Competing Against Fantasy Girl

[Barbara66]

Help! My husband of sixteen years told me 5 days after I had surgery that he didn't love me anymore, didn't know if he ever did and was just doing what was expected after 5 years of dating. Swore there was no OW. I found emails that there was OW and that he had spent a weekend with her when he was on a business trip. He met her on line. They are in the same "guild" (black rook hold) in the World of Warcraft (WOW) on-line game. I confronted him, he stuck around for about 2 weeks then moved out on our 16th wedding anniversary. He now lives with his parents. OW is in another state. He still calls, texts, IM's and communicates through guild mail with OW. (I just decided to stop snooping today...why do I feel the need to torture myself??) He has been here just about everyday for the past 20 days since he left. We have 2 boys who miss their father very much. We are going to a counselor, although he would only agree to counseling if we went seperately. He says he can not make me any promises because he loves the OW more than he ever loved me. He says if we cannot reconcile, then he will pursue a relationship with OW. I should hate him but I love him. He has hurt me more than I have ever been hurt and I still want him to come home. I know we can get through this and be stronger for it. He is so COLD and detached right now it feels like I may lose him, but I have all the hope in the world that he will come back to his family. Any advice? What should I do/not do?? Please help.

[Yoyowife]

((((((Barbara))))))))
I'm so sorry you are experiencing this pain. We all understand exactly the hurt you are experiencing.

First of all if you haven't read Divorce Remedy, do so soon. Right now there will be no talking any "sense" into him, so don't even try. Don't beg or plead for him to come home. If you have already done this (lots of us did) then just stop. He is sure he has found his soul mate. You will have to let time take care of things.

Do things for yourself, make yourself stong and attractive. Try to be calm and patient. I believe in prayer, it has gotten me through some very rough times. Also it may not hurt to look into a low dose of AD's. I did, and they calmed me down tremendously.

Get ready for the bumpiest, hardest, and longest ride of your life. It's not going to be easy. Come here to vent and read. You will find lots of support here. They sure got me through some rough patches.

Reading other people's threads help too, you will realize that you aren't alone and hopefully find advice and some ideas that you never thought of.

Hang in there, you are among friends.

[whatdidido]

You are in the right place, Barbara. You will find lots of support here. Listen to what yoyo said. She is exactly right.

[kat727]

Oh Barbara, I am so sorry that you are here but happy that you found us. I have been here just about a month but have been dealing with this situation of ours for almost 2 years. This site has helped to not feel so alone and that I am not crazy. Please feel free to read and I find it really help to make contact with other people on the boards. My prayers are with you and welcome.
kat

[runningoutoftime]

I know this is going to be hard, but you need to start detaching and "let go." Work on you and your own life. When he comes over every day are you there? Do you talk with him. Get new clothes that flatter you, put on make-up, look HOT, and when he comes over tell him you have some errands to run and leave. The fact he comes over every day tells me he doesn't really want to leave. My guess is he is afraid of losing what he has and until he realizes he may, he's not going to value it.

No relationship talk, no marriage talk, just be smiling, nice, and friendly... but keep it all on a friendship level. Don't ask for more. That's pursuing and you want to make sure you do NONE of that. When you pursue, he will run. Let him feel free.

Unfortunately, oftentimes, when the grass looks greener on the other side and a spouse believes this, we sometimes have to let them go. They have to experience it so they can see it's not so green, there's weeds there too. The reality is never as great as the fantasy they create or imagine. And if we don't let them go.... then they continue to dream about it, and blame us for keeping them from their happiness.

You don't want your husband coming back because he feels guilty or feels it's the "right thing to do." You want him coming back because he REALLY wants you, misses his family, and realizes it truly is the best thing to do.

So, next time he comes over leave. Be busy. Try avoiding him a little bit and see his reaction. Look closely at what behaviors, or things, make him "run" and what makes him sort of "come back."

This may take time. The only way you are going to get there is detach (neediness and sadness is a turn-off) and focus on becoming the best person you can be. Do some 180s. Now it's time to concentrate more on YOU than him. Do some fun things, go out with girlfriends, try to look for positives and enjoy those. (And believe me, I know how hard that is to get there!!!).

OW is in another state? Has he ever met her in person?

Hummmm.... so does he plan to move? Is OW going to move in with him? To me it sounds like his fantasy has a very good chance of becoming his nightmare.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Barbara,

I'm so sorry you're here, and for your pain. "Running" and "Yoyo" have given you some phenomenal advice here, so I won't add any -- just wanted to welcome you and let you know that you are FAR from alone in all of this.

I found out last summer that my wife of 22 years was having an affair with someone half her age. We have since reconciled. There IS hope.

