Pregnant and heading for acceptance #1 Above is the link to my last post. I have reposted my last post below: Nik - our incomes are comparable. I make slightly more than he, but that's because he was demoted because he was spending too much time in OW's department during business hours (a few hours at a time talking and hanging out when they were both supposed to be working). I would have loved it if she were demoted, as well.
RWS - lots of great info, thanks. I'm praying that he won't want the responsibility of 50/50 custody. I can't bear the idea of he and OW raising MY D. I have even considered the idea of telling him I would take less CS if he would agree to 80/20 custody. Money is a HUGE motivator for him. I believe it is more important than his anything else in his life. There is no way OW will be at the delivery. I wouldn't have to "take her out". My friends, family and in-laws would take care of that, easily.
ST- yes, I texted him "thank you" and let him know I was at the hospital w/diabetes counselor. I haven't heard from him since.
FG - 1) I will need more money from him on the 9th 2) it would be an emergency if something was wrong with me or the baby 3) I'm actually very active. I go out with friends a couple times a week. May is going to be incredibly busy. I have a ton of "baby classes" to take, every weekend I have some kind of event to go to. Last night I went to the Angels/A's baseball game. We had a suite and I had a blast. Granted, it was a long night for a pregnant woman. But, worth it.
SO2 - I remember when that happened to you. I remember how devastated you were. But, I also see how effective it was for you to cut his ass off. The birth of our D IS a priveledge. But, I don't want to deny him that moment even though I feel so hurt and betrayed by him. I would feel like I was doing it out of spite. So, I am praying that he doesn't "f" me over somehow before. Because if he does, he'll get a call from me AFTER our D is born.
My H is two people, I have known this from the beginning. He is a good guy in a white hat, then he is a bad guy in a black hat. He has always jumped back and forth... white hat, black hat, white hat, black hat. There is no in between with him, really. I'm not sure why that is. Sometimes I wonder if he isn't mentally unstable. I swear sometimes I wonder if he's bipolar. Right before we separated, he started going to see a therapist on his own. He was immediately put on Prozac. He took it for 2 days, moved out and stopped taking it and stopped going to the therapist. I just don't know. He's had issues since he was in high school. His Mom and I have often talked about how he behaves as though he was abused. She has even asked him about it and he says he was not. As much as I despise him sometimes, I worry about him.
So, here is my decision on the child birth classes/delivery. I am going to stick to the original plan and allow him to take the classes with me. He is supposed to be my coach. IF he decides that he doesn't want to be a part of it, I have a back up coach. IF he decides he does want to be there, 1) I am going to make it very clear that he needs to be there to help me get through it and if this is not his motivation, I would rather have someone there who WILL step up be there for me. 2) I am still planning on having my Mother there, also, and 3) I will make my decision as to whether or not I actually want him in the delivery room when it actually happens. I can always request he not be there if I feel too tense or unsettled or upset with him there. I know this is NOT cutting off communication, but I am just not at a place where I am comfortable going completely DARK. Perhaps I will get there, but right now, it creates a lot of inner turmoil for me
Last edited by blindsided1; 04/30/0804:36 PM.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
oops, forgot to post on new thread, here it is....
B, I think you should still reconsider your decision on H being your support for labor. IMHO, I think you should not call or txt or bring it up. If HE brings it up, and says he wants to come, then wonderful. But I wouldn't even ask him. I know you don't want to let go of him, but you have to.
also, I'm glad to hear that you are keeping yourself busy. But with your comment to forest, (I think that was who) about your GALing activities, you've never written about that stuff before hardly.
I think it's really important for you to start sharing with us what your doing outside of H. I know this is a place to let all your anger and emotions out about our S, but in order to get past everything, we need to be focused on life outside of our S. You really haven't done that. Maybe instead of trying to stop thinking about H, try to talk MORE about what else your doing.
k?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Gotcha. But, sometimes I think you'll just get bored. So, briefly here is my week in a nut shell. Monday I putzed around after work doing chores, got home about 7:30ish. Tuesday I had diabetes counselling, work then off to the Angel's game in the evening. Wednesday (oh that's today)- work, then to the car dealership to leave my car for service, grocery shopping for my new special diabetes diet (oooh exciting and time consuming). Thursday - work, pick up car afterwards, run errands. Friday - work, IC. Sat - My nephews 1st Communion, then his little league game, and cooking dinner for family. Sun - cleaning, in-laws are in town so I'll probably spend the afternoon/evening with them. So, that's it in a nutshell. Not too exciting and probably not what you were expecting. But, this month of May is going to be busy, so I'll have lots more to post about non H related events.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
I think I am caught up. Again, if I missed something let me know. I am getting to the point where this stuff is blending together. And with your post lock coming on I am switching back and forth.
