I"m about ready to kill either the kid or the canine. I think I'm just under the weather and they're both driving me crazier than usual.
Haven't heard a peep from the X about his potential move. Haven't heard a peep from him at all actually. I guess he'll know pretty soon. I'm not comfortable in my mind or my heart (thanks, chappy) about how S15 is going to deal with his daddy moving away. And it isn't a matter of if he moves, but when, he is seeking jobs pretty agressively I've been told.
Well I can only help S15, and stay out of it. Not my bidness.
I am really struggling today with some bad memories of Mother's Day.
Three years ago on MOther's day, XH gave me some gifts that I had hinted at, a really hateful card (that I couldn't understand the motive), and some last-minute wilting flowers from Target. X That night, we had arranged to go see a play with S and some friends, and walking out of the play, he yanked his hand away when I tried to hold it.
8 days later I got the bomb.
I am really down today, and I guess I needed to get it out.
I feel like a fraud over here in surviving most of the time.
Okay, so I've been trying to do some "neck down" work getting out of my little bit of self-indulgent blues there...
S15 walks in and says, "oh, BTW, DAd is in the top three for that job he applied for." I asked S how he felt, he said, "kinda glad, really." I couldn't get him to elaborate on that, so who knows. I followed up by saying, well, it is human to have mixed emotions about stuff like this. I do.
Interesting huh. Wanna take bets on when/if XH tells me? I'm guessing not till the moving truck has pulled into their (formerly "my") driveway!
I'm feeling a little better. Needed to do something physical for a bit, I guess.
There are certain days it seems when all the hurt and anguish that we thought was already behind us comes pouring back in to play.
I feel like I have begun to learn that those days are out of our control. They do not reflect on our personal strength nor on our satisfaction with our current life. They just are.
The unexpected abandonment and betrayal by the one we once pledged our life and love to, particularly when years have been involved, is one of the most traumatic experiences that anyone will ever face. I can only think of one or two things that would be worse. The devastation that was brought in to our lives thru their actions was enormous.
That we can be here today writing about happy moments at all is nothing short of miraculous and a clear sign that we are strong, vibrant human beings.
You are still, and always have been, an amazing and caring mother.
The actions of a sick man do absolutely nothing to change that.
The beauty of our lives today is that we no longer have to allow those people to contribute in any way to our sense of self.
Happy Mothers Day.
Your children love and adore you.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Okay, so I've been trying to do some "neck down" work getting out of my little bit of self-indulgent blues there...
S15 walks in and says, "oh, BTW, DAd is in the top three for that job he applied for." I asked S how he felt, he said, "kinda glad, really." I couldn't get him to elaborate on that, so who knows. I followed up by saying, well, it is human to have mixed emotions about stuff like this. I do.
Interesting huh. Wanna take bets on when/if XH tells me? I'm guessing not till the moving truck has pulled into their (formerly "my") driveway!
I'm feeling a little better. Needed to do something physical for a bit, I guess.
I think you have to get yourself to a point where you don't give a damn if they tell you anything, you hear from them or if they are still alive. Once you are in that place, everything else is pretty easy!
the board is called 'surviving' not 'survived' hon, it's a constant process sounds like you have an awesome son, happy mother's day!!
Thanks, cat, sweetie. As a recovering perfectionist, I need constant reminders of this sort!
Okay, summer term started Monday night. I'm teaching an accelerated 8 week course, 2 nights/ week, 3 hours/night, to 60 graduate students. It is supposed to be a graduate "seminar". With 60 students. hahahahahahahaha. I am already behind.
Plus, my computer went kaput late yestserday afternoon. I'm working on S15's now, but it is in bad shape too, so any way you look at it I'm going to have to spend time on computer repair.
So, I sent an email today that maybe I shouldn't have. It was a follow up to a good, business-like information email to XH regarding S and upcoming S "issues." But XH, in his reply, misunderstood something that relates to a parenting "difference" that has developed between the two houses. So I used that opening to give my opinion. This was probably okay, but I got in just the tiniest dig about differences in priorities! I shouldn't have, at least as far dig. But this myth of coparenting seems to me to imply a certain amount of exchange of ideas and opinions. And I think some of their "parenting" priorities are silly. So we'll see what X's next response is. If I went too far, he probably won't reply at all!
Oh well, two steps forward, one backward.
McGyver gets his staples out tomorrow. We are all so tired of hearing him scrape that plastic Elizabethan collar against his kennel that we are ready to scream! What a life.
Yesterday was the three-year anniversary of the bomb. To me that is probably the most significant of the painful anniversaries, because my life really did change immediately and, as it turns out, permanently, after that day.
I took S15 to school, and spent a little bit of time composing one of those never-to-be-sent letters to XH. I included the good things that had "come out of it" as well as the painful and harmful things. I didn't spare him my assessment of the morality of his behavior and that of new Mrs. XH. It felt necessary.
Then I just spent the day putzing on small projects around here that I wanted to make some progress on. You know how when starting clean-up projects, the house tends to look a whole lot worse for awhile, before it begins to look better? Well I'm still in that phase at the moment. Went to a meeting last night. Had pancakes for supper with extra syrup!
All in all, I'd say it is the least painful and most forward-feeling of the anniversaries so far. I can really say that I had no urge to actuallyy call XH and say anything like "do you know what day today is?" That in itself is huge, at least for me.
I'm grateful for the good that has come of it, not least of which is the caring and sensible advice I've had from this board, from the DB philosophy and from Michelle's books.
Tonight is a girls night out: we're going to see a local production of Cabaret. I've seen it several times before, including the Broadway revival. But I love the balance of sadness and decadence--it's definitely an adult story though, so I'm glad S15 is with his dad this weekend.
No dates on the horizon, although I'm noticing lots of eye contact and smiles from the single men at the meetings! Hope springs...
