for better,for worse,for (what)ever

[seekpeaceofmind]

Thought I'd move over to the Separated forum for a while. It's been 7 months since H moved out and no progress, so I'm not sure how much longer I can manage to stay like this. I thought in the beginning that h*ll wld freeze over before I would file. I think my H is too passive-aggressive to do it himself and it seems most WAS/MLCers don't do it for some reason. But - I also think I made a big mistake in telling him when he brought up D in January that I wasn't trying to set a deadline for moving forward and that I was willing to give him the time and space he seems to need right now. I basically gave him an open-ended free pass to live in limbo-land as long as he wants - no pressure at all. Now, I am feeling like I need somehow to move on and I don't think I can do it while still M.

I basically gave him an open-ended free pass to live in limbo-land as long as he wants - no pressure at all. Now, I am feeling like I need somehow to move on and I don't think I can do it while still M.

I think there are a few of us in the same position - Spouse is not moving towards us, but they're not moving further away either. They have the best of both worlds, as they can have their freedom and do their own thing, but they can also come back to their little family life when they feel like it also.

I wish I had an answer for you. I think this is why many say that the LBS can often become the WAS who ultimately ends the marriage. I've been separated for six months - We've not talked about D in a long time, other than W joking that it might save us some tax dollars...

[seekpeaceofmind]

H and I have very little contact. Maybe a total of 1 hr in the 3 mos since he quit MC and brought up D (which he framed as being for my benefit. . . ). I told him the other day that I need to talk with him about moving the rest of his stuff out as I want to get the house ready to sell. So, he took some things this w/e - came and went while I was out. I really do want to move, but that is so stressful on top of everything else that I am only taking baby steps. I thought that seeing me move forward might give him a sense that I am letting go. I see no chance for him to turn back to me if he takes me for granted. He needs to feel that he is pursuing a challenge and here I am totally open and exposed. Right now, I have only 1 R goal, which is for him to initiate a call to me just to say hi and check-in. Even something as simple as that seems unlikely to happen.

Brit - I follow your thread, but don't usually post. Your empathy and patience for your W astound me. She is definitely getting the best of both worlds. . . .

[seekpeaceofmind]

Really struggled with sadness this weekend. It was basically a lost weekend. I believe a lot of it is PMS which exaggerates my moods. A lot of times in our M, the mood that would come out and cause trouble was anger (hurt, frustration, whatever - it looked and acted like anger). The thing about the PMS is that the mood comes first - it isn't tied to thought. Usually, your thoughts create your moods, but this is the other way around. The mood is intense and I feel like I have little control over it while in the throes of it.

I have a demanding week ahead at work which starts with a meeting first thing this a.m., so I need to pull myself together. Came on here instead of reading as usual b/c my first impulse on waking up the last couple of days was to call H and ask him to please come home. I would never act on that urge, but it upsets me and so I will look for inspiration by seeing other's stories.

[cat03]

hugs))))))))) I hanged on for 8 mths when H left the first time, my goal was 1yr, that was the deadline I gave *myself* because the few times we talked with H he always said how he just couldn't adhere to any deadline (was depressed, etc, not in good shape).
What do you do about GAL?

PMS does mess with our minds, I hadn't believe it until this year, I feel the mood coming first, as you said, and then it all goes down hill. Tonight rent a good movie, get a treat and veg out, dont' do anything useful :P

[seekpeaceofmind]

My high school boyfriend (HSBF) contacted me out of the blue a couple of days ago. Email to my work asking to meet for lunch sometime. This is someone who I think of sometimes when I need to be reminded what "not to do" in DB. We had dated the whole time I was in HS, but I broke up with him at graduation. He took it v badly and pursued for a couple of yrs. In the first few mos he acted out his pain with risky behavior. Suicide was mentioned. He and others made sure I knew how much I had hurt this poor guy. I was held responsible for his pain. I truly cared about him, but we were young and this was the choice that was right for me. Everyone - even my own parents - pressured to me feel selfish about this choice. This all turned me away from him even further. We had a brief reconciliation when I went to college, b/c I was homesick. Part of me knew even at the time that I was using him and I felt like a bad person. It did not cause me to want to be closer to him. We had no friendship after that. He pursued for about another year. His actions caused the opposite reactions in me and I wanted only for him to give up. So, when I think about doing something like calling H and pouring all of my pain out at his feet or begging him "why don't you love me as I love you" or writing him a letter explaining why his choices are so wrong to me or even trying to reach out with gifts or nice gestures - all I have to do is remember what happened when I was on the receiving end and how it turned me away from HSBF for DECADES.

