I know that this was just another letting go for me. I think that perhaps some of us feel like if we actually become friends with our X's we are saying they did nothing wrong.
In the end, I saw a man that knew he had hurt me and knew he had messed up. But, they are just humans and I do believe they didn't do it "TO" us.
Based on your registration date, I'm thinking that you really WANT the talk, you still need validation that you're not that bad that someone would leave you. I know this feeling well. It's not wrong to feel that way, but it is why we say to focus on being the best you can be to get that good feeling about yourself back.
It's not about you. And, never say never as far as them wanting to come back, after all, that's why we start out here. Most of us will never get the opportunity or it will be too late, but just as we didn't know how we'd react when they leave, not sure we exactly know what we'd do if they tried to come back. Either way, it's irrelevant to our healing.
Take Care!
Frosty,
I guess I see things differently. I hold my friends to a high standard. This does not mean they are expected to be perfect. Yet, they are expected to have character and stick to their commitments.
I need no validation from her. I know we are all valuable in God's eyes. That is what matters. I would never want validation from someone who holds values contrary to God's word.
After what she has done, I could NEVER imagine any decent guy wanting to be married to her. Her actions scream loudly about the type of woman she is...... As it was said in Diary of a Mad Black Woman, "You can't turn no ho into a housewife!" People are who they are...
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 05/08/0804:35 PM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Well, I misinterpreted your registration date and didn't realize you've already remarried....
I guess I understand the statement that you hold friends to a higher standard. In my life, I have found that family members as well as XH's are human and deserve some kindness on my part.
I'm happy to say that I have passed that kindness on to my kids and it has helped them to actually get a relationship with their dad. He messed up, yes, he hurt me greatly, but it helps none of us to sit in judgement and hate.
I agree that if posed with him wanting to come back, all bets are off, but I know for me, forgiveness was more for me and the kids then for him.
This is only my opinion, sounds like you have what you want in life.
Well, I misinterpreted your registration date and didn't realize you've already remarried....
I guess I understand the statement that you hold friends to a higher standard. In my life, I have found that family members as well as XH's are human and deserve some kindness on my part.
I'm happy to say that I have passed that kindness on to my kids and it has helped them to actually get a relationship with their dad. He messed up, yes, he hurt me greatly, but it helps none of us to sit in judgement and hate.
I agree that if posed with him wanting to come back, all bets are off, but I know for me, forgiveness was more for me and the kids then for him.
This is only my opinion, sounds like you have what you want in life.
Take Care!
Frosty,
I believe we must extend grace and forgiveness. If not, how can we expect to be forgiven?
I have forgiven my exW for what she did. I had to do that because God mandates it. I had to do that for me. I had to do that so I could be the best H possible for my new W. For all she has been through, she deserves that.
I believe judgment comes from God's word not ours. That is how we can discern right from wrong.
I am glad to hear how things are with all of you. It will be much better for the children.
What did I want in my life? More than anything a Proverbs 31 woman. I also wanted a woman who could dress up for a company party (and look hot), have friendly intelligent conversation with my coworkers and then take me home and make mad passionate love to me all night long... I am blessed with all of it....
Take Care,
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 05/08/0804:56 PM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
I guess several people are reading into what I wrote. My question was what would you do if your ex wanted to have "the talk?" It was strictly theoretical centered on you. I was interested in what others thoughts were.
My thoughts, No thanks, I was there, I know what happened, I'll decice for myself how i feel about it and I don't need to hear her interpretation of it.
If she said she had something specific that she wanted to talk aobout that might make life better either now or in the near future, well then maybe, but hashing over old bones, no thanks.
ALL
"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
I guess several people are reading into what I wrote. My question was what would you do if your ex wanted to have "the talk?" It was strictly theoretical centered on you. I was interested in what others thoughts were.
My thoughts, No thanks, I was there, I know what happened, I'll decice for myself how i feel about it and I don't need to hear her interpretation of it.
If she said she had something specific that she wanted to talk aobout that might make life better either now or in the near future, well then maybe, but hashing over old bones, no thanks.
ALL6785,
Those are some very wise thoughts.... One really needs to ask the following:
Quote:
What good can come of this?
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Interesting question. I've thought alot about this in the past couple of months. More about what I would want out of it than what xh might want out of it.
