I wanted to start a thread here in MLC to discuss the issue of snooping.
I know its considered a no-no in DB land however I would be interested in the honest thoughts of others.
A quick bit of background about my sitch ( readers digest version) W had a PA 10yrs ago. Admitted it to me and said it was ended. I later discover its still going. Got fully involved , confronted OM etc, his W found out (indirectly) . A ended. No Dbing , never heard of it , our R rocky ever since , some great moments but mostly not so good. About Sep 06 , I recognise the signs . Dec 06 I get the We should Separate. Feb 07 I get DR and start really trying to save M . No evidence of A but I strongly suspect due to behaviour. Jun 07 . A ends and I get a confession. One week later A appears to be on again. A week after that W leaves home, leaving me with the Kids.
My opinion is that if you think there is an A going on, had the ILYBNILW speech , talk of S or D then its highly likely there is another person involved and an EA at least. During this time its better not to snoop as it will not change anything and what you find can be very painful. ( been there )
But what happens later as you start turning the corner? There seems to be this long period in limbo where the sitch stalls , often when separated. The anger is gone , there is no talk of D , no more threats to get valuers in or talk of settlements and Lawyers and most interactions are friendly at least.
My take on this is that it’s a time of reconciliation and reflection. Out of this reconciliation may come a desire to re enter a relationship or otherwise.
It’s a time of testing, the WAS testing the LBS to see if the changes they see are real and if they will stay on this new path they have found, perhaps wanting to return to the R but afraid it will all just turn out the same as before.
The LBS starts to look at the WAS and question themselves. Do I really want them back, have they changed, will I be able to trust again?
The whole issue is about trust , the WAS needing to trust the LBS that they have changed and the LBS having to trust the WAS that they will be honest and have changed as well. Both parties not wanting to invest in an R to have it fall apart once more.
The WAS Tests the LBS by pushing buttons , coming closer , backing away . Not on purpose I think but almost on a subconscious level to see if the negative behaviours of the LBS reappear under stress. I am assuming the LBS has taken Dbing to heart and done the work.
So how does the LBS test the WAS ? Initially I think its by seeing if the actions back up the words. Is she of he doing what they say they were going to do. Is there really no contact ? Quietly checking or snooping is a way to confirm that the WAS is being honest at this early stage even pre piecing . As they prove themselves then trust is built and a strong R can be formed.
So in my twisted logic I think snooping can help the healing process along.
Hi I like your post Im not sure I know exactly what you mean and im no expert our timelines are similar..my bomb in feb seperated in june 07 I think if the was is coming back..how do you know? unless they tell you seems they are always hanging around like you said hot and cold testing ect I get that too but H never actually says anything still doesnt really want to talk about where this seperation will lead? I think if was comes back..some kind of C is really needed or as we have read by other s threads the return may not last or A will continue b/c was hasnt faced their issues.. snooping i dont know..I think many might say it is ok at this point to know the truth the WAS has to really committ again and if A continues chances of reconcilliation must be slim peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I think if your H is not wanting to talk about your separation or progressing towards D , but at the same time is not indicating any thoughts of a reconciliation then he is at the very same stage as my W.
The very easy answer to this is they dont know what to do. They are going backwards and forwards trying to find a path but just cant figure it out.
This is where you need to be very patient. If you are like me at all then your path is not so clear either . It may take a long time for a WAS to recommit if they ever do. My point is that at some stage the LBS needs to test that what they are saying is actualy the truth. If the LBS can gain some trust in the WAS by doing this then the path to reconciliation could well be smoother.
Oh and I am no expert , I tend to learn by making mistakes , all of them
I love your post and the progression of the MLC'er
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
CK I was just wondering after reading your post again and your reply what makes you think that WAS is considering return when they are in Limbo and not progressing toward D I ask this b/c it seems many MLCers are in this position they dont want to come back and many wont file for D either unless OW/OM is pushing for D some do file, but eventually seems like the mlcer/WAS will file although it seems to take some years Its hard for me to read my WAS/MLCER although he visits frequently and wants to see kids, he also frequently seeks me out to talk ..sometimes he calls we have some very conversations and interactions in fact, our R is much better now than while M..I have learned to allow him to be who he is and accpt him..he likes this one foot in each world He keeps his OW out of picture and I really dont know what he is doing/where he is living or how serious any R may be. My kids have never met anyone..My kids sleep here only next week we are going to talk..I asked him for this talk b.c I need him to let me know what he is thinking and if he is in the same spot as before..I assume he still is peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I'm not sure what I can add here, but I thank you for your posts. They fit my situation too, to a large degree. I don't snoop, and have no idea if OM is in the picture, or was. But your point about limboland is so true. W said she wanted a D in December, but aside from a few general emails about settlement in Jan/Feb. nothing. We haven't seen each other in five months, and only exchange one/two sentence emails about dogs, and recently about taxes. So, here we both sit. Neither of us eager to talk about D. Each of us will have the legal right to do so come end of May, but I will be out of the country from mid-May until July, so I can't do it. She hasn't talked about it even though I agreed to the D in December. So, she could file right now based on what I told her then. Is this strange, or fairly "normal" if I dare use that word?
