OMG Here we go again!! What Have I Done??

[water2moon]

Just when I start to feel better and more secure H goes and messes it up for me. Today he started asking me questions about school and made comments about if I find a better job making more money I'll be happier and more financially dependent.Last Night the OW sent him more texts and in one said that she hoped he had a nice life and that his whore would no longer be a part of it. Now I asked him how he felt about that comment. He told me it didn't bother him but I could tell he was lying. I can just see him calling her and saying " No I never thought of you that way" So we got into another one of our arguments but this time he's back to being defensive..So he left for work..And I did something I shouldn't have done..I Called the OW's Mother..I don't know what I was thinking..I told her that her daughter has been having an affair with my husband for months now and if she doesn't stop with the texts and calls I'll go to the police..She didn't say much and I could tell she was angry..From what i understand she thinks little of her daughter since she had a baby with a married man 3 yrs ago..I apologized for calling so late and hung up..5 mins later my H is calling me yelling at me and asking me if I know what i've done? He says that the OW threatned to come and beat me up..and get him fired..Then he proceeded to tell me that we're finished, he doesn't want me anymore and If I want him to stay here he's here only for the kids and to leave him be..but how do I do this?? 2 days ago he swore he didn't love her anymore and wanted to work on us, told me the texts didn't bother him..I know I need him here financially and the last time I threw him out he called begging and crying promising me that it was over..I know what I NEED to do but how do I do it? How do I let him stay here and continue with his affair? How do I pretend that it's not killing me? I want to go out and get some affection of my own..It's been so long and I'm so lonely..If I throw him out then he'll end up with her and her son while my kids and I suffer..I'm so tired of this rollercoaster ride that has become my life.I need to get stronger, I deserve a Man who loves me and wants me..this is so unfair..How does one go from promising to lvoe you forver and then one day they treat you like garbage?

[Hope4us]

I think you have done GREAT!

Look, you just put a major kink in his fantasy life. I don't know your whole story, but exposing the affair to people that can have an impact in it's demise is the thing to do in my book. DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO WHAT HE'S SAYING RIGHT NOW.

So two days ago he swore he didn't love her anymore and now he's mad because her mom knows? What's that tell you?

Like I said, I don't know your story, but from what you've written here it sounds like he wasn't over her and you just messed up his little fantasy world. Don't worry. Waywards get over the anger. Just stay consistent. I think his affair may be on the ropes now.

And just a little advise. I'm with you on the lonely and needing affection, but don't do something you'll regret later. If you did and your H wakes up (which will probably happen soon after the affair actually ends) it would make recovery that much harder.

Keep up the good fight. We're with you.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think you have done GREAT!

Look, you just put a major kink in his fantasy life. I don't know your whole story, but exposing the affair to people that can have an impact in it's demise is the thing to do in my book. DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO WHAT HE'S SAYING RIGHT NOW.

So two days ago he swore he didn't love her anymore and now he's mad because her mom knows? What's that tell you?

Like I said, I don't know your story, but from what you've written here it sounds like he wasn't over her and you just messed up his little fantasy world. Don't worry. Waywards get over the anger. Just stay consistent. I think his affair may be on the ropes now.

And just a little advise. I'm with you on the lonely and needing affection, but don't do something you'll regret later. If you did and your H wakes up (which will probably happen soon after the affair actually ends) it would make recovery that much harder.

Keep up the good fight. We're with you.

What H4U said.

[Sugar and Spice]

W2M,

There was nothing wrong with what you did, so don't beat yourself up about it. Your H will get over his anger. This was just a reality check for him and he doesn't like it, OH WELL.

Like the others said, you are doing great and keep up the good work. This too shall pass.

I understand the lonely and need affection thing too, but doing that will only make a bad situation worse and IMHO negate all of the wonderful work you are doing. We are here for you.

[Starshyne]

When I called the OW I thought I had majorly messed up. H was so angry at me. He even yelled "You really F 'ed up my life!" He has never swore at me before or since. I thought I had just written my own divorce papers at that point. However....calling the OW was a huge wake up call for him and for her. She ended their relationship a few weeks later. She also was able to answer some of my questions that H wouldnt' answer. After I called her, I had a peace that I didn't have before. My biggest mistake in all of it was that I told H too much about what she said. I told him because it was mean and I wanted to hurt him. That was wrong. I know that calling the OW isn't ideal for most, but I just wanted you to know that I thought my H would never get over the anger, and he was over it at least 2 days later if not sooner.

Sara

[water2moon]

I'm a mess..Part of me wants him to stay here..But I can't live on these terms of his..He had promised me that this time it was over for real. He seemed so sincere and was so wonderful to me. However her 60 + texts and calls per day got to be too much for me to deal with. He seemed to be enjoying it. Today i told him he needs to go and get a place, he says we're done and he no longer wants me.He'll never be able to love me again if she's still in the picture. I think I need to go dark for a while and see what happens..Thank you for the responses..I really appreciate all the advice.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

He had promised me that this time it was over for real. He seemed so sincere and was so wonderful to me. However her 60 + texts and calls per day got to be too much for me to deal with. He seemed to be enjoying it.

W2M,

You need to understand, that all cheaters lie. All of them, every time. This is why I've tried to encourage you to put a no-contact and transparency system in place, IF your husband is sincere.

It sounds like he isn't, but this will quickly snuff out the b.s. and let you focus on the task at hand, and make some good decisions for yourself. The next he says "this time it's over for real," or "I'm no longer in contact with her," ask him to send her a no-contact leter (the content of which is to be approved by you, and it is to be delivered by a 3rd party), and to set up a transparency plan that YOU feel comfortable with, so he can rebuild your trust.

I can give you details on all of that, but I strongly suspect he won't even let you get to that point, because he sounds, frankly, like he's playing you.

I'm sorry. I know this hurts.

Puppy

[Starshyne]

What does a "transparency plan" look like? Are there examples of this online?

I know that my H wasn't willing to send OW a no contact letter when he "broke it off" with her. And they got back together 2 days later. It wasn't until OW ended it with him that things really took hold, but that isn't ideal either. You would like for your spouse to break it off with the Ow and be open about it.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm never sure what constitutes "advertising" around here, and gets deleted by the moderators, but just google "infidelity transparency harley" and I'm sure you'll find some good resources.

[water2moon]

Well here is the latest..As usual I am not good at the Whole DB thing..I have a fiery temper and I'm tired of taking the crap that H keeps dishing out. He told me he wants to stay here and do whatever he wants..No more calls to me, no more explaining where he is..Also I think that OW ordered him another cell phone..he denies it but my snooping led me to find out that she did order a new phone. I don't understand how 2 days ago he seemed so sincere when he told me he no longer cared about the OW. So I told him he had to go..today..I forced him out actually..So he says he went to look at places..who knows if he did or if he was just with the OW. He said he found one potential place in Queens..40 mins away from his Daughters..I asked him why can't he get a place here on Long Island but he insists that he needs to save money on gas and be closer to work, I'm sure that the OW living in Queens has nothing to do with it..He is at work now and we just got off the phone..a 60 minute conversation that accomplished nothing..Lots of accusations and denials from him that he's no longer with her..But I just don't buy it.. I can't let him live here as a stranger. I want my husband back and I know he's not trying like he said he would. He tells me my husband is gone and to just get over it.. I know you probably think I'm selfish but i'm tired of looking for crumbs or any sign that he still cares when he makes it so obvious he doesn't love me anymore..this hurts so bad and when he's around I feel worse than when he's not. Who knows maybe i'll be stronger without him. I would love to hear from someone who's lived through something similar.