I need some advice...h and I are still together...but for the last almost 2 years, I just kept feeling like something was wrong, and sure enough, my inner voice was right..but even worse then what I had even suspected. here it goes..I kept feeling like h had at least a EF, well, I dont even know now what it was; he admitted to having feelings for a co-worker, which at the time he told me she was 24, h was 41 at the time. Ok, I still felt strange, so I still questioned him, he told me last week that she was the one who came onto him, I got angry with her (all the pain we went through as a family when he left us), so I told him I was going to find her myspace...I did. I wrote to her, telling her how much pain she had caused our family...the funny thing is this; my h had no idea what I wrote to her, and while we were waiting for her response, he said she would probibly say bad things about him...hum, I thought that was stange.. Well, she replyed back alright...she said she was being sexually harrassed by him (she was only 21 at the time, and my h was her boss), she said she cared and listened to him becasue he was her boss, but it was only one sided (she didnt ever have feelings for him), she went on to say that he would always call her (this is even when we were back together), she called the police for a restaining order but never filled it out), she was afraid of him and her family was too, and she even screamed at him when he last called her... Crazy huh??? I feel like I am re-living everything all over again....he is hurt she said all that about him, he still is saying that she is the one that hit on him and he refused. He even asked me one morning as we were waking up, if I thought he sexual harrassed her, I said, with you being her boss, and she is only 21 and you crossed lines by even flurting with her, yes that is considers sexual harrassment...he got very mad and defensive...which he does alot of that these days.. I dont know what to believe. Sex is alot with us, has been since the 3 weeks after he left. But he has a hard time keeping an erection, and he wants more and more excitement in bed....he wants me to do more daring things; he says that he wants me to be submissive...he tells me he is very much in love with me and will never leave me again... What do all of you think of this? I am still in shock, I have worked sooooooooo hard on my marriage, and now I feel I dont know if I even know the man I am married too???
I am going to journal here again... It is a safe place to do it, and I am only in a desprate need of it.
I am going to start working on me again; my PMA,GAL all of it! I have found myself dwelling on things I can do nothing about. I did fix my hair today, make up is on and now I can feel good about how I look! I will not question h when he gets home from school (going to college)...and I will be sweet and up beat! I will not mention the past or even allow myself to think about it. One day at a time, and I think I am ok for now. I will also not work all day on my H's papers for school all weekend. I will make sure I have time for me...JUST ME! Ok...now I said it...Now I have to do it...
Liz, I wanted to reply because I am in a precarious sitch with my H and his OW. Sometimes I feel like a pariah around here ...
But I do have those days/weeks when I feel the same way as you, we've worked so hard to get where we are, but I at times I feel like I don't know the man I am married to!
If the co-worker filled out a restraining order but never filed it, she must not have been that afraid of him. Sounds fishy to me. Not sure where she is coming from, but perhaps she was pizzed off that you contacted her and said what you said ... classic (but childish) retaliation.
I'm also struggling with who was the instigator of the A for my H. I always assumed it was OW (she's had several of A's), but info I learned this week indicates otherwise. However, this info came from OW and she LIES THROUGH HER TEETH! But my latest quandary is what I should do with this info.
I'm undecided but part of me feels, it's in the past. The A is over. Does it matter who instigated it? What's done is done. Let it go. Knowing who did what will not change what happened. We've been working on creating new memories, so let's keep on trucking...
You may never know the truth of your H and the OW. But you do "know" him -- do you think is capable of such harassment? I think his comment about "she is probably going to say bad things about me" indicates that he realizes that she is a somewhat volatile.
Thanks for posting! I will go to your stich and check it out.
I have never known my h as sexual harrassing anyone. But he does have a problem with lieing...which he has been doing for almost two years now (when this all started). I do believe there are two sides to every story, and you are soooo right, I may never know who did what.
My only fear now is that he is attending college with young girls running around...But he keeps saying that they all think him as being "old" and egotisic..which he sure can be...that is for sure!
I am going to check out your stich..I will say hi while I am there!!!
Hi Liz, It's great to hear from you again - sorry that the circumstances are not better. Here's my two cents for you...
First, I'm glad you are back, and I hope you will stick around. Piecing is tough - I'm sure you'll hear that same message from SD. As nice as it would be to say "OK, we're back together, life is great" - well, a M takes constant work, forever. That's not good news or bad news, that's just the way it is. (Ideally, we could all have learned this lesson without going through the pain of our almost-D sitches! But we didn't, all we can do is pick ourselves up and do our best from here onwards.)
Second, it sounds like you may have backslid a bit from your GALing and PMAing and such? Don't do that, Liz. Remember, that was for YOU, to make yourself happy. If it helped restore your marriage, that was a happy side-effect, but the bottom line is for LIZ TO BE HAPPY.
So, if you have eased up a bit on those things, there's no time like the present to get back in DBing High Gear. You deserve it!
Third, as far as what really happened with H's co-worker. FWIW (not much), my gut says he probably started this, just because that's the way it usually works from my personal experience. The real reaction of sweet young things when approached by an old guy is more often how you spoke of the college girls - as in "you have GOT to be kidding, old man!"
HOWEVER, the bottom line is that it simply does not matter who "started it". Even if she came on to him, totally out of the blue - who cares? The thing that matters for your R is H's actions, not hers. And sorry to say, he has been crossing the line.
So, my question is not "What stupid things has he done that led up to this point?"
My question is "Now that he's put himself into this spot, what is he going to do in the future?"
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Nice to see you again but wish the circumstances were a bit better.
BUT! Piecing IS hard. Sometimes I feel it would have been easier to get a D, but I carry on.
