Well this is it, it has taken 2 years to get to this final stage, some days it seems like it has taken 2 years, other times it feels like just yesterday when H turned on me accusing me of ruining the marriage, Yes apparently I ruined the marriage by confronting him about his affair.
He has been out of my life totally for the whole 2 years, He never looked back, he remains angry and hurt, he has felt like the victim the whole way through. If I say anything it has been taken negatively and seen as direct hit on his emotions.
H is a fantastic liar, he has a great support network, none of these people know me or the boys, he has his family on his side, MIL tries to break away every now and again and begins to contact us again but then I suspect that H offers some convincing talk that persuades her to be more loyal to her son rather than her grandsons.
This journey has been tough, I have had thoughts of desperation, thoughts of throwing in the towel so many times, it has been difficult not to publically scream, I have wanted to let people know what is going on in our lives but I haven't.
I have supported H, I suppose in doing so I have made excuses for his behaviour, but I have to believe that the man I married is the real H.
I can not accept that the person he has become is a guy that has found his true self.
He is in great debt, estranged from his sons, lost contact with a huge group of family and friends and is not doing so well at work and has health issues.
Looking on the bright side of H's stich, he has his freedom, he is not burdened with everyday stress, the troubles with living with expensive, annoying teenagers. He gets to keep all his income to himself, he can come and go as he likes in his own place- he lives a life with no restrictions.
I do not know if H views his new life style as full and complete or empty, when he first left I asked him if he was happy, he said not really because he didn't have his family with him, I asked if he viewed me as a member of his family and he said he never had, I was merely just the mother of his children. I don't think he even thinks that highly of me now.
My view on my life 2 years on is so different to how I felt back then, I have good health, I have enough income to support me and my sons, I have a home, a job that I enjoy doing, I have fantastic family & friends, but most of all I have daily contact with our sons and we laugh and share our experiences. Not everyday is bliss, we are still on this rollercoaster ride, we are still getting used to life without H but we get through each day and the low days are infrequent now.
Up until now I have not been able to have closure, one thing the D will allow us both is closure. H has stated from the day he left that it was a D he wanted, he seems he has achieved little else so I guess he will view the D as an achievment, I guess D day will be a day of celebration for H. I will not be celebrating, to me D day is merely a business deal, nothing more, this is how I have dealt with the D process so far, I just hope it is how I continue to do so.
I hope DBers who are just beginning to experience this journey can see the positive side of my story, I do not focus on the fact that H is no longer a part of my life, I do not feel like I have failed my marriage, I view my life as a success, when I look back I have come so far and achieved so much, I have everything I need to feel complete, I do not need H in my life to feel complete, I would like him to be a part of my life but I do not need him to be.
heavens, I could've almost signed my name at the bottom of your post jmw.
The important thing is that you have come to that liberating conclusion that you do not need him to be complete, it would've been nice to have the H's around, but yes, we do not need them to be happy.I thank God you have found true freedom and I hope all goes well with the D paperwork and it's over and done)))) my SA is almost done too.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I will be thinking of you jmw, as I have said before our sitch's are so alike, keep your head up babe you've done nothing wrong and always think that in the end it is their loss not ours, let's wait and see in a few years time if the grass is still greener over there. hugs to you at this difficult time
Thanks for your replies and support, very needed and appreciated at this time.
I just do not understand how a person can knowingly go out to hurt their family, after spending years nurturing them.
How can a father not be able to communicate with a child he witnessed enter this world, watched him grow up only to totally back off and not be able to hold a cnversation with them.
How can a father not want to share his wealth with his children, by this I do not just mean money i mean everything.
HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN ? it is as if the MLCer goes into survival mode, wanting to keep everything fr himself, not wanting to share anything.
After talks with my L, H is holding out for the maximum, no negotiation, he wants the lot. He is looking for a settlement that if awarded would see me and the lads go under.
For a man who left saying that he didn't want to hurts us anymore than he had and he just wanted a reasonable sum to live on, well he has changed his tune somewhat. He is out for the maximum at all costs.
I REALLY DO NOT KNOW THE MAN WHO SITS IN THE OPPOSITION SEAT, HE IS A STRANGER TO ME NOW.
Thanks for your replies and support, very needed and appreciated at this time.
I just do not understand how a person can knowingly go out to hurt their family, after spending years nurturing them.
How can a father not be able to communicate with a child he witnessed enter this world, watched him grow up only to totally back off and not be able to hold a cnversation with them.
How can a father not want to share his wealth with his children, by this I do not just mean money i mean everything.
HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN ? it is as if the MLCer goes into survival mode, wanting to keep everything fr himself, not wanting to share anything.
After talks with my L, H is holding out for the maximum, no negotiation, he wants the lot. He is looking for a settlement that if awarded would see me and the lads go under.
For a man who left saying that he didn't want to hurts us anymore than he had and he just wanted a reasonable sum to live on, well he has changed his tune somewhat. He is out for the maximum at all costs.
I REALLY DO NOT KNOW THE MAN WHO SITS IN THE OPPOSITION SEAT, HE IS A STRANGER TO ME NOW.
I was just thinking the same thing about my wife. I watched my wife raise and dote over these kids and then she just says, I don't want to be married anymore and I dont want to be a mother anymore either. BAM, away she goes, seemingly with no regrets or too much pride to admit she is wrong. Sad, but we are doing well and moving on too. Me and my boys get along great and have a good home life. God is in control of this ride and I feel comfortable in HIS hands.
Thanks for your replies and support, very needed and appreciated at this time.
I just do not understand how a person can knowingly go out to hurt their family, after spending years nurturing them.
How can a father not be able to communicate with a child he witnessed enter this world, watched him grow up only to totally back off and not be able to hold a cnversation with them.
How can a father not want to share his wealth with his children, by this I do not just mean money i mean everything.
HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN ? it is as if the MLCer goes into survival mode, wanting to keep everything fr himself, not wanting to share anything.
After talks with my L, H is holding out for the maximum, no negotiation, he wants the lot. He is looking for a settlement that if awarded would see me and the lads go under.
For a man who left saying that he didn't want to hurts us anymore than he had and he just wanted a reasonable sum to live on, well he has changed his tune somewhat. He is out for the maximum at all costs.
I REALLY DO NOT KNOW THE MAN WHO SITS IN THE OPPOSITION SEAT, HE IS A STRANGER TO ME NOW.
jmw, did we have the same man! I have told you before they are like twins our ex's. I also love the last sentence you wrote about the opposition being a stranger, I too noticed this when my ex took me to court last august, he walked past me and during the court ignored me all the time it was if he had never seen me before in his entire life, it was so business like. Youve got to wonder what has actually gone off in their heads, but I do believe and yes all through everything that he as done that there will come a day when ex really regrets everything he as done, you know what I mean jmw, they don't send money for their childrens upkeep, they dont contact them, and mine even threw his only child out of his house, is this sane, he came as you know into quite a lot of money just before he left and he doesn't even send son pocket money or support money to enable me to get son a drink of milk a day, who is going to be so sad when he as spent all his inheritance and not spent anything on raising his only son, see what I am saying is jmw, keep your chin up, you and the children won't go under, it is hard yes I agree, I lie awake and think if it will ever end and how we are going to afford this and that, but we get there and so will you. love and hugs and take care
I have just gone against the DB code, I have defended myself.
STBX has over stepped the mark - yet again, he has attempted to slur my character.
He has made phone calls to his L accussing me of accussing him of a serious allegation.
A bit of a rediculous call to make, I produced the e-mail which was a simple note, my L couldn't believe what he had done and this isn't the 1st time, there have been others that I have let go, but now my L has my complete paper trail and is liasing with his.
It would seem that H has just exposed himself to his legal team as a nut.
It is sad that he feels he needs to taint my repretation in order to gain points, well it has just backfired.
The lads are once again ammazed at his behaviour, MIL will know too by now, he can't hide from what he has said, it is all there in black and white.
I'm not sure whether he has chosen to misinterpret the contents of the mail or whether his mind misinterprets it for him, which ever happens is a cause for concern.
jmw, it is amazing isn't it how they change and worm things to their own little world to make themselves look the good guy in all of this. my ex always always said the house was ours, he used to pull me up if ever I said in the heat of the moment, you do the garden its your house, or something like that, he always jumped in and said no it is our house, and he meant it. the house therefore was always to be our son's when anything happened to us, it was all down on paper and in our mirror wills, but when he wanted to put us out on the streets he stated in his statement to the court, that the house was his and it had always been understood it remained his, as I didn't contribute to it as I didn't work, what the hell it was through him I didn't work as he wanted me to stay home and bring son up, it was him that said you don't need to work, i will take care of you and son and provide enough, and then low and behold he threw that in my face in the court proceedings. That hurt and it really hurt, when I think I could have worked and earnt my own money, he made me sound like a right scrounger. It is awful how they turn on us and make us sound so terrible as if they truly hate us
