you know B, his whole R is based on lies. This R will never last. I know that really does suck about if he ever has his parents meet her. But you know that they hold you in a higher place than her, and she will never fill your place.
If H asks why you didn't show up, I would act like it was no big deal and not make excuses about it.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I know things are so tough on you right now. Dealing with the in-laws is a complicated issue. Try and stick with your "happy" lists and not focus on the bad stuff. You might try to envision yourself 6 months down the road and know that you will be feeling so much better at that time! You will have Kendall and a very full and fulfilling life.
Take Care, --Chris
Me: 40 She: 31 S: 5 D: 3 Married: 8 years (05 DEC 99) Blow-up: 02 JUN 07 Piecing (More like Ostriching): 22 FEB 08
I don't know if this is really a good time to post this, but I'm on a email list and I got this today.. I posted part of it, it's written by a WAH who almost M his OW, but didn't and came back to his W later. Since I know you are a believer, I thought this could help you.
"Sadly, most married people who walk out on a spouse have or will become involved with someone else. The natural progression of continued dating is toward marriage. Even though your absent spouse may desire that illicit arrangement to continue status quo, I can assure you that third person is pushing and pushing toward marriage.
As a stander, please do not feel that your prayers have been unsuccessful or that you have failed in marriage restoration if your spouse enters a non-covenant relationship. You have failed only if you give up. It is our Lord God’s reputation that is on the line, not yours, and He will do exactly what He promised you, but in His timing and not in man’s.
Here are my Five P’s to help you when you are faced with your mate’s non-covenant marriage:
Pray - Learn how to pray for your spouse who is being forced into marriage.
Proposal - Remember, that other person most likely proposed marriage, not your mate.
Peace - Get the peace of God that He has your mate in His hand today, regardless of what words may have been mumbled to someone else. God is saying that you and your beloved are still married.
Purpose - Refocus your purpose in standing. Is it to get even with the other person and bring your mate home or is it so that all involved will come to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ?
Promise - Reclaim the promises that God has given you and hold fast to them. God never changes.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
ST - thanks for posts. I do know that their R is based on lies and the pain of others. It's hard for me to believe that he is happy or that she is happy. But, I always take the negative road. I'm working on changing that. I know that she is tainted in the eyes of my in-laws. It's just the idea of her mingling with my family that urks me.
As for not showing up on Sunday, no problem. If he asks I'll just say I was busy and chose to come Monday when I had more time.
I also appreciate the snippet you posted from the email. I found it very hard to believe that in 6 months time he is so sure of his choice that he left his W, tore his family apart, moved in with OW and took on the responsibility of OW's kids, and is eager to M her. I know that it is a possibility. But, it would make more sense that he found OW who would allow him to walk away from his wife and child, move in with her rent free with her children especially when she barely knows him, allow him to buy all the toys his little heart desires. He found a woman who seems by all accounts desparate to get M. Her baby daddy wouldn't M her (speaks volumes is you ask me) so she wants my H, at all costs. Whatever. I'm putting my faith in it failing. I just hope it doesn't get to the M part or any further than it already has. I've always felt in my heart that she was pressuring H. But, I could be very wrong. No point in analyzing it. I have no control over the decisions my H makes.
chris - really good to hear from you. I hope your sitch is doing well. I'll have to stop by and catch up. I'm working on the "happy" list and trying to look at the big picture and not every little detail.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
But don't bank your decisions on it. Above of all else put faith in yourself and the faith in knowing that YOU are going succeed. Let him fail...ensure you succeed.
I get about the in-laws. I'm there with you and the friends too...you're well aware of my current sitch.
