should of asked for some sort of divorce papers showing he was a free agent..but she just did not care..this is what you call a real homewrecker..I know I have to not have this kind of hate in me but I just cant help it... yes he is at fault too but she could of said no show me something that shows you are not together anylonger... i need therapy or something to put those feelings to bed.. again thanks hope to hear from you soon and see what you think..
M-53 H-46 M-24+YRS BOMB-10/14/07 2-S 2-D Grandkids-7 Greatgrand kid-1 He needs space... Wants to start fresh new life W O/W Moved in his O/W Oct.08
This is why I feel so like I am the only one in here that has had to deal with the same O/W. Makes me think maybe they were meant for each other since they revived the affair... and yes you are right... it did not work the first time..they had a 2 yr affair the first time.... ******* i need therapy or something to put those feelings to bed.. again thanks hope to hear from you soon and see what you think..
Hi Irma! Sorry you are here but this is a great site--I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't found this place!!!
I don't think your H and the OW were made for each other except that they are both dysfunctional. From what I've seen in my sitch and others, most (maybe all?) of the OWs are messed up. Why else would they have affairs with married men or married men with kids? The OW in my case is married with kids also! She has 3 last names and her D has a 4th last name--she's already been married a few times already, etc. I have mutual friends and they tell me she lets her daughter drink alcohol already at 13 yoa, and stuff like that. I think because they are dysfunctional people having a dysfunctional R they say 90% of affairs don't work out--but I guess our Hs need to figure that out for themselves.
I think it is kind of funny everyone here is getting therapy (I am too!) or thinking about getting it, but I think our spouses are really the ones that need it. I think it's ok to have those feelings, I do and I think we are just being human! Karen
Karen