If he called to ask to get together, I would ask that any conversation be done by phone..and I would ask that he respect my request. I would not ask what it was about. After all, if it's a subject where old things are rehashed, it's pretty darn easy to just hang up the phone. That would certainly get the point across that you're not interested in hashing up any hurtful blaming.
If he respected my request, and a time and date was agreed upon for the phone conversation, I would be curious to hear what he needs to talk to me about. Notice I say 'need'..because it is still about THEIR needs..not ours. I'll admit, I'd be real curious to know what's on his mind.
If he wanted to rehash..I'd hang up. If he wanted to apologize, I'd accept his apology, as I'm trying to honestly forgive him anyway, and if he shows remorse, all the better. If he wanted to try to explain himself, I would listen...as long as he wasn't trying to 'excuse' his behavior. Explain , yes..that means he might have seriously been delving into why he behaved the way he did. Find excuses for what he did....no, I don't care to listen to the blame game again...heard it once...don't need to hear it again. And truthfully, it's about time that I apologize for a few things that I know I was responsible for. Nothing is ever one-sided..and that means problems in a marriage, too.
If he wanted to feel me out about how I felt about him, I would be honest. I always have been. I love him, I haven't liked him or respected him in a long, long time. Would I consider being his friend. I'm pretty picky about who I call a 'friend', and I'd expect him to have the same qualities I'd want in a friend..and he'd have to show that he did/could possess those qualities. It's hard to be a friend to someone when they don't respect you or honor the relationship.
Honestly, I don't know that I could just be a 'friend' to xh after being married 30 years. So...I'd have to really think about that one...which means many, many phone convos before meeting in person for a face to face.
This is all in theory anyway. XH, as far as I know, is still mixed up with OW, although he has mentioned to our son that he wants her out of his apartment. I don't want to be exposed to xh talking about his relationship problems with OW. It's his problem, not mine. And he'll have to deal with it on his own..I won't /can't help him deal with it. I also know that relationship with OW is not going to just go cold after they've been together for more than a few years. I'm not going to be his 'bandaid', like she was his when he wanted a D.
So...would I talk to him? Definitely, yes! Would it be on his terms? Definitely, no! Would I let him talk about whatever he wanted to? No! Would I listen more than I would talk? Yes. I think I would like to really listen to what he has to say, and for the first time in a long time, just zip my lip. I think it would be quite interesting.
I'm at a place in my life now that I know I can exist, emotionally, on my own...so I know I won't 'die' if xh is never in my life again. But I do remember very good things about our past years together, and I would be interested in seeing if any of that has been thought about during his whole crisis. I would like to know if he ever looked back, and wondered...you know?
We can't change anything about them...that's for sure. But we can be there for them if they want to change. No one can change another person (how many of us thought that when we married our x-spouses)... I truly believe only God can do that. And I think He's perfectly capable of doing that to each and everyone of our WASs if that is His will, and we faithfully pray that someday the WASs will open to His beckoning. But they have to get to the place that they are looking for Him because they know they are lost.
I'm still believing in my Lord to yell so loud at xh, that he can do nothing but listen. I pray everynight for that to happen. Firstly, for xh...second for our sons...and if God willing our broken family.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Did you have 'the talk' or are you giving this some space for a while?
AO
AO,
I am just wondering what others would do in theory. My exW has not approached me for the talk. My new W would like me to have the talk with exW if the opportunity presented itself because she believes it is healthiest.
I am still on the fence as to if I would actually do it. If she has thawed, realized what she did wrong and wanted to talk.... I have no clue what I would do...... Would I talk via phone? Would I meet her in person? Would I want her to see what I look like now? (I had a some work done. )
My thing would be if she wanted to have "the talk" she has some agenda.... Something she wants to achieve..... What could THAT be?
Take Care,
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
RE: The Millionarie next door... you mentioned on germ's site...ya, heard of it. Am hoping my neighbours will write such a thing about me one day.
I do not find the notion that many of the wealthiest are inconspicuous. I live near communities that have many Chinese in one area and Mennonites in another. And have done loads of business with both.
Let me tell you... if there were ever two cultural groups who exemplified living ordinarily while being massively wealthy it would be with these two groups.
I have known so, so, SO, many instances where you would be certain the individuals were very ordinary or even below average or poor. Yet they own real estate all over the place and hold down very ordinary jobs. They are just prudent and frugal. Not to say cheap. But more wise.
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