#1.. I don't think you have the time needed to plan and implement a LRT. 3 months ago sure.. now.. not so much. So at this point we are left with Going Dark.
Now.. Why would you go dark? To me the most important thing you could do right now is send a message.. a clear one.. that this is unacceptable. Again.. I have stated what he is doing is the ultimate foul. Don't think that I am letting that play into my recommendation for you. I want you to work it out. I want you to have a full and happy life. The last thing I want for you is for you to be a single mother. Trust in that.
Now I have said many times.. "People only listen when they want to." I hope you are ready to listen. What I am going to suggest is going to "feel" wrong. Everything about you is going to fight you. Thats why I asked do you have "busy work". You are going to need it. Lots of it.
Now.. I am a "Drama Queen" and I will say what I think. If you make the commitment and follow thru you will gain something from all this. Don't take what I say personally. Argue with me, show me why your way is better. I will respond to that.
So DB'ing is all about goals..
2 things come to my mind in your situation.
#1.. You need to build some small connections.
#2.. Your husband needs to move toward you a bit.
So with that in mind..
Off we go...
#1.. Go dark completely. I would like to see you do this for 2 weeks.. but we have the 9th coming up. You will need money. I would like for you to have something in place to force that but you can't really implement it that quick.
No communication. Disregard it all. Email, Texts, Phone calls.. All of it. No Communication. This sets up you saying "I don't agree with what you are doing". You are setting a boundary. This is strong DB'ing. Your boundaries are where it starts the quicker you create them the better off you are. Again the message needs to be "I want none of this". At the same time the flip side of that is he will have to face.. this was his choice. Like they say.. For each action.. there is a equal and opposite reaction. RWS is on the fence with this and I can see her point. To me he needs to show some interest first. Then we can adjust. This needs to be a "business" until the "partner" shows some money.
Now.. regarding the money. I want you to fake it a bit. You need to impress upon him that you are willing to take the next step.. actually I can see a white lie that you may have done that. No more are you going to put the money in the bank.. but ask is the money there? If the answer is no.. ask why not? If you get some gibberish.. reaffirm it should be there yesterday.
In the background of all that I really think you need to look at taking the next step. Have those papers ready. I think just being pregnant with his baby is enough. (RWS would know). Having those papers will give you some backbone.
I really want you in a pointed position. You are no where close to that right now. A pointed position has 2 outcomes. It either works or it goes the other way. What it does is makes the situation predictable.
Example.. Going Dark..
He moves away.
He moves closer.
Very simple.. and it left you in control. This was a decision you made for you.. no matter the outcome.
He is doing the same thing to you and you can't see it. Moving closer can have many faces.. they are easy to see. That "Face" I can help you with.
He moved out.. ILYBNILWY.. Whatever.
You move closer.
You move away.
OW.. Maybe pregnant. Engagement.
You move closer.
You move away.
I will give you 2 guesses which way you went. You should have been doing the opposite of what you did. That's DB'ing.
You should have smiled and waved your fakest wave. You should have helped him pack and delivered his stuff to her house. You should have cheered him on in the new pregnancy. I don't care how fake it was.
Instead you chased him down the street yelling "you can't do this".
Now.. how do you stop it?
I have a habit of answering my own questions.
The opposite of what you were doing is a good place to start.
Are you game? Can we fake it till we make it?
If so.. read the signature..
It's all up to you. You have to call it.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I do have a question though. and the only reason why I think B should go dark for a little while is only for her sake, not for the M. and because (sorry B, but) I don't feel she has DB'd truly this whole time either. maybe some of the time. but I'm not sure it's going to get any better, so going dark will maybe help her get over her dependency of H.
okay, here's my question. If going dark is suppose to be setting up boundaries for him, then what does she do after going dark if he doesn't "move closer"? if she's setting a boundary, it would seem like she would have to continue going dark, otherwise the boundary/consequence has no meaning. am I reading that wrong? or what would you suggest? just curious. thanks
Blindsided, thanks for sharing your non-H things with us B. true, not exactly what I expected, since it sounded like you were just making a list for a class that you don't like.
