Thought I figured it out-but wait there's more

[Doingmypart]

Here is a link to some back ground for those who want to see how this came to be:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1421819

So I am still recording in her car just about daily. I probably should stop but I keep learning and gaining more insight. So it is good in that I hear her true feelings about me & where our R stands. It is bad in that I hear about the new guy she is starting to date. Such as I know they have had sex at least once. (btw this is OM2 from above post.) I guess this is technically not an A since we are "separated" in the same house for now & I did give her the "go ahead" to see other people while we are in this transition weird who knows what the hell is going to happen next period. I also learned that my W & OM2 are going to a sporting event tomorrow 3 hrs away but of course my W just said she needs to "get out of town & get away from it all and won't be home until Sat AM." WTF! We have kids come on this is so selfish! I am so mad right now. More that she keeps playing it up that there is no one & she gets offended (even drops the tears) when I suggest that there is someone she is seeing. All I want is honesty at this point. I understood what I was getting into when I agreed to see others (I'm not and in no hurry to either).
The NEW findings of maybe just confirmed old ones came about today during the afternoon recording. She and OM1 were fooling around in the car today, so I got to hear that...no fun! Again, my main issue with this I would guess this NEVR stopped from their BS "one time A" When recently talking to her about him trying to get closure on the A I did know about that she shared with me years ago, she assured me that they were strictly business buddies and NOTHING ELSE. Damn I am a FOOL. Why the hell did I trust her. So basically she is business buddies WITH BENEFITS with OM1 meanwhile courting OM2 and sleeping with him (at least once) and has a overnight date w/him Friday night. I want to type some cuss words here to vent...I will not but use your imagination.
ON a lighter note, I did purchase DR today started reading and am at page 110. Now some of you may read fast, or really enjoy it. I however am not the fastest reader and much rather hear someone read it to me. SO my point is it reads really well. I am praying and hoping that this book and the 7 steps will work for us. As crazy as it sounds, I will take her back and be the best H I can be. I want our family to be a healthy one I hope to look back at these dark times as the worst part of our lives & M. I want to move forward & try the techniques and steps in the book. I am excited to start them. I have been taking notes & doing what I can as I was reading today.
I am willing to take responsibility for my part in where we are, I used to take ALL of it, but I know now that she playes just as big a role as I do. I don't think at the moment she sees herself as any sort of problem in our R. Just that she has been having an A most of our M, been dishonest w/me, would help me to commit to changing up "X" in our R but then take a back seat when it came time to put it all together. Letting me fall on my face and take 4 steps back from any progress we may have made...then point out, "See you can't change, you just keep letting me down, I don't know why I fall for your lies, you never follow through." Okay that was a pretty good vent for tonight. I actually do feel better at the moment. So do I stop recording? I know I should, but it has become somewhat of an addiction. My original purpose was to determine if there was someting going on with OM1, ans Yes. Then I started hearing about me and where she sees our R going. This was different than what she tells me (somewhat) So again, I get some good insight about where I stand or don't at the present time. Eventually if we reconcile I am trying to decide if I let her know what I found out? I guess when we get "good" I will need to be brutally honest. Well I'll cross that bridge provided I can cross the on I'm on now with the broken bords, rope ripping apart and no superhero in sight.
Thanks for reading.

[karen43]

So I am still recording in her car just about daily. I probably should stop but I keep learning and gaining more insight. So it is good in that I hear her true feelings about me & where our R stands. It is bad in that I hear about the new guy she is starting to date.

DMP, that must be so painful for you to hear all that! I agree you should probably stop too. You may be learning more bad stuff about your W, but how does that really help you? I think it is probably just hurting you to do that. I can't even imagine hearing my H with the OW. That would be so devastating! I hope you do consider stopping. If you are reading DR, I think that would help you to detach also. Please keep posting!!! Karen

[Puppy Dog Tails]

DMP,

I'm probably the single biggest proponent of "snooping" (intel) on this board, but only if it serves some tactical purpose, or helps provide a new, key piece of information which will help protect you or guide you in your decision-making. NOT if it hurts in your detachment efforts, or is done for titillation, or some sort of masochistic reasons.

