emotionally sep. but living together

[daybyday]

not wanting to be exclusive, but i wanted to start a thread for those who have been bombed but still live under same roof. probably not many of us out there but misery likes like company so come aboard post your sitch and we can compare. heres mine
Junior Member


Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 7
Loc: missouri 3 months ago i got the ilybinilwy speech. wife came to me and said she just wasnt happy. married 17 years. me, 42. w,37. s,5. she suggested counselling. we have been 5 x. she has admitted that she has not been trying to working on marriage, just going through motions. we are still under same roof. she kisses me hello,goodbye, etc. also said she wasnt as attracted to me as she once was. i had gotten lazy with many things but have since lost 40lbs and am trying to better myself. wife has been stayathome mom for 5 years. half of her wants to work on marriage, half doesnt. guilt is the half that wants to. we talked sep. but after a trip for the weekend away from her she wasnt ready for sep. she cringes at any talks of our r. she has taken up weightlifting for the past year and just competed in first figure competion. she seems to be really full of herself and really lacks compassion, not only towards me but everyone. she says she feels like an alien has abducted her. cries at shows or movies about love. me and son took another trip and when we got home she told our counselor she missed me. she said she was kind o srprised that she missed me. l asked, what do you want? she says she doesnt know. also says she is waiting for me to do something to change her mind. she says its just going to take time, counselor says 6 months to year. she says she just feels numb, like she has built a wall around her. i am confused. how do i detach from her and still be loving. i know i am smothering at times but have gotten better. i said she seems happier but she made it clear she was just relieved that she got all this out in the open. i hate living in limbo. i almost wish i hated her as it would be easier. she says she hates living in limbo too, but at least she has some control of sich. she has said that i am too controlling. counsellor pointed out to her that she is responsible for feeling controlled. i do not have chains on her. she says her biggest fear is going through counsel,etc and she ends up not wanting me. what is going on? any help please. how do i proceed? i can give more info if needed. appreciate any and all posts. p.s. no affairs(that i am aware of)
i have read d r. it is practically my bible. its so weird. some times my wife acts like all is ok. this morning she rolled over and touched me on the shoulder and said good morning. last night when we went to sleep she said, kiss me goodnight. also, when me and son took trip, she called couple of times. she asked what we doing and i just said, going out. both times she said, stay out of trouble. which from her means, a little jealousy that i may talk to another female, which didnt happen. anyway, one of the reasons i am where i am today,according to her, is that i didnt show her enough affection. so now i am faced with dilemma. stop pursuing and maybe she thinks that i am same person. not showing affection. ever since the bomb i know i've been clingy. its hard to back off, but i have gotten better. its almost like she is enjoying the fact that she has power now and shes not ready to give it up. dont get me wrong, we both contributed to our troubles. i dont know, maybe she waiting to see if my changes stick. its sad when you kind of dread going home because i really dont no how to act. eating used to occupy time. now, i am dieting and doing great. i definitely need another hobby. also, earlier innthis whole thing my wife filled out questionnaire about her hierarchy of needs. number one was physical attraction. i didnt think she was that way but maybe thats what shes waiting for. i have about 35 more pounds to go and then tone. it kind of angers me that she would be so shallow but you cant deny her feelings. we both agreed we need to spend more fun time together. but she will not say she is ready to work on marriage. mixed signals galore.once she says she is ready, i'm sure we can work it out. its just getting to that point. i am happy that she hasnt left but very angry and hurt that we are in this position. crying has becoming a part of my life now. before, hardly ever. it is amazing how this turns your life upside down. unless you have been through it, which we all have, others have no idea of the pain. i dont mean to whine as many of you have it worse than me. i guess i'm just venting. your follow up posts mean alot. please keep them coming.
its amazing how after having bomb dropped on you, every little thing w does or doesnt do is magnified and over analyzed by me. my moods are so effected by her moods. i know this is not healthy and will be my biggest obstacle to overcome. also after 17 years of thinking that a family does all things together, i have learned that we each need separate activities and interests. its hard to detatch when you feel spouse slipping away. we went to dinner last night as a family and all that kept running through my head was, not much to talk about, mood seems tense etc. whether my perceptions were right, i dont know but thats how this thing is messing with me. i try not to call her from work but everytime i get back in my work truck i check my phone to see if she called. if she didnt i start feeling down,and the cycle continues. granted everything at home such as dinnertime, watching tv, bedtime is all probably the same as b4 bomb but now i think, is she avoiding me, etc. i go to the gym 3 days a week but i need some new interest. also some ideas to add some excitement back to our marriage, as my w agrees we need to spend more time together. needs to be fun activites. notvromantic stuff right now. not a lot of friends which was also problem. still kissed me goodnight, goodbye this morning, but nothing is the same after you hear i fell out of love with you or i'm not as attracted to you as i once was. right now i would need to hear her tell me she is "in love" with me before my cloud would lift. but how long will that take? i gotta be my own person or i'll never make it through this. all help appreciated. thanks

