At a crossroad

[irisheyes13]

Hello every-one

I haven't posted for a while for various reasons but am now in need of some advice.

Here's a quick summary of my sitch

Aug 07 - H give me the I never loved you speech-not been happy for years-had a EO going on with some-one at work- H moved out that day-came back a few days later to tell the children-basically was a pure evil b******. Compared me to the OW-planned on having reversal of vasectomy to start a family with her blaa blaa blaa - I don't think any of you need a crystal ball to see where this is going.

Sept 07- Found DB - started applying the principles and got my dignity back. I think around this time H was dumped by OW
I spoke to DB coaches who kept me on track with goals which helped me with the bigger picture during the dark days when I could see no light at the end of the tunnel

around Nov started to see a change in H's behaviour-b-came flirty around me and interested in the changes he saw in me-anyway long story short - we have been sleeping together at least once a month since nov 07.

H always goes dark after event and distant for a few days-than TM me to say what a mistake it was and it should never happen again

Meanwhile we are friendly enough about childcare arrangements and general chit-chat.

I treat his mood swings and rollercoaster emotions with slight bemusement or indifference.

He say's he is jealous of my ability to move forward-asks me things like how can you be so happy?

2 weeks ago he asks me if I mind if he starts dating again? Although hurt I said that we both have to move on


Last weekend he asked me round to his place for a few drinks and usually we end up in bed
As Michelle says 'change what doesn't work'

So I reminded him that he always regrets it and that it hurts me that he regrets it so I declined.

He sent a TM saying that he was confused as he still wanted me but I obviously didn't want him any more!!

We havn't had any R talks since Feb-he backs right away at the mention of it

I confused now as I'm not sure if I did the right thing??

I would be grateful if any-one could give me their opinion on it

This is harder than anything I have ever done in my life and sometimes I feel so detached that I wonder if I do want it then other times I feel so passionate about saving my marriage- does any-one else question themselves ?

Thanks for reading

Mandy xx

[Bworl]

Sounds to me like your refusing to sleep with him created a disturbance in him.

Disturbances always have after effects. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Think of the aftermath of an earthquake if you will.

So you were nice to him when you declined his offer. I would suppose that you have created a good disturbance in him. It sounds like he doesn't like the thought of you moving on happily.

The whole sleeping with a wandering spouse thing always mystifies me. Some can do it, some cannot. Personally I would not be big on exposing my health to a spouse who could be doing who knows what with who knows who.

My take is that he has seen you moving forward with peace. It disturbed him. He reached out to you with an action he felt sure you would not resist - sleeping together. When you decline that, he is now quite confused. Now, in his mind, it's possible that you're not hanging on every little interaction with him.

I personally think that's a good thing.

And it's a REALLY good thing if it's something you did naturally, not something you did to provoke a response from him.

Stay the course. As long as he's away, as long as he's wanting to date others, he's not interested in the marriage. I always considered myself a package deal. You get all of me or none of me.


Blessings,

Bill

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Listen to EXACTLY what Bworl posted.

Here is my take on your questions:

This is harder than anything I have ever done in my life and sometimes I feel so detached that I wonder if I do want it then other times I feel so passionate about saving my marriage- does any-one else question themselves ?

It is isn't it? The hardest thing, God I hope it is the hardest thing cause otherwise, if something is harder I think I'll be surviving it missing body parts or loved ones.

Your dettachment works for you AND against him. You found it, you found what others here seek so long and hard for, and now that you have it, you aren't sure you want it. It's your armor. It allows you to be you, it is your control of the situation. The LBS Always had the power, it was always the LBS choice and you have discovered that.

That you are still passionate about your marriage, even just at times means you still want it. So keep control, set the boundaries and live your life.

You will have a choice to make, and that is if YOU want him, the way he is, back. Or if you can wait for him to get out of MLC...on his own. Or maybe later if you move on.

It is all your choice now.: ) Congrats.

BTW, good to see you again Irish.

[peacetoday]

I
I agree with the others
Not sleeping with him keeps you in your power
and he wants that power
they want us to stay connected to them thru this- they cant let go
they want to do as they please while we sit home
and I think the dating question was just bait
and you answered so perfectly lets move on
truth is he has to as he is being pulled toward this tunnel
he cant stop it..not unless he faces himself and therapy
and he cant understand your indiiference or ability to seem truely happy
he doesnt sound done with you
peace

[Lissie]

I always considered myself a package deal. You get all of me or none of me.

Excellent.

