So I told H yesterday I dont think it's a good idea for us to keep trying to work on our M right now. I still want him more than anything, but it's not fair to me and I dont want to keep doing this. I told him as long as he has contact with OW and continues to only care about himself this will not work. When he is completly ready to work this out and give it everything we can try then. I'm tired of the rollercoaster ride! H claims he has not talked to OW since I got the last phone bill....we will see. I hope I'm doing the right thing, I know he has been trying and things are getting better BUT I guess I think he needs to completly break it off it's been 6-7 months with OW now and that's plenty. H needs to decide what he wants and stick to it.
alot has happend over the weekend. My in-law's got my really drunk, H was home with our son on friday night. SIL had a long talk with H while I was out with his parents. She basically told him he is a shitty dad and needs to get his crap together and man up to his responsibilty. She said H was very hateful, defensive and she didnt feel really listened. FIL also had a talk with H that did not go well at all (they are super close) so I was very shocked by that. H stayed at our house friday night for the first time in probably six months because, yes i was drunk. Still if this would have been a month or two ago he would have asked someone else to stay and he would have left.
Saturday morning H woke up crying. Said he had a good talk with his sister and she pointed out a lot of hurtful things that he claims he has never thought about. Said he is going away for a week to get away from OW and when he gets back he wants to move home. He said he will live upstairs, or with family but he wants to move back to our town. (currently lives about 30 minutes away in nearby town) I told him we have a lot to talk about first and we will have to agree upon some rules. First he needs to be done with OW! He said he wants to start being a better father. I'm still very upset about him taking a week off of work, and still a little worried that he may have gone with OW. I snooped yesterday....listened to his voicemail and there was a message from OW saying "I love you". Now H has told me their relationship is not like that anymore and they are just friends so wonder what that was about. On the other hand he did tell his sister he does not love OW but is having a hard time getting away. SIL said when he talks of OW now it's nothing like it used to be.
So the rollercoaster continues I guess. I would love for him to move home, but I dont think we are ready for that. I still dont think he is completely commited and i'm afraid it will really set us back. I'm not sure what the right answer is for us. I'm afraid he will still do whatever he wants and come and go as he pleases...I dont want that. I also dont want him to have any contact with OW, he told me has hasent called her a a couple of weeks but I dont believe it. What to do, what to do????
When H was told off my his sister, he was defensive, but he thought about it all night.
That gives me hope in my talks with WW. Defensive at the time, and I always wonder if she really thinks about what we talk about. Maybe they do. Maybe it has to come from someone else.
You have your rules in place. Of course he is still talking to OW. He may be calling her from somewhere else. You have your rules. Stick to them. He has to be as transparent as possible. Remember they all lie.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Havent heard from H at all today. Makes me really nervous that he could be there with OW!!! I really dont think he is BUT you never know. So today I was cleaning and came across a journal that H had wrote in while away for work training back in 2000. He wrote in it for me to read about what he was doing while he was away. We were only allowed to talk once a day for 10 minutes and then I saw him on the weekends. Anyway H went on and on about how much he loved me, missed me thought of me 24/7, couldnt stand being away, and we got engaged during this time.. you get my point. So all day I have been down....what happend to those times and is it really possible that he will ever feel that way again? I dont want to get back into a loveless M. Is it possible to have that again?
I'm also very confused about why he hasent called. I know this is time for him to clear his head, but if he wants to move back into our house next week dont you think he would keep in touch? I'm not sure we are ready for it either. I'm so confused on what to do. I want him here but at the same time I dont think he is ready and I dont want to go thru all of this again. Meaning him moving out, me being dissappointed. I know our son is young but he does understand a lot more of this than H thinks. As far as daddy not being around. It's been a bad day and I'm ready for it to be over!
I'm not sure we are ready for it either. I'm so confused on what to do. I want him here but at the same time I dont think he is ready and I dont want to go thru all of this again. Meaning him moving out, me being dissappointed.
You are wise to realize this. Hopefully he is ready, if not I do believe chances are high it could happen again.
Give him space. Live a great life with or without him.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
yeah H and I will have to have a long talk when he gets home about his intentions on moving home and setting some ground rules. I will not go thru all this pain again it's just too much. I'm so sick of thinking about it, talking about it and hearing about it I could just scream.
Had a long day at work today was such a nice distration to not think about this mess all day!!!!
I agree with ROOT, you're very wise to realize that both of you may not be ready for it. It would be an easier decision for you, I think, if you knew for sure it was over with OW. It seems to be based on what your SIL said -- or at least headed in that direction.
Stay detached -- don't let yourself get attached before you're ready.
Retrouvaille is highly recommended on this site. Have you thought about suggesting it to your H? Now is probably not a good time, but if you have doubts about fully recommitting, or doubt his intentions, it may help.
H comes home this evening sent me a text that he will be over first thing in the morning and is planning on moving some of his things home.....wait wait wait!!! I never told H it was alright and we have a lot to talk about first. so I'm a little nervous about all this but I know I need to stand my ground. H has a lot to answer to when he gets home before he moves back in!!!
H came over yesterday spent all day, went ok I guess. He told me he was ready to move back to town we talked about him living with his parents for a while and not here. He said his talk with his sister and going to Florida had really opened his eyes and he wanted "his old life back". started moving some things back yesterday. I asked him about OW he told me he still talks to her but not as much.....last time he told me he was not calling her. so of course that upset me.
this am he calls wants to come see our son, right before he pulled in the driveway I got a text from him that said "will b in interviw for a while. text me when u can baby. Love u hop u feel betr." BUSTED meant for OW!!! I left as soon as he got here. of course he wanted to explain I told him I didnt want to hear it and to go to hell. I sent OW a text telling her he was here and that he lied to her. Probably shouldnt have but oh well. Now what do I do?
Hi, Didn't get a chance to get on the site last night... Don't think that all is lost. Don't think you should not have sent that text message. I don't think you should even ask yourself if you should have or not. You were mad and angry and that was that. And I don't blame you. I know in the midst of my H's A, his lies seemed worse than anything else that I knew was going on!
So it seems that your H probably has more contact with OW than you think, or that he's been letting on. But you've had a chance to DB so you're in a good position to decide what to do next. He was all set to come home. Why would he do that if the A was not over? Perhaps he really was/is trying to end it. If he does, it will not be good for the A. OW will not like that one bit.
But if you're not ready for that, if you need more time, if you need him to prove his fidelity and trustworthiness to you, then wait.
On the other hand, if he's serious about coming home, he's got some serious hoops to jump through (starting off with NC with OW). Such as, he'll write a NC letter and let you deliver it.
I say follow your heart (which may not be easy with the torrent of emotions that you're going through right now!).