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[cat03]

she is still home and undecided, a big plus! I know this is still very hard, to be in this sitch after so many years of M when you thought things were alright. BUT, please, don't despair, don't let your desperation push her out the door, there are tons of things that can be done to help this sitch.

If she works out too why don't you go to the gym together? take a class together (weightlifting/yoga/ballroom dancing, go biking, running, etc etc), do something like that at least 1x a week, take a initiative and sign up for something you can both do. Plan a weekend out to go cannoing/skying. Go to outdoor concerts, special events in your county, if you spent most of your time eating I'm guessing you guys didnt' do much outside.

You are in this position because of a lot of things, and sometimes this kind of conflicts help a M to bond and be renewed, to change what was not working, sometimes we fall in a routine and we think all is fine when it really is not. USE this situation to make your M even better, no more crying, you have tons of hope here, she is there, she says she wants to work it out.

Find that confident person you were before you M, that man she fell in love with.

but nothing is the same after you hear i fell out of love with you or i'm not as attracted to you as i once was. right now i would need to hear her tell me she is "in love" with me before my cloud would lift. but how long will that take?

You can bemoan your fate or roll up your sleeves and decide to fight for your M. You want to wait for things to get better on her own, for her to just snap out of it before your cloud lifts, chances are, your cloud might prevent her from saying such words. You love this woman right? then fight for her, you have qualities she loved when she met you, be that person again, stop walking on eggshells and read too much into her words/actions.

[daybyday]

thanks for great advice. it was so long for someone to respond i kind of gave up on this thread. so thank you for taking time to read long post and respond.

[CBK]

DBD -

Hey, thanks for checking up on me. As you know, we are in the same boat, but my WAW has had a PA, that even adds to it. In fact, my IC said think about what has happened:
1) Your W asks for a seperation
2) You want to work on the M
3) You find out W is having an A
4) You still want to work on M
5) You live under the same roof (for us, in different rooms)

He said this is a recipe for emotional disaster. And I have been living that for the past 2 months now. My biggest realizations is that over the past 2 months, all's I have done is push W further away from me by the constant hovering, crying, emotions, etc. These are not characteristics of a strong person that your W would want a R with. As my posters keep telling me, man up - I didn't understand this at first - but am starting to. It is okay to be emotional, just do it when you are alone. From what they tell me, as we learn to detach (another foreign word to me), these times will get further and further between. This weekend was better for me, I am hopeful this week will be a good one. As for detaching, that has by far been the most difficult thing to do, as well as GALing because we have constant reminders right under our roof. But as Cat says, this is big advantage to us. And the fact that your W still sleeps with you and kisses you in the AM and PM, man, that would be heaven. So I would thank God for what you have now, and start on that path of personal renewal. Another big revelation for me was when I said "I need to find time for myself, not give W space, but time for me" You are the most important person right now and need to get strong emotionally and physically. Easy for me to say, and you know my sitch, not easy to do. As they all tell us, this will not happen over night, it won't be easy and it still may end up in S or D, but the main thing is that you will be okay no matter what.

DBD, we are alike, we love our WAW's completely and are willing to go the extra mile to do this - just remember that actions speak louder than words (or cries). You and I need to be strong, need to step up to the plate and become attractive again to our W's. You can do this, I can do this. We need to keep pulling together. We know some days are pure hell, as are some weeks, but remember that you have baby steps to work toward.

Keep the faith my friend.

CBK

[nyhopeful]

Great advice by CBK.
Be the best man a W would want. Strong, independent, and confident. Remember, it takes time to sell your new product, particularly after years of showing a different you. Be patient and consistent. Don't lose the weight for her, do it for you.
You also must be mentally prepared to truly let her go.If you love her, then let her go. True love does not have requirements such as being with you or even loving you. This is a tough concept but, if you live it truly, you will be on top of the world and on top of your relationship with W. She will see it and feel it.

M 55
W 54
s 29
S 27
s 24
bomb 5/07
moved out 8/07
now dating wife

[cat03]

ny, you hit it on the nail. The changes should be mainly for you, so, that no matter what happens you become a better man.