Bill you are becoming quite the show off.

[irisheyes13]

Hi there every-one

Thanks so much for your input-i really appreciate it

Bill-I think that him starting to date some-one will be a good thing in the long run as it will open his eyes to what he has at home-he will realise that the grass isn't greener just different. The EO he had was just that and she didn't leave her husband. He hasn't been seeing any-one since. He lives like a recluse-interacting only with myself, the children and work.He has been on anti-depressants for about 6 months.

Jack-Hi there again- you explained the confusion of detachment very well, now that I,ve got it I'm not sure i want it?? What freak's me out about it is that if I'm not fighting for the marriage and he definately doesn't want it then it's a lost cause and there is no hope-it just so hard to drop it.

What I've been doing is reminding myself what a good man he was prior to all this crap. He was solid, dependable,strong man who was dedicated to his family.

I know he is full of self-loathing for himself.

Peace-Thanks so much for dropping in-I've read your posts and I do see similar traits that my H has in your H. Part of me was thinking that the dating question was just bait also. I've gone through every worst possible scenario in my own imagination so I've faced the worst of it inside my head so i'm able to keep my emotions in check until i'm alone - as the song says -the first cut is the deepest-so i don't think anything will hurt as bad as when the bomb was first dropped .

This site is like a oasis in the desert-it has really helped me more than I can say -the wisdom and support that every-one gives each other is fantastic.


Thank-you so much again xx

[peacetoday]

I
We have to let them go thru this
while no guarantees , there is always some hope
you seem grounded and your H is depressed nothing will fix that but him..they look to all these surface ways to become content
dating, trips, spending, new friends..
everything but going within
really taking care of themselves and growing or finding faith
nothing else will work
I am so grateful, I am finding my way
I can look myself in mirror, be there for the kids and practice unconditional love for my wayward Spouse
peace

[irisheyes13]

Hi every-one

Here's a update on my sitch

H called last night to ask me to go for a drink-ok as long as no strings attached ie. he didn't expect to ML

Obviously he had a few by the time we met so having nice time laughing and talking-being very affectionate and loving towards me but know he is just trying to get into my pants

then he whispers in my ear that he loves me!!

I ask him in what way? As mum to his kids or in a romantic way.
Didn't really get a straight answer.

Then he's back on the rollercoaster-crying about what he's gave up-back to feeling me up-crying.

My heart really does go out to him as he is so confused.

He said I never had time for him when we were together- there was always other people to see to-we have 3 children and a large extended family who are always calling by,coming to stay or on the phone-he said he wanted me-just me-without any other distractions but I always was busy with other things.

I know now I did get my priorities wrong and will do things differently in the future-I told him this

H phoned this morning-I've always kept my cards close to my chest and don't mention my intentions to save my marriage so decided to be brutaly honest with him - yikes!!

I told him I was still open to trying to save oour marriage -I could see how we let it breakdown but I felt that we were worth fighting for.

But only if he truly wanted it not just because his new life didn't work out

He replied that when he told me he loved me last night that I didn't say it back-and that he didn't think that I loved him-I reminded him that the last time I told him that I loved him he told me I was desperate {I was-it was when he was leaving}

He said he wasn't sure about working on the marriage and that he needs to think about it


Anyway he goes on to tell me that he has been on a couple of dates with some-one but it was making him more confused as he feels guilty because of me and he does't want to hurt anyone else

H is typical of other MLCer's on this boards as in he has never expressed himself emotionaly-his dad died when he was 10 and his mum leaned on him heavily for emotional support.

He has often said during this crisis that he has never felt properly loved

My question for any-one out there is should I tell him that I love him

I know I took a gamble and I cried when I came off the phone but I kinda feel liberated.

Thanks for stopping by-any advice would be greatly appreciated

xx

[irisheyes13]

Hiya

H also asked me this morning if I had met any-one or gone on any dates myself- I was totally honest with him and said I had no interest in dating at the moment.

He says he feels responsible for my happiness and this is preventing him from moving on-I told him the only person responsible for my happiness is me!

Feel very confused and aggitated about it all to-night

Know the best thing to do is be still and give H space

That's what I'll do - again!

[One Day]

Hi Irisheyes!

Thanks for stopping by my thread- I really appreciate it. I can't write much now, but will post this evening. My feeling is that MLCers need reassurance while they're confused, but maybe you can show him love in some way rather than telling him.

What's his LL?

Will stop by again later. I love the being still and giving him space plan, by the way!

((((hugs))))

L.xx