My advice...accept it. Just allow it. I know it hurts, don't fight that hurt either..but don't dwell on it. Don't list all the reasons why it hurts and all the reasons why it's wrong and all the reasons why someone or something should make it right. Just accept it. I'm telling you the more you can look at this stuff and just shrug your shoulders...the better you will be. What good is all the other stuff getting you? This doesn't mean getting over it...that will only come with time. It doesn't mean not loving him. It doesn't mean that you think what he's doing is right. It just means your accepting it the way it is...because you can't change it. I know I keep saying it and I'm sorry if I'm repeating it again and again... I know you want to...I know you can. You're getting closer every day. When you make your happy list...do yourself a favour and take a close look at the things on that list. What are you doing to use those things to build more happy things? How are you dwelling on those happy things to create more of that in your life? Don't just make a list and go back to the misery...dwell on that list! J~ J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
hows your happy list? can't wait to see it, and it's something you should look at every day! have a good night
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Good morning everyone. Yesterday was a busy day. I hadn't talked to H since Sat. The childbirth classe started last night and H showed up. It was fine. We had to introduce ourselves and tell who we were, etc. I stood and said "Hi, I'm so and so and this is my HUSBAND so and so". I wonder if it was weird for him to hear me say that. It was kind of weird to say it. What I wanted to say is "this is my H who walked out on me to be with OW when I was 6 weeks pregnant". But, I didn't. If I had he would have left. But, I must say it crossed my mind. The class was pretty boring for H because it was a lot of anatomy stuff. I could tell he was getting tired and bored. But, he was a trooper. At the end we had to listen to a relaxation tape. He kept making me giggle because it really was kind of hokey. We left and spent some time talking in the parking lot. When we parted he gave me an awkward hug. It just felt really distant and odd. I don't know if he is to the place where I am just a distant memory and he really has NO feelings whatsoever for me or he just didn't know what to do at that moment. Up until last night he always kissed me goodbye. Maybe it was because we haven't seen each other in about a month. But, whatever it was it hurt. It felt wrong and totally unatural, at least to me. I guess this is the natural progression of letting go and he seems to be letting go of me just fine. So, now I'm just trying to deal with it. I really don't see any hope for us anymore. I just feel like his feelings, whatever he had left for me, have faded away. Unfortunately, mine have not. There have been times when I have asked God to please let me stop loving him that way. I know it's sad, but I can't handle know he doesn't love me and that he loves someone else.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
wow. he showed up? that is awesome. this is what makes me be as hopeful as I am for him. I really can't imagine anyone who seems to be so moved on to attend their "wife's" childbirth class when they are living with someone else.
I'm glad that you are starting to feel more okay with the present. I would try to convince you that you don't know that H has no feelings for you, but I think for now, you need to remove yourself as much from H as you can for just a while so you can continue detaching and getting your head in the right place.
On the hug, I'm thinking it's a majority of things, 1 it's been a long while, 2 you've been distant to him recently, 3. your getting a belly and I imagine your much bigger now than you were when you saw him last, and 4. I don't think HE knows how to act.
MHO
when ya gonna post your happy list????
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Yes, you could be right about the hug weirdness. It's going to be hard to remove myself from H between right now. The classes are every week. I did text him after he left that "I forgot to say thank you. It means a lot to me that he was there even though he was tired. Thank you" He said "ur welcome" and I left it there.
So, I think at this point, I'll just NOT initiate contact and have no expectations.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to put on my happy list. Things that will make me happy, maybe?
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
No....not things that WILL make you happy. Things that make you happy. What are you grateful for?
I would say the idea of the list is to look it as your 'glass'. It could be half full or half empty. Usually you look at the empty half...dwelling on the things you don't have or have been denied in all of this. The losses. Focus on the full half..., even if it's not quite half at this moment, there are good things in your life. Focusing on them is the only way to get more of them. Here...I'll start!!
- You are pregnant with a beautiful from God. You are going to be a Mother and there is nothing more wonderful than that! - You are a strong indepent woman who has spent the last 6 months taking care of yourself and getting yourself through each and every day while taking care of that baby inside of you and planning for her arrival. It is the strong and wonderful person you are that got you to this point. Be proud of yourself. - You have a wonderful family who supports you. I don't know about you, but this has made me realize how much I took my parent's and a lot of other people for granted and I now have a renewed appreciation for those people in my life. For that I am grateful. - Your H has not left the country...he wants to be a part of his D's life and that is a good thing...for Kendall. - You are rising above all of the craziness that he has created...he is still spiralling down, but you are moving up!
As long as you look at that list and don't add any "yeah but's.." to it...then the glass is half full.
J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