What purpose is yours serving??

btw, there's nothing that says you can't go to your wife and say "Wife, I've changed my mind about us dating other people while we are separated. That was foolish of me to say that -- we are still married, and I would very much like you to honor your marriage vows until such time as we are divorced, and I, of course, will do the same. Will you please end your affair with him, and come back and work on our marriage?"
Puppy

[Doingmypart]

Well, I have some updated news. First, thanks to Karen43. I strangely am not devastated. Right now I am more pissed off. Not even so much about the A's but the lies after we had some serious talks that seemed so good.
Second, PDT the tactical purpose of my snooping has been key info about where I stand in our R. I have been using this as a guide in some decisions. Now for the update! I LOCATED OM1's WIFE! WOOHOO. I just got off the phone with her & she was not too surprised. She was aware of their goings on from years ago and was under the impression it was over too. So she was VERY happy I called and is going to "bust his ass" tonight or sooner. She agreed to keep me out of it all & use my intel against him. She is going to tell him she hired a PI and that is how she found out! So I feel pretty good about that. I was able to provide her with some details she will be able to use and seem as if she really did hire a PI. She thinks they has been going on far longer than I had thought. She apparently caught him emailing/calling my W (before we were M) So that sucks to find out too.
I am not ready to reveal my "hand" at this point to my W. I am still learning more and it is useful. At one point I plan to call her out and let her know all that I know. When the time is right. Or I may never do that if we can get our R back to a honest good loving real place. If that is possible?! Am I living in a dream world? Being too optimistic, or in denial? Not sure now, all I know is I love her deeply, love our kids and the family life we had. I want that back, and really don't know where it is all heading.
I would like to do what PDT said about me changing my mind, but even if she agreed, I think she would continue what she is doing. Mainly bcz she is so "out" of our R at present time. She "mentally divorced" me years ago according to her. So to her she is not being unfaithful, she is living a single life. Keeping my head up and focused on me & my kids for now.

[Doingmypart]

Last night was hard. Knowing my W was on a date that she would not return from until this AM. (still not back yet) All I know according to her knowledge is that she went out with a "person" to a "time sensitive thing" and that she would return today. I wished I was in a place to fool around too. I know that is not a wise move, but I want fun and excitement too. I guess my commitment, loyalty, and overall morals are just a bit different. I am seriously questioning her character right now. She has made some poor decisions that I think she would try to blame on our sitch and/or me and where I am re: depression and my communication and over all relationship skills with her. I know logically that I did not force anything but contributed to our current sate of our R. Just wanted to vent some more.

[karen43]

Last night was hard. Knowing my W was on a date that she would not return from until this AM. (still not back yet) All I know according to her knowledge is that she went out with a "person" to a "time sensitive thing" and that she would return today. I wished I was in a place to fool around too. I know that is not a wise move, but I want fun and excitement too. I guess my commitment, loyalty, and overall morals are just a bit different. I am seriously questioning her character right now. She has made some poor decisions that I think she would try to blame on our sitch and/or me and where I am re: depression and my communication and over all relationship skills with her. I know logically that I did not force anything but contributed to our current sate of our R. Just wanted to vent some more.

Dmp, I could have written that all too--yes, you and your depression may have contributed to R problems, (just like I'm sure mine last year did too), but there are about a hundred more positive ways to deal with a spouse's depression (getting a therapist involved would be my first choice) and having an affair seems like about the worst choice you could make!

Yes, they want to blame us, but it was they that have made the poor choices, not us. So even though I went through a guilt phase, I've realized it was my H that is messed up and making the bad choices. I have worked on myself and my depression which is the healthiest way to deal with this situation, and done what I can do. I've made every positive change my H wanted and more and he is still with the OW living the "single" life, so it's not about me I realized.

I struggle with the difficulty of not dating as well; I'm jealous that my H is getting the love and intimacy that I would like to be having, but I realize that would be against my morals and character and I don't think it would be good for me or something that would make me feel good about myself. (Plus I would question what kind of person would get involved with a married person too???) It's hard for me too, b/c all I really want to be is married and a homebody and I'm basically being forced to live as a single mom now!!! Karen