Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[steve477]

Hi CBK,

Sorry I havent been here with you.

Alot has happened in a weekend, took me 2 days to catch up.

You read my sitch, can you see the similarities?? W becomes distant, W wants to be `just friends` with you, W cant look you in the eye... etc...

Its going to be OK.

Dont worry about the snooping, we all do it. I still do it now and again (I am not mentioning this on my thread as I will get a roasting! lol)
Dont worry about the OM. Your rational side has to realise that you cannot force you W away from him! You can only draw your W back to you. You have seem on my thread things have really perked up recently, but OM is still about. Got to let it go.

I know you probably spent too much time thinking about OM and A. I did too, still crosses my mind now. But dont do anything about it. Dont expose, dont set boundries, I think you are like me, in that you are not strong enought to stick to your guns yet. DOnt try and find OM. I actually told my W over the weekend, that ever cell in my body wants to rip OMs head off. (strange to tell her that hey!) BUT my head belongs to her, and I would never go to him for revenge, as I know she doesnt want me too. Same that she wouldnt want me to fight with anyone really. If the time comes that OM hurts her, or she decides he is a `bar-steward`, then gives me `permission` to go, then that would be great. I want to do as an act of protecting my family, not protecting my pride.

You will get there.
If you think the timing is right then press certain things, in a joke at first.... `you havent looked at me all night? Do I have a zit or something?`

Timing is everthing. Do you have things that you wish you hadnt done or had waited to do? Of course. So just be calm and patient.

Oh and the WWJBD? You are thinking about it in a way that implies JB REALLY wants the girl. Think in a way that implies indifference.... let it go and move on. (the moment, not your W!!)

I am going on holiday until next Monday. I will check before I go. I want you to promise you will not do anything drastic in the meantime!!!!!! Just do nothing is best if it gets too much.

Oh and Sandi? Means alot to hear you call me `your boy`! Glad I could make it this far, wouldnt have without you!

Cheers

Steve

[ernest88]

Hi CBK,

Sorry I havent been here with you.

Alot has happened in a weekend, took me 2 days to catch up.

You read my sitch, can you see the similarities?? W becomes distant, W wants to be `just friends` with you, W cant look you in the eye... etc...

Its going to be OK.

Dont worry about the snooping, we all do it. I still do it now and again (I am not mentioning this on my thread as I will get a roasting! lol)
Dont worry about the OM. Your rational side has to realise that you cannot force you W away from him! You can only draw your W back to you. You have seem on my thread things have really perked up recently, but OM is still about. Got to let it go.

I know you probably spent too much time thinking about OM and A. I did too, still crosses my mind now. But dont do anything about it. Dont expose, dont set boundries, I think you are like me, in that you are not strong enought to stick to your guns yet. DOnt try and find OM. I actually told my W over the weekend, that ever cell in my body wants to rip OMs head off. (strange to tell her that hey!) BUT my head belongs to her, and I would never go to him for revenge, as I know she doesnt want me too. Same that she wouldnt want me to fight with anyone really. If the time comes that OM hurts her, or she decides he is a `bar-steward`, then gives me `permission` to go, then that would be great. I want to do as an act of protecting my family, not protecting my pride.

You will get there.
If you think the timing is right then press certain things, in a joke at first.... `you havent looked at me all night? Do I have a zit or something?`

Timing is everthing. Do you have things that you wish you hadnt done or had waited to do? Of course. So just be calm and patient.

Oh and the WWJBD? You are thinking about it in a way that implies JB REALLY wants the girl. Think in a way that implies indifference.... let it go and move on. (the moment, not your W!!)

I am going on holiday until next Monday. I will check before I go. I want you to promise you will not do anything drastic in the meantime!!!!!! Just do nothing is best if it gets too much.

Oh and Sandi? Means alot to hear you call me `your boy`! Glad I could make it this far, wouldnt have without you!