When you talk about H, you have a lot of emotion attached to it, (of course, I know) so what do you think you can do to start getting some emotion attached to the non-H things you do? and it doesn't have to be sad emotion, it can be uplifting, like your nephews 1st communion. or the Angel's game you went to.
Do you understand what I'm getting at? It really hit me this week about how much time your H has/is consumed your mind. I believe if you can purposely start fixating yourself on non-H things that are positive, like the 1st communion, and start sharing about those kinds of things with more passion, then your desire and dependency for H will lessen. just MHO.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
"If going dark is suppose to be setting up boundaries for him, then what does she do after going dark if he doesn't "move closer"?"
She set the boundary. She says "this is not what I want". She does not want a man that chose OW. Ultimately.. she will be better off. I.. nor anyone here wants to "force" someone to "Love" them.
Of course she will have to stand behind the words. DB'ing is never about saving the marriage. Its about doing something different and hoping you win. "Icing on the cake." All the mods will agree with that. This.. is the only way she (blindsided1) will win. She will be better. She will learn. Sucks it has to happen this way.
"if she's setting a boundary, it would seem like she would have to continue going dark, otherwise the boundary/consequence has no meaning."
Is that not what she is doing now?
He set a boundary.. I am leaving. She chased him (drew closer).. Again "you can't do this to me".
He adjusted.. I have OP now.
Long story short.. she is still chasing him. Please come back. You can't do this. We have a family to think about. What are you doing. Where are you when I need you?
"am I reading that wrong? or what would you suggest?"
No you are not reading it wrong.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Ah ha - just realized you have a new thread. I'll copy my posts over from your old one.
RWS - if she doesn't hate me by now, I don't think B has it in her to hate you.
Blindsided - you're so great about understanding that even the very painful stuff you read here is all coming from a place of caring, support, and love for you and Kendall. I don't know if I've mentioned that lately.
OK I could swear I saw a post from you earlier about all the stuff going on this weekend - because I went to reply and tell you it's FAR from boring, and it's one of the best posts I've seen from you in a very long time. It was all about you and doing healthy, happy things for you. Am I losing my mind, or did you delete the post? (PS: now I see it on your new thread. And I still think it is GREAT!)
I agree 100% with everything RWS, ST, and Forrest have posted, so I won't bother re-stating it all. I really hope you re-think the coach situation. Plan that he won't be there, and it'll be a nice surprise if he shows up. I would hope he wouldn't be stupid enough to bring OW but... good idea to have a plan in place just in case. He has been unbelievably dense and insensitive before.
One small thought with the going dark - I agree, who cares if he gets pissed off, and it's sure not going to make things WORSE. I thought RWS offered great responses to the situations/questions you asked about.
One thought - if you're having trouble forcing yourself to ignore his "how r u feeling?" completely, at least work on being as brief and vague as possible. Maybe wait a few hours or even a day, and write back "feeling good thx." That's it. ------------------------------ I forgot to mention... I don't know how much you followed my thread in the past or how far back you might have read, but you'll see that some of the greatest, most positive times - the times I felt best and the times people were really rooting for me - were in hindsight some of the funniest, most "boring" seeming things.
I was flying high on the pride of hanging blinds and repairing the toilet myself for days if not weeks. Seriously. I can sit here now and think about it and it makes me smile. Yes, a toilet repair!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I know Forest hates when I do this... but I'm in a hurry and wanted to answer you.
Ok. So, if I go DARK. No texting him about the Doctor appointments or what's going on in my life or fishing for conversations, right? ------>that's a yes and a no. I say DO tell him in advance about Dr's appointments because you do NOT want to alienate him from your child's "life" and give him any cause for custody issues if GF pressures him. However, I would make it simple and if you can EMAIL him, that would be better. Something like "Dear Getyourheadoutofyour*ss, I have an appointment on X day at X time. Signed, Yourwonderfulwifewhohasaheartofgoldfornotcasteratingyour*ss.
What if he texts me and asks me something about the baby or a Doctor visit? Do I just ignore him? ------->No. Answer him ONLY to his questions on the baby. Nothing else. If he says did the appointment go well. You say "yes". Do not give him any more information.