I agree with Rob's question but would put it slightly differently - What are YOU going to do and what is your H going to do to move forward from this spot?
The sex ... if you're not happy with your H wanting you to be a bit more daring you need to say so, but in a loving way.Maybe suggest you go a little slower.
And backsliding from GAL and making yourself happy - I have been guilty of this of late, it's easy to do. But a healthy R needs that bit of slack where each partner can do things apart but then come back together, refreshed. My M certainly needs that, it helps a great deal when I look at making my own happiness rather than basing it on H's actions.
Liz - I am glad you've posted. Keep doing so. I do as sometimes I need to be led back on track.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Thanks sooo much for posting...I wanted to come on this weekend but h was here and everytime I would go on the interent, he would pop up and ask what I was doing...
I kept my pma up...yesterday was hard, h brought up the subject of us stop smoking, I told him as soon as I can get into the doc. and get some zanex (not sure how to spell it) he knows that I have been having a hard time with all this information about him and the young girl, I have been honest with him about how much it hurt me and how insecure I am about how old I am (she was only 21). So what does he do yesterday???? He says that I am 51 and that I need to stop smoking cause I dont have much time left...our now 15 year old D was sitting right there, saw how it hurt me, and said "dad, you dont say that to a girl"...I could not help but break...walked towards the bathroom..crying and he came after me saying how sorry he was and that wasnt what he meant... Then last when we went to bed...(he finally didnt loose his e); but then he couldnt fall asleep, I felt something wrong, told him he could have my side of the bed..he was thankful, but still he toss and turned, I rubed his back..asked if he wanted me to rub his head (it helps to relaxe) he said, he was fine and not for me to "fuss" over him..I responded by saying that he needed to make up his mind, he just told me that he loves the atention I give him..and loves that I have broken my "independeance" and now I am fussing over him...he said that he didnt want to hurt my feelings (I guess that he was being gentle about how he told me not to fuss)...well, he did lighten up and played around (ticled me etc..) and said that he had pains in his chest..I told him it was gas..and that I do have some nursing exsperience and that he should of just told me what was bothering him in the first place..he agreed and soon he was asleep.
This morning he was at first a bit distant (but he does have a speech to give at school today) I kept my pma up and helped him find stuff... and then when he left he kissed me told me that he would score for me at basket ball (yep he took basket ball with all those young kids..and boy does he hurt from it).
I dont know, sometimes I just wonder about him...how could he just put everything in the past so fast...and act like nothing ever happened? And be so mean at times??????
I really need to know about this second bomb???? How do you know that it is about to happen? Is there signs like the first one? And why do they do it????
I guess I am at home today..work didnt call, so I will try and come on alot...and get my head in the right place...I am working hard on not dwelling...hard for me, but I know I can do it.
Love ya all And thanks for all your loving suporting words!!!!I know I can do this with all of your help!!! Liz7
Well, I have been on the boards alot today...trying to catch up on everyone..
The one thing I have noticed is that our once walk aways who come back don't seem to have to much remorse..and that they need time to heal too. I guess I have been a bit selfish and only thinking about me and my hurt. And with it came all the back-sliding on my part. So today when h gets home I will be nice again..not faking but really caring to him, besides I hate the insecurities that have poped up into my life because of having to re-live all this again...back on track and I think I will go for a walk before he gets home...that has always helped me in the past.
Thanks to all of you with being opened and sharing your stiches, I really am not toooo old to learn..LOL
As far as putting everything in the past so fast, I'd worry about that. If you don't work through the issues, they'll come back to haunt you. Did you feel satisfied that you worked through things together?
I think one thing many of us here in piecing are afraid to do is have those R talks with our WAS. If you feel things aren't quite right between you, have you talked to him about it? As far as his moods, maybe he's worried about what may happen with the OW? Or perhaps this has just brought up all the old issues with him, too.
Guess I don't work today...they didn't call; but that is good cause my h is in school and now I get to come on here today!
Thanks for posting Joie; yep you are soooo right about bringing up the R talk. I have been doing it little by little for what seems like forever now! When I talk to h, sometimes he is really opened to it, and then there are times when he is not; he does get a bit defensive at times. And I think about his moods, well he is very confusing: Let me share here a bit....the other night when I said that he was tossing and turning?? and then he was closed up in the morning...well listen to this one...when he got home from school he was just toooo sweet..and then he told me that he loves when I fuss over him...and that his words "he is my baby" and he loves for me to mother him...see, he just is so confusing at times!
Yesterday when I got home from work I worked on his project for school for a few hours..and he worked on his speech he is giving today...I was totally exchausted and hurt my knee earlier..and when he came to bed he never made any moves (not normal for us, we have been like bunnies in bed for the last year and a half)...well this morning (I messed up, but I guess it was ok today), my h is getting ready for school (these days it takes him longer to get ready then me) and he is spraying tag on himself)...it only triggered old memmories and when he asked me how he looked, I said (bad me) you look good and you even got tag on..so I am sure you will get all the young girls attention that you are wanting...he said no liz, I just want to look good for my speach..I said, men dress for woman..he than asked me for a hug and kissed me, told me that I am the only one for him and that he doesn't want any of those girls at school, he only has eyes for me..I say, ya, and I am older and better in bed! he said, yes, but it is your love for me that I charrish...awww so cute.. I did mess up, but for some reason he didn't get mad and he left saying he was excited to come home to me!
You see my h loves to what he calls test the "love meter"..this is something he has always done with me (before he left me) so I guess I should be happy about it...but it is soooo hard to know what he is up too at times! MEN...can't figure them out at times at all!
But all and all, I have been doing really well...staying up-beat and I do believe that I will recover from this recent blast of the past!