Cheers

Steve

CBK--I am in the same place you are. Detach if you can..peace will come over you if you can detach. I know it's hard in the same house..I am still home too. Do not give up hope. I am here to support you brother. You will be OK.

Let her go. Get the L after you receive the filing from her L. You do not have to rush. I'm praying hard for you. You stay strong and don't backslide.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Why I feel the need to play fair, I have no idea.

I don't either. But I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better this morning, CBK. God is good, and won't allow us to face anything beyond which we can handle.

Puppy

[CBK]

Thanks Steve, MFT and Puppy,

I was totally twisted last night, and still am this morning. On my way to work, I was going through all the scenarios.

1) Do nothing, and begin to detach from W
2) During MC, ask what our goal is here since we are not working on the R - W just wants the elusion that she is working on it - so why are we in MC?
3) Tell W that since she is not playing by the "rules" - contacting L, contacting OM - I am not going to play by the rules and expose A. I am letting her live her fantasy without any consequences.

I know which on Puppy will vote for ;-) but I am really trying to figure this out.

As for L - I feel as if I need to protect myself, what landminds are out there that I should be weary of? I know she wants me out of the house, that isn't going to happen - but what if I do something stupid (I know I am leaving myself open on that one).

I did get up the AM, W did say good morning. When I left, I said good bye. She is having dinner with one of mutual friends, so I get to play with the kids - maybe go hit the movies or something.

I have got to STOP playing the victim, this I get, my mood swings are vicsous - and if you would have read what I read, you would think there is no hope... Hope is what I have been holding onto, hope is slowly slipping away from my fingertips.

[CBK]

Thanks Steve, MFT and Puppy,

I was totally twisted last night, and still am this morning. On my way to work, I was going through all the scenarios.

1) Do nothing, and begin to detach from W
2) During MC, ask what our goal is here since we are not working on the R - W just wants the elusion that she is working on it - so why are we in MC?
3) Tell W that since she is not playing by the "rules" - contacting L, contacting OM - I am not going to play by the rules and expose A. I am letting her live her fantasy without any consequences.

I know which on Puppy will vote for ;-) but I am really trying to figure this out.

As for L - I feel as if I need to protect myself, what landminds are out there that I should be weary of? I know she wants me out of the house, that isn't going to happen - but what if I do something stupid (I know I am leaving myself open on that one).

I did get up the AM, W did say good morning. When I left, I said good bye. She is having dinner with one of mutual friends, so I get to play with the kids - maybe go hit the movies or something.

I have got to STOP playing the victim, this I get, my mood swings are vicsous - and if you would have read what I read, you would think there is no hope... Hope is what I have been holding onto, hope is slowly slipping away from my fingertips.

[john210]

CBK,

Just caught up on your lousy night. Glad to see you are hanging in and that you kept your composure.

This is none of my business....where is she writing this stuff that you read? I fight the snooping bug quite often myself.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

CBK,

Forget exposure for now; it sounds like that's a dealbreaker for you anyway, and it's distracting us from the broader points. You need to do SOMETHING differently than what you've been doing, SOMETHING to throw her off center and "shake the tree."

I would suggest considering one or both of the following:

1) Seeing an attorney, for a broad consultation to merely discuss options and potential threats to you -- preferably one who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody matters (which you should be doing anyway), and let her know that you did (but without going into any detail; just saying "to better understand what we're facing, and what some of our options are. I felt I needed to protect myself");

2) Discontinue MCing, as it's rarely effective when one of the spouses is in an active affair anyway. Let her know that you'd love to go back and address ALL of the issues in the marriage -- including yours -- when she ends her affair and comes back to work on the marriage. Consider continuing to see a good IC, just for yourself;

The way I see it, she's not "in" the marriage right now, and you have agreed to unilaterally disarm and rely on, and trust, someone who does NOT have the best interests of your family at heart right now, that being your wife. Until she agrees to come back and actively be "in" the marriage again with you, you need to protect yourself. That protection is financial, it is legal, and it is emotional and it is spiritual. I'd suggest you come up with a plan to button down all four of those areas, and then just focus on YOU, as your wife decides what it is she's going to do.