That seems pretty harsh. -------->Oh my stars (and I mean this with love).... what's harsh is his living with another woman and playing like he has another world and you all are going to be ONE big ole happy family!
Or do I answer it and leave it alone without trying to prolong the convo? ------>BINGO!
What if he texts "how r u feeling?" which he does from time to time. Ignore it? ------->YES
Wait a few hours? ------->Delete it
I'm not sure to what level I am supposed to cut him off. I HATE it when he ignores my texts. So, wouldn't I just be provoking anger in him? I don't think that is what I am supposed to be doing? Is it? -------->so he gets angry? What could that do? Make him leave you and go live with another woman? (sorry, but I have to be blunt right now). What you want to do is to show him YOU don't NEED HIM.... You need your own independance and you need to learn that right now it's YOU and this baby. He "may" come around... He "may" not... but you have to be prepared to know it's just you. You do that by going dark. It's a very hard concept to grasp and it's VERY scarey to start... but when you do it... 1)the feeling is wonderful 2) they start wondering WTH is going on and they press more and show up more....
Remember in HS you always wanted the one you couldn't have? Have you ever played hard to get? If not, now is the time!
M: 39 H: 40 D: 12 S: 9 Married: 10 years Together: 11 years Dday- March 14th, 2008 Bomb-I don't love you-Easter 2008
Currently-living in same home, slowly working back towards a marriage.
The going dark goes well with everything but the baby. She can't go dark with that because if she did and he decided to push the issue with a FR attorney- she could be in a heap of trouble.
My suggestion was to ONLY email him and say I have an appointment on x day at x time. That's IT. She HAS to give him the opportunity to attend these appointments. Why? Parent Alienation syndrome. (PAS). If he shows, great- if not- she's told him and she can't get into trouble. IF she asks her "how" the baby is- she has to respond. Again, I would say "baby is fine". Leave it at that. IF he asks how "she" is doing- I would ignore. But she can't ignore anything questioned or asked about the baby. SUCKS... but if his GF ever decided to push the issue of this and sucker him into it.... it could come back and get BS1. I hate to say it, but often times than not the "OW" does this. Especially if she doesn't have a child of her own.
M: 39 H: 40 D: 12 S: 9 Married: 10 years Together: 11 years Dday- March 14th, 2008 Bomb-I don't love you-Easter 2008
Currently-living in same home, slowly working back towards a marriage.
"RWS is on the fence with this and I can see her point. To me he needs to show some interest first. Then we can adjust. This needs to be a "business" until the "partner" shows some money."
I am on the fence when it comes to the baby, he does not have to show an interest. BY LAW, he is the father and BY LAW he has a right to know about the health of the child. If she ignores his questions/texts/calls about the baby, then he can tell the Judge "your honor, this woman has tried to alienate me from my baby even from the time she was pregnant with diabetes and I had not clue on how my baby was thriving". Since CA is a no fault case, the Judge isn't going to "care" WHY she did it, but that she did it. With CA being a strong joint custody state with one parent being a primary- this could hurt her.
SUCKS Dbing when an infant is involved. NOT impossible to Dbing but almost impossible to go dark when it involves the baby.
She "has" to tell him about the appointments, she "has" to allow him in at delivery, so when she goes into labor she "has" to tell him I am in labor. He may or may not show... but she can't keep that from him. If she did.... I can hear it now in court "Your Honor, the mother refused to have the father present at the birth of his child". MAN... that would suck big ones for her!
What she "can" control are her answers. He asks how the baby is, she says "great".... nothing more. He asks how she is- she ignores it, deletes the text. She Emails the appointments and time. Now that he has the appointment and time, she does NOT have to follow up with how it went.... LET HIM ASK but again... answer, "apt was fine". If there is something to be of concern by the Dr, you ask the Dr to write it down for you and then you email him and say Dr says this. "xxxxxx". If he calls to inquire, you leave it alone/disregard. If he was that concerned, his ass should of been at the appointment you had already told him. But telling him you have to do. Expanding on it, continuing the conversation- you don't.
M: 39 H: 40 D: 12 S: 9 Married: 10 years Together: 11 years Dday- March 14th, 2008 Bomb-I don't love you-Easter 2008
Currently-living in same home, slowly working back towards a marriage.
