Sick of it

[Dom R]

Well, not totally going down the D road... but I'm sick of waiting. Sick of her lying to me about what she's doing. Sick of her dating people online, and to some extent in real life.

Sick of her dumb excuses about why she "cant" do stuff, either with the 5 of us, or just the two of us.

She's been pulling back lately, in one of the last remaining areas we've been close. Closing herself off from letting me do things for her.

Plus other wierd little signals, that to me says she's ramping up her next boyfriend, and so pulling back from me.

I'm sick of the rollercoaster with her. Sick of being on my own when I dont have my children with me.

Doing meetup.com stuff was fun for a while... but it's never on my schedule any more. plus I end up almost never seeing the same people twice. And frankly, I'd like some more individual attention.

She's been feeding her ego off male attention for the last 4 years now. She's had a wonderful menu of 6 other guys, AND me, giving her positive attention.

Well, this male is starved for some positive female attention back, and I'm not getting any from her.
So maybe it's time to ask her what she thinks "separated" people are free to do, and then see whether I enjoy living by her rules instead of my own for once.

[minkerman]

Dom, you have been so helpful on so many of our threads, it's saddening to read this from you.

I hope we are able in some small way to help you as well.

I totally get how you are sick and tired of her drama. I'm sick of mine and it's only been 6 months.

[catfan]

Dom oh man do I know what you are feeling. It's hard for us that have been at this a long, long time. At some point we do have to ask ourselves that question we've not wanted to address, when is enough, enough? Only we know when that point is for us, no one else can tell us when.

So if you think you are getting to that point ask yourself a few simple questions before you do something you later regret. 1) Is this me or frustration/anger/bitterness talking? 2) What is it I really am wanting to achieve? 3) Is giving up really the answer? and 4) What are the positives and negatives of our situation?

Lastly, I can't recall if you ever did dig deep into the MLC stuff, if you haven't it may be a good idea to dig in and educate yourself. I say this because my impression is MLC is a long process and it takes a lot of strength for the LBS to stand.

[Sara]

Dom,

Sometimes, they don't know what they've got til it's gone.

[sgctxok]

Great advice, cat!

[Dom R]

it's been 4 years.
4 years of lies, and betrayal, while she pursued 100% selfish goals, and hurt our children for it. 2 years in front of me, and 2 years hiding behind (and at the same time, from) her mother.


What is it I want to achieve?
I want to be with someone who cares about me, and my children.
Someone who cares enough to actually change her actions from "what makes her and her alone feel good ", to "what makes our FAMILY happy".

I want to be with someone who is glad to see me. Who doesnt stop smiling at me when their mother, or aunt, or "friends" are around, because she has to keep up the lies she's told about me.

For that matter, someone who doesnt surround themselves with angry, bitter people who scorn marriage, and families.
Someone who VALUES commitment to them.

Someone who wants to hug me, and who wants to be hugged by me, every day. Not just when no-one is looking.



I want a best friend. a lover.
a life-partner.

The woman i chose to marry, seems to have decided that those things are not important to her any more.

She's still chasing after being "in love", rather than someone who is capable of giving and recieving real love.
After 4 years.


Sad thing is, she also seems to be chasing after marriage, in a really twisted way. For the second time, she's chasing after a married man, it would seem. I'm wondering if she thinks that, since they were/are married, they somehow understand long-term relationships better., and are better for a long-term relationship somehow.

The crazy thing is: I know a little about both their marriages; the reason theirs failed/are failing, is that they didnt do well in how they treated their marriages either. So they're even WORSE in that reguard, than her earlier failed romances.



As it has been said many times; love is a choice.
On my better days, i choose to hold onto the positive qualities that she has, and love her.
On my weaker days, I remember that if I choose selfishly to be with someone else, who is easier for me to be with; it will deprive my children of the unified family that they NEED.

On my blacker days, such as today, though... i stare into the abyss of "never". I look at a future where my wife will refuse to put our children ahead of herself, and keep chasing fantasies until they leave her, and it will be too late. Both for them, and her.

If she will never choose to value family... then what's the point of waiting for her? Why not make myself happier... and also maybe make my children a little happier as well.
They would benefit from seeing what a real marriage looks like.
They're certainly not seeing it from their mother. Or their grandparents.
Or pretty much anyone else their mother exposes them to.
She only believes in associating with members of "the angry bitter divorcees club" in real life.

well, me remarrying is a long time down the road, I suppose.

but in the meantime, I would really like someone to curl up next to again.