We're here to help.

Puppy

[ernest88]

Thanks Steve, MFT and Puppy,

I was totally twisted last night, and still am this morning. On my way to work, I was going through all the scenarios.

1) Do nothing, and begin to detach from W
2) During MC, ask what our goal is here since we are not working on the R - W just wants the elusion that she is working on it - so why are we in MC?
3) Tell W that since she is not playing by the "rules" - contacting L, contacting OM - I am not going to play by the rules and expose A. I am letting her live her fantasy without any consequences.

I know which on Puppy will vote for ;-) but I am really trying to figure this out.

As for L - I feel as if I need to protect myself, what landminds are out there that I should be weary of? I know she wants me out of the house, that isn't going to happen - but what if I do something stupid (I know I am leaving myself open on that one).

I did get up the AM, W did say good morning. When I left, I said good bye. She is having dinner with one of mutual friends, so I get to play with the kids - maybe go hit the movies or something.

I have got to STOP playing the victim, this I get, my mood swings are vicsous - and if you would have read what I read, you would think there is no hope... Hope is what I have been holding onto, hope is slowly slipping away from my fingertips.

CBK, it's ok to have hope but you must be realistic also. Our W's may not come back, they may not work on the M. Does that mean that you and I are going to rollup in a fetal position and not be able to function?? Naw, you and I are big boys. we are the hero's in our sitch's. we are working our asses off to be better people, be better at R's in general whether they be R between lovers or freinds. We are learning from our past R mistakes. Our W's are all caught up in their "stuff" right now. we can't do anything about their "stuff"..

Exposing the A is up to you. I don;'t know what I would do in that sitch. I can't offer advice. I can see PDT's point and I see the others points also.

Nothing wrong with seeing a L and protecting yourself. Being relistic is being proactive I believe. You can see one when you have to answer her filing. That's what I did.

We are not the VICTIMS, WE ARE THE HERO's. We are the ones gutting it out in the trenches fighting to keep our families together..Keep your emotions in check, they are your worst enemie.

if you bring up what you mentioned In MC-I bet she will say she is doing MC so you can remain friends after the D.

[CBK]

Thanks M - went and read your thread as well.

I think where I am right now is to work on detaching from W. I think this is the healthist thing I can do. As much as you all have told me to, I now have to really figure out how to do this. W is totally detached, that is what is making me mad I am sure!

I know I will be okay, the B was dropped just over a month ago, I feel lucky in some ways as I found this site relatively quickly - that may be good and bad. Bad in the sense that it is taking me longer to get through the emotional roller coaster - I need to hope off that one!

The only think I know about the A is that she is still connecting with him emotionally - as long as that is going on, there is no us. A good friend basically said he may as well be in your house using your toothbrush - horrible visualization, but his point was well taken.

It will be a long and winding road, lots of turns and u-turns and a lot of hills I am sure I will backslide down. I thought I was getting ready for battle in some earlier posts - I am at least getting a bit closer. Last night was a wake up call about how much work I need to do for me and my kids.

As for L - I do feel as if I need to just get advice. Custody isn't a big thing as our kids are 19 and 20. I will start making copies of our financial information for my own records. I am sure W has done this as well. I just want to be sure I am protected and that I don't do something stupid - that is all. I am not about to draw up papers or ask that we have separate checking accounts - that is my last resort.

The only good thing about crying is that my stomach muscles get a work out - may get a 6 pack if I keep this up!

CBK

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I will start making copies of our financial information for my own records. I am sure W has done this as well. I just want to be sure I am protected and that I don't do something stupid - that is all. I am not about to draw up papers or ask that we have separate checking accounts - that is my last resort.

Hi, CBK -

It's not YOU we're worried about doing something stupid. It is your fogged-out, wayward wife. I would absolutely recommend firewalling your financial exposure here. Your attorney may also have some thoughts on this.

Puppy