How's the body feeling? It knows I did something. Probably most in the shoulders. It isn't a lot, but I didn't do a lot!
Amy, I may have to start another thread, but for now we'll see what happens here, I think. A lot of times there are good ideas in the silliness.
OK, so I am doing some new things, that are for me. The Coke thing, seeing a C, and now the ADs. And sticking by darned fingers a couple times a day, which I think is going to lead to more lifestyle changes!
So, where should I go as far as W is concerned? My thinking is to go back to the plan of asking her what she would like to do, but I can see there are flaws in that. I'm listening!
As you have no doubt figured, I think it's time to shake the fence but the most important question is going to be how do you approach her so she isn't automatically put on the defensive?
You have quit drinking soda, you are going to C, you have been doing more projects around the house, and you are starting to make exercise a part of your life - these are all very good actions. And actions do speak louder than words.
But what actions will also speak to your W? We've already talked about 180s, surprising her on her birthday, stuff like that. Pick one, post it here, just do it, and start monitoring the results!
((((((Jeff)))))))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Don't be easily discouraged. It took years to get here its going to take time to make any improvement.
Be consistent.
What is something small that you remember her liking? Like a type of flower a note a card, some place you can leave that for her? Favorite guilty pleasure in the fridge or freezer. Doing a chore that she hates.
Build up a repertoire.
Don't give up easily.
Like fixing bad credit this takes time to even be acknowledged.
Oh yeah...
It takes one to know one...stop spending so much time on this f-ing idiot box. The real world is the world outside the computer screen.
Which reminds me a a lyric, and if you can tell me the song, I'll be impressed with your googling skills.
"If you're bored; then you're boring."
Congrats on the yoga...
I guess flexibility is good. ; )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Jeff you are doing some really good things for yourself and should be proud. Keep up the good work and like was posted earlier, pick a move - post it, do it and monitor.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Good for you on the yoga. Consider experimenting with meditation as a way to focus on the moment in which you live, and what is good about that moment, not what is bad. Not sure how I stumbled back here with a new thought ... but I feel like I might have bumped my head or something.
Anyhow, here is the new thought. A very hard part for any of us, or any normal human is a lack of physical contact. If you are are interested in learning multiple new things that make Jeff a more interesting and talented person, what about massage? Would your W be a willing participant if you got a book and started practicing on her shoulders and back? Avoid being tempted to use this as an introduction to other physical contact that she does not choose. Do you think that by helping her relax physically and mentally around you in a new way, she may begin to become more at ease physically or even attracted?
My other thought is, so what if it doesn't change her? So what if it just gives you experience in massage and she gives feedback on what works or helps, and what doesn't. In the end, Jeff learns to massage and will one day make someone glad he did.
Keep on making Jeff better ... and Jeff will never be sorry. Neither will the people in Jeff's future.
Hi Jeff...well done on the yoga vid! I got one too, yoga for beginners I think...
You asked us So, where should I go as far as W is concerned? My thinking is to go back to the plan of asking her what she would like to do, but I can see there are flaws in that. I'm listening!
I'm wondering what you have to lose at this stage. Your sitch isnt SO precarious.. you are still M under the same roof, on the other hand, she hasnt slept with you for 3 1/2 years!!?? Thats a long time, I've had serious Rs shorter than that. In a way, its not like you need to fear scaring her back into her hole, as you say to me. Shes already in a hole, with a steel door on it, bolted. Shes not making steps toward you at all. Sounds like you havent asked her anything, or confronted the state of your M for a very long time... why dont you just TALK TO HER.
I dont know what you could say, or how it would go, maybe you could start by just saying... W, we should talk...arrange a time/place, with no children? Just ask her how she IS?
I wanted to ask you something that I havent heard mentioned here, I wondered how you felt about the effect all of this may be having on your sons? (Or may your W be worried about the example it is setting them?). The youngest may not understand too much about adult Rs, but the teenage ones must have witnessed the withdrawing of your W through their teenage years, that she is in the spare room (?), taht she never touches you, you dont talk.. and they see you putting up with that. Are you concerned about this? What it may be showing them, as a model of an R? Or are they not aware do you think? Or maybe you've raised it with them? On the other hand, its very positive that you are not walking out on the M, that sets them a clear message of commitment and sticking with it, even when it gets tough?
I guess maybe, if you need a push to do something, then do it for your sons. They need to know what a healthy loving R is, surely.
Its not for me to say really, as I have no kids! So I send you a big apology if I have overstepped the mark at all. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are a lovely man Jeff. Truly, a heart of gold...
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I'd never heard the song, Jack, but Google found it easily!
Massage is a very interesting idea, W2S. My first instinct is of course negative, I've kinda gotten conditioned that way. But, if she would go for it, it might be a great way to get comfortable with being in the same room, or even closer than that. I would have never though of it! And I expect you are right, if she doesn't appreciate it, someone will!
Ali, you are quite correct, she is so far in her hole, there's no where for her to go!
I have thought a lot about what the boys are seeing. I've often wondered it this is worse that them seeing a divorce. I am sure the older two see a lot. I think they think their mom is a bit off. The youngest still thinks she walks on water. I'm not sure about S13, probably in the middle, somewhere. But I agree, for a lot of reasons the status quo is not healthy.
You didn't overstep a bit Ali. (((((((Ali))))))) And thank you for your very kind words!