Puppy

[Barbara66]

Thanks runningout of time. To answer some of your questions: I am here when he comes to see the kids. BUT, kids are S15 and S11. They are more concerned with playing outside with their friends. He usually ends up sitting in the living room, watching TV, eating my food, drinking my beverages, and sometimes moves to the couch to take a nap. I do try to avoid him when he is here, but then he follows ME around the house and wants to know why I'm avoiding him??? There has been no physical contact in weeks. I have not told him that I love him. Both of these are killing me! I have bought some new clothes out of necessity. I've dropped 35 lbs because I haven't been able to eat or sleep. Just now beginning to sleep and eat again. He has met the OOW. She came through our town while she was moving from MI to CT. He also was going to a Lobby Day in Albany, NY (for his job) and she drove from CT and met him there. I found the hotel reservation and noticed it was for 1 King bed and TWO adults (one was not me). He says they spent the night cuddling, no sex because of her "being on the rag" (his words) I then found emails, pictures, downloaded phone bills and found that he ordered her Mario Party 8 for a Christmas gift. She is 30 and goes to UCONN for graduate school. What 30 year old wants Mario Party 8??? Some of the emails make reference to her moving here (NY) when she is done at UCONN. She even counts down to their "fairy tale ending" in days. He has expressed in his email that he is "crazy in love with her" and he wants to "date her and court her and grow their love" He was calling her 7-9 times per day for 30-60 minutes at a time. That has decreased significantly. I am still checking phone bills, but otherwise have stopped snooping. The emails made me physically sick. I love this man with all my heart. I just don't know what to do, it has only been 3 weeks. I know this is going to take time. I have started going to church regularly instead of rarely (his mom & aunt go to the same church and we sit together sometimes), I have made some much needed improvements around the house (stuff that he should have done, but was too involved with World of Warcraft to care that stuff needed attention)I am exercising daily and making sure that my kids are number one priority. I am trying to hang in there. I want him back. I know that we can get through this. He is giving me no money, but does continue to pay the household bills from our joint account. I still contribute money to that, but have opened my own accounts and have been stock piling cash just in case. I guess you could say that I am hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. I'm just not in the right frame of mind to try and figure out what I need to do as far as a 180. I am trying the last resort technique, but that is diffucult because he is here almost daily. He leaves tonight for a golf trip (3 days)with his father and brother. He called me to ask if I could find his rain gear (I told him where it was....he just never REALLY looks) Now he is stopping here to pick it up before he leaves tonight. Then I'll be upset again, I'll want a hug, but won't get one. Everytime I watch him leave, it is like a daggar through my heart!!

[runningoutoftime]

>>but then he follows ME around the house and wants to know why I'm avoiding him??? <<

He's obviously afraid to lose you. I think you need to physically leave the house when he arrives. Just tell him, "Hey sweetie, have a great time with the kids, sorry I have to run, but I have some plans tonight...." Be friendly (even slightly flirty... like "I"m hot and I know it" and VERY HAPPY... remember confident sexy women are very attractive.... that's your 180!!!!.). Act like you have plans with friends (even if you don't. Just go stop by Starbucks -- or get a chocolate martini at a nice resturant bar -- and then go to the book store. That's what I used to do).

When he asks why you are avoiding him, just say you aren't trying to, but you are very busy, and you realize you need to move on with your life. Then maybe say something like, "It's kind of amazing how men sort of know when a woman is seperated. It's like they have this radar!!!!" or "You know, I never realized how attractive I am." Then LEAVE QUICK! Don't say this like you are trying to make him jealous, say it like you are just kind of shocked and surprised by all of this.

Hee hee!!!!

So... you lost 35 lbs. Good for you!!!! Have fun with that. Get some hot, sexy clothes and look like you've got plans and divorced girlfriends to hang out with. (This will really give him something to think of! Believe me, I was exactly where you are...).

Mario Party 8???? Oh brother.... Sounds like he wants to adopt a child rather than be with a woman....

Good for you opening your own account and stockpiling cash (if possible give that to a parent or some trusted family member so it's not in your name or social security number).

Maybe tonight it might be best not to be there when he gets there. Leave a nice note if you like, something like, "Hope you have a great time!" And put a smiley face and your name on the note (no words like LOVE!!!!). And then don't answer any phone calls or text messages if he sends you any over those 3 days. This guy needs to learn what it's like to lose you.

In the meantime, read about detachment on this website. Plan to spend lots of time reading relationship books, books about men (Like "For Women Only") and books about positive thinking.

I understand you love him and you want him back, but the wisest advice I received was to "give a lot of leash."

[Barbara66]

Okay. I made sure that I wasn't home last night when he came to get his rain gear. He left after that for the golf trip. No calls or texts today from him. I plan to be very busy this weekend painting my dining room. If he calls, should I answer so that the boys can talk to their dad? I'm thinking about changing the locks. I owned this house prior to marriage. His name is not on the deed and we have no mortgage. What do you guys think about that? Should I change the locks? He is giving me no money, but does continue to pay the bills (from joint account). He gets very angry when I ask him for money or if I ask him to buy something (like a veggie tray for my sons birthday party last weekend.) He flipped out over me asking him to pick up a veggie tray!! I bought everything else. He makes double what I make annually. Ironically, I'm the one with the college degree.

[Snow White]

Hey Barbara,

Thanks for visiting my thread. I can offer support but my advice probably isn't any good, nothing is working for me. How close are you to the Peace Bridge, we should GAL together and go for a coffee.

Neecy