I think this is where I belong.

[Jay Scott]

Hi folks, I have spent a few months on the WAW forum to try and get some insight into my WAW who after over 10 years of marriage, decided that she no longer wanted to be a wife or mother and walked out on me and my two young sons (12 and 5). She has never had a real job in her life and after getting her first job in Jan, and spending a week out of town on the trip, she came home dropped the bomb and took off her ring.

She was gone and in her own apartment within weeks. She has been gone for nearly 4 months now and up until the last week, she has had little to no contact with the children that she doted over up until she snapped.

She had issues with me for sure, "not being in love with me ever" being the biggest, but she also stated that she was resentful of the children because she felt that she had "sacrificed" her youth for them. She never worked and I worked 2 to 3 jobs over the years so that she would not have to. We (both of us) felt that it was better for her to raise our kids than get a job, although I never stopped her from doing so but I never forced her to either.

I encouraged her to do what ever she wanted, school or whatever. We got along well and did not have a lot of fights. We were chasing each other around the house (playing) the day before she went on her trip.

She did meet another man at the training and was calling and texting him for a month behind my back and said she had a crush on him. But he did not return her interest and she got mad and dropped her pursuit. I dont know if she is dating anyone or what she is doing now. I have not been snooping or contacting her much.

She seems to be in a full out MLC at 34. She said she was afraid of being 35 and wanted to go and be a young college kid again. So that is what she has done. She just walked away from her husband and her children. I never saw it coming and it hit me like a ton of lead. I am now a single father raising two boys and I am finding a lot of peace and joy in it as I get further away from the point of impact.I also get a lot of strength from reading your posts here.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Jay,

First off sorry you are here. You are in good company, and you can survive this.

Second, there are some really good resources at the top here, take some time to read them. I caution you on two things:
Forget the time line, don't do that to yourself. Do not spend much time trying to figure out what stage they are in or chart the stages, its a futile excercise and will frustrate you and your efforts.

Third, If you're real name is Jay Scott. Change your screen name when you post here. This is your sanctuary. Do not tell your wife about this place. This is our safe haven.

Other points...

There is no magic bullet or way to speed this up.

You will need to be patient, the attrition rate is high, (most) men I do not believe have the patience to do this for any length of time, compared to our stronger gender counter parts.

There is NOTHING you can do to help her currently, so help yourself. Turn your weaknesses into strengths. Lemons into lemonade. Trite cute and a great time killer while you improve yourself and your realtionship with your boys.

Like you I have two boys of similar ages.

About children, kept them kids, not your confidants, not your support structure. Not your friends. Do not speak poorly about their mother in front of them.


You are vulnerable you will be tempted. Keep yourself out of situations where you will be tempted.

You sound strong, thats good. I hope you can do this.

[Jay Scott]

Thanks Jack, I have read your posts and I know you have lots of great insight. I appreciate your words and will try hard to follow them. They are some of the best suggestions I have had yet.

I must say upfront, that I am not sure that I am strong enough to do this when it comes to putting my marriage back together. I am not sure that I even want that. What I want right now is to provide the best for my boys and be the best dad I can be right now. I thank God for this time. I have drawn so close to them and I love being the one who puts them to be and gets them ready for school.

Thanks Jack

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I have drawn so close to them and I love being the one who puts them to be and gets them ready for school.

I have never hated my wife so much as the first night they were at her apartment.

[Jay Scott]

I cannot imagine that Jack. That is the main reason why I will not fight with her or give her any reason to do the same. I am thankful for selfish reasons that things are as they are. She told me a few weeks ago that she knew that I was the better parent now and that I could provide better for them emotionally and financially right now.

[peacetoday]

Jay
welcome
this does take time
I too have gotton closer to my kids thru this process
There is noithing that we can do to bring of MLCer spouse around..just time
paractice being positive and upbeat around her
no pressure or judgement
My H is in MLC for 15 months
over this time , we have developed a friendship
he still doesnt want the m though
It takes a long time
take this time to heal and grow/ the rewards are great
there is no where to go anyway
peace

[Jay Scott]

Thanks for the reply and the word of encouragement p2d. I have to be upfront here with you all, I don't think I would ever take her back. Then why am I here. Because I feel comfort in knowing that I am not alone in the rejection I am feeling. Many of you have amazing insight and it is helping ME. I loved my wife with all my heart but this incredibly selfish act on her part has totally severed any feelings of love and attraction I had for her. I just think she is making the most ignorant decision a person can make and there is nothing I can do about it. But do I really want her back..... no I don't I am sorry to say. That is really hard for me to say because I have always spouted off how much I hated divorce, but I was never in this position before.

I hope you all do not mind me sticking around and participating even though I do not have it in me to be a real DB'r.

[hopefloats7]

This just breaks my heart. As a woman, I cannot understand walking away from your husband and kids, feeling resentful. Your wife doesn't know how to feel blessed for all that she has had in her life.
I am sure the men here will be more helpful to you than I can. Just wanted to say that I really wish you well. I hope your boys are doing ok. God bless.

[Jay Scott]

Thanks Hope, I actually am encouraged when I hear things like that from women. It makes me think the world is not as upside down as it seems at times. Thank you.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Jay,

I seldom post on weekends.

Do you believe that MLC is a mental illness?
It is important.

Recently I got rid of all the emails and all the logs I had found. I didn't get rid of them all. I kept one.

It was a journal entry.

It was a document she had written, about her confusion, the understanding of the pain she was causing and her inability to understand WHY she was doing it. How she had to give up her soulmate, me, because she couldn't stand the pain she was creating in me. How she had so many regrets now because of her actions that she could never see how to get past them. And she also felt horrible about the pain she was and would create in our boys because no matter what happened children without both parents would suffer. She knew her actions were urting people she knew her decisions were poor and yet she didn't know what to do. Everything was pain and confusion for her.

I'll post the actual document on Monday.

So if you can grasp the idea that MLC is a mental illness, if you can do that, then you can forgive, and if you can forgive then maybe, maybe you are here for marriage and not just yourself.

Never limit yourself, keep as many doors open as you can.