I need caring, human, female touch.
I'm not getting it. She's cut me off, it would seem. Eventually, i'll go crazy without it.
I feel like doing something i've never done before, such as going and finding a bar somewhere, and "picking someone up"... just for the touch factor.

I hate being this way.
I hate feeling this way.

but what I hate the most, is that I know myself enough to know that eventually, i'm not going to be strong enough to stop doing that sort of thing.
and if I start down that road... then I'll be even less motivated to keep standing for our marriage.

my selfish side is starting to pull me more and more these days.
When she first left, I was in agony... but mostly for the "us" factor. of losing "our" family, and "our" marriage.

nowadays, though, I'm being pulled more for "me". because "us", seems like something she wont let happen, so it doesnt seem like much of a possibility any more.

seems like she's holding the door too tightly shut.
And she's currently in the process of hammering nails into the borders.

oh, there's a nice little window... about 6 inches x 6 inches. enough to easily hold a conversation through. But definately no getting through it.

[Dom R]

It's tough to "wait for the blow".

Before she left, i think my wife (mistakenly) thought I would divorce her if I found out the truth about her relationship with OM #2. That probably played some small part in her moving out when it was uncovered.

I think my feelings right now, are at least halfway the way they are, because I think she's trying to make this latest "friend" the justification to herself for finalizing the divorce, and the various other things she's doing right now.

She still says she's not planning to finalize it. But she said she wouldnt do a lot of other things in the last 3 years, too. Her actions didnt match up with her words.

Right now, her actions are speaking a whole lot louder than her words.
Hanging on to a pending OSC for support, when I'm already informally paying her more than she would get. Trying to get me to buy her out of our house when the reasons she claims she "needs" the money now, are bogus. Plus this whole "pulling back" thing.

It's just screaming to me, "her actions arent matching her words; she's setting things up to hit you again".

She served me with D papers, when OM #3 got big, and she wanted to be 'free' to pursue him. So my scars are telling me #6 could be motivation for finalizing things.
If she does, I'm sure she'll claim "IT'S NOT ABOUT HIM!!!"

Just like #3 wasn't the reason for serving me, and #2 wasnt the reason she moved out.

Wonder if it's going to be 5 years, or 10 years, until the "love high" hormones wear off enough for her to look at her actions, and her life, clearly again.


Dammit, i cant sleep again.

[ms ladybug]

Hey, Dom, I couldn't not reply! Sounds like we're both in a funk. I woke up feeling sad, and can't seem to shake it. Some days I'm much better, but today, I'm feeling poopy about the whole thing!

You've helped a lot of people over here. (I kinda picture you as the wise man on the hill). But, I'm sorry your wife is taking so long to figure things out. One thing, for sure, is that she WILL figure things out. There will be some moment in her life, that she'll look back and see where she really screwed things up...and she'll regret it terribly. Will she ever admit it when she gets to that point? I don't know. But, she will get there.

Sleep, baby, sleep. Clarity often comes in the morning (after coffee...)

[cat03]

On my weaker days, I remember that if I choose selfishly to be with someone else, who is easier for me to be with; it will deprive my children of the unified family that they NEED.

i dont' think those are week days, it is just you being HUMAN, craving for companionship and for a loving R like any of us, we all feel that way, I actually don't remember the last time being held with actual love, it's normal to want to have a R with someone who is happy to see us and to whom we are also their best friend.

It is not about having someone else who is easier to be with, it is about finding a loving partner. Sadly, your W, like my H, have lost sight of what a family is, symbolizes, it is like it is not on their vocabulary, they dont' find joy in that family union anymore, their selfishness/cowardice does not let them fight for what could be a great M/family.

I too gotten my times when I wanted to go to a bar and ...

But, we would both hate ourselves in the morn, and we actually have morals, unlike our Ss.

Her high may or may not go away in 5/10/15yrs, it is now time to take care of yourself and make plans as if she' not coming back, 4yrs is an awful long time. I'm aware that a few Ms have been saved after 3yrs and plus, frankly, I've given all I could and I just couln't put my life on hold anymore hoping stbx will come back to me. More power to those who can live in limbo for so long, it depends on how long you are willing to wait without self-destruction.

[kml]

Right now, her actions are speaking a whole lot louder than her words.
Hanging on to a pending OSC for support, when I'm already informally paying her more than she would get.

Here's your problem right here. Why on earth would she go through with the divorce when she can get more money by stringing you along? IMHO, this is a mistake, to make it financially advantageous for the WAS to keep stringing you along.

Either get the divorce OR cut back what you pay her to what the courts would order. IMHO.

Ellie