So, here we are in the present. I think I have seen HSBF on 3 occasions over the past 30 years and each time I have still felt his pain as a barrier that friendship cannot cross. I don't know why he wants to see me. I know that my sister told him of my sitch. Maybe he wants closure now. Maybe he is ready to be friends. Who knows - I believe that he is happily married and a good guy, so I don't think he wants to see if there is any hope after all these years. But - here is the point of this long story - I don't really want to see him. B/c of this history and the negativity that I feel in response to him, I don't want to be in the position to feel yet more discomfort and guilt. I told him that I would see him, but only b/c I think I "owe" it to him - especially if he still needs closure after so much time has passed.

I realize that my H probably feels exactly the same way in relation to me and it is so hard to accept. I have such limited opportunity to see H and make him feel comfortable again to be around me. I was anxious when we tried to have lunch months ago and now I see him in 5 minute intervals on the rare occasions to exchange mail or a check. He came to the house on Saturday - w/o giving me a time of course - and I was out doing errands so I missed him. He thought I was deliberately avoiding him. I need for him to come here and move the rest of his stuff out and I really do not want to be here to watch 1/2 my life go out the door. But, maybe I should so that I can do the DB "act happy and confident" routine. I just don't think I could pull it off under those circumstances. How am I ever going to show H that he can turn back to me - that we could be good together again?

[Edge]

I'm not sure if I would meet with the HSBF, but if you are comfortable with it I think it should be fine. It sounds like it has been a long time since you have talked. There may be enough distance since the original sitch with him to make the convo less emotional. Does H know you may see him?

I can totally relate to the lack of contact with H. It seems impossible to do any real DBing when there is so little contact. I wish I could give more advice in that area, but I know that initiating more contact has always backfired for me. He says he just isn't ready for a friendship or anything else. That ends up being more painful to hear than the silence. When you do see H (even if only for 5 minutes) you need to remember to act as if. Be happy and upbeat, like the encounter is just another thing to do in your happy life. Don't let him think that you are waiting to see him. I think the missed meeting with him may have been a good thing. It might have shown him that you are GAL. That isn't a bad thing. If he gave you no specific time, he was expecting you to sit around and wait for him. It is good that you showed him that you aren't doing that. I'll keep up with your sitch. I don't always have advice to give because I feel like I am failing miserably at this in my own sitch. I wish you luck.

[seekpeaceofmind]

I think I have done ok with H in last couple of face-to-face - I'm not a perky person, but I smile, make eye contact, and usually find an opening to tease him a little. It doesn't seem to leave him wanting more, though . . .

I'm having a hard time with the whole thing this week. I worked from yesterday afternoon until 10:00 p.m. last night packing his books and personal things that were around the house. I've been thinking about doing it for a long time, and having it hang over my head was really bothering me. There is still some stuff in the office and kitchen to pack up. I want to do this myself b/c I want to decide what stays/goes, I don't want him or whoever he brings with him on moving day to pick through my stuff and I wanted to fill in around the gaps as his things were taken away. To me, this is the visible expression of our lost marriage. It saddens me deeply. I'm not sure why it was important to me to get this done, except that I thought it might lead to a change somehow. It might help me to actually let go if I take physical action that symbolizes letting go.

The only thing that gives me any hope is seeing the success stories and knowing that a sitch can seem hopeless and the M can still revive.

I'm not looking forward to seeing HSBF, which I feel guilty about - but I can't just turn down his overture without feeling even more guilty. I know I can use all the friends I can get now - maybe I'm not such an undesirable person if he can still care about me as a friend after all these years.

[seekpeaceofmind]

I had C yesterday. What I really want is for my thoughts and feelings to catch up with my reality. I wish for my M to continue and H to come back but no real hope or reason to think that this will happen. I have been trying to stop wanting what I can't have, but it doesn't work that way. The wishes will be what they are - I just have to let them be while I live in the present reality. I am making my decisions on the reality and not my wishes, but it means that I have this conflict going on inside me all the time. I'd rather want what I have, but I just don't. I still miss H every day, often. I don't want to be stuck here, but I am.

[Jbly]

I read your last post. I can understand the pain you feel. You are not in control of how the M continues. There was nothing I could do or say to change my wifes mind. Seemed to take forever to move past this point. What I wanted was not what she wanted and she was perfectly happy with the way things were progressing. There is no reasoning with someone in that state of mind or if they are very appathetic. I didn't realize that your H was in public service. I can understand his mindset in the way he deals with the crazy stuff that goes on out there, unfortunately it affects the M. I have several coworkers and friends that are in the same profession and they all deal with the extremes of that job. I know of two that are currently in marriage counseling. I know they are being encouraged to leave the profession if they wish to keep the M going. I guess it comes down to how much you love your partner and the promise that they made when they said I DO. While I understand how easy it is for your H to act in the manner that you see him now, its not right and you and the M should be put before the job. You wrote to me last week about the rut that you seem to have fallen into and seeing no way out and wondering if you should continue DB. Talking about the feelings and the events of the day help, don't stop DB. Curious, how much of your H is still around you, ie pictures, belongings and just stuff that constantly reminds you of him??? Would now be a good time to remove those items from sight just to give the mind a rest, just a thought.