Still trying to be patient

[Sugar and Spice]

Karen IMHO if she has already been divorced a "couple" of times and your H isn't pushing for a divorce, maybe he realizes that they are doomed to fail from the start.

It sounds like you had a fun weekend and I'm with Kat, Halloween is my FAVORITE!!! Its hard to have them leave, but the peace they leave behind is a blessing. I will have to try and take a page out of your DB'ing book, you do it so well!

Have a great day and good for your DS, the kids will form their own opinions of H and his actions (mine sure have!). Kids are so smart, they see much more than we give them credit for. Glad to see you will be taking them to C too. Its helped mine so much. Keep up the good work
Corey

[SueS]

Karen-

Just stopping by to say hi!

You sound so good. I saw in one of your other posts that you are forming an even stronger bond with your kids than before. I see that with my D4. They do see who the more stable parent is. That's you for sure!!

Thanks for stopping by my thread all the time. I know life is busy for you and I appreciate it.

Have a great day!

SueS

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Boy, our H's seem to pick winners!! I had read somewhere once that people cheat down, meaning that they don't get someone just like their spouse, but someone maybe a step or 2 down from their spouses level. Not trying to make that sound snobbish, just that the left behind spouse might have a strong moral system, work ethic, good parenting skills etc, and the OP does not have as strong as skills in these areas for example.
kat

This is true over 75% of the time. My wife's affair partner, while 20 years younger than her, also drove a P.O.S. pickup truck with a broken sideview mirror, had HORRIBLE acne, and LIVED WITH HIS FREAKING PARENTS.

Hahahahahahahah

Puppy

[karen43]

Not trying to make that sound snobbish, just that the left behind spouse might have a strong moral system, work ethic, good parenting skills etc, and the OP does not have as strong as skills in these areas for example.
kat

Well, I think that's true in my case and I've seen that in other cases here as well. But you know my H thinks the OW is better than me b/c she is a full-time attorney and I "don't have a job" as he says--just being a full-time mom and homeschooling our two. Karen

[SueS]

Well, I think that's true in my case and I've seen that in other cases here as well. But you know my H thinks the OW is better than me b/c she is a full-time attorney and I "don't have a job" as he says--just being a full-time mom and homeschooling our two. Karen

Karen- How dare he feel that way about you because you chose to be a loving, caring, involved mom. That's just wrong! What about her messed up (poor things) kids. You know, my H seems to think that OW is better than I am. Oh Yeah, a woman who will sacrifice her relationship with her 4 kids (and trust me, she does) for a married man with a child......she's the better choice.

You are a WONDERFUL person!! He's got the issues and hopefully he'll see that some day.

SueS

[karen43]

This is true over 75% of the time. My wife's affair partner, while 20 years younger than her, also drove a P.O.S. pickup truck with a broken sideview mirror, had HORRIBLE acne, and LIVED WITH HIS FREAKING PARENTS.

Hahahahahahahah

Puppy

Puppy, I think you definitely get the award for most awful OP!!! I don't understand that at all!!! Karen

[karen43]

This is true over 75% of the time. My wife's affair partner, while 20 years younger than her, also drove a P.O.S. pickup truck with a broken sideview mirror, had HORRIBLE acne, and LIVED WITH HIS FREAKING PARENTS.

Hahahahahahahah

Puppy

Puppy, I think you definitely get the award for most awful OP!!! I don't understand that at all!!! Karen

[sideswiped2]

Hi Karen

What is sad for me is that in DR you are told to try and work out what h is getting from the ow that he was not getting with you - well in my case the ow is a musician and plays various instruments and sings, she is in a successful band. My h always felt that he had to give up his music dream to be in a family. He is getting that from her. I could never compete...I am at a stage where I am starting to beleive that ow is a far better catch than me. My h is growing even more distant and has detached from me and d almost completely...I will update on my thread.

[SueS]

sideswiped-

I don't know if this will come out right or not. OW is a different option for your H, not a better one. The OW in my sitch seems to be more outgoing than I am. That doesn't mean she's better. I can't count the number of times that my H has said to people, just give yourself some time to get to know Sue....you'll see that she's not the quiet, shy person you first met.

I know it's tough not to compare yourself to OW. I've done it a thousand times. I changed. I put myself out there more, I did what my H wanted me to do in almost every aspect. In my case, it hasn't made a difference, but that has more to do with the type of person that my H is. I've come to realize that I'm not the lesser of the two of us. I'm just different than OW. You are the better one. You are the stronger one. May not feel that way at times, but you are.

I guess what I want to say is that our H's aren't strong enough to stay & work it out. It's not that you're weak or not as good. They're the weak ones. Not being a man & working it out....that doesn't take strength. You being here, being there for your child, trying to save your marriage. That takes strength. Hugs to you.

Sorry for the hijack Karen.

SueS

[karen43]

What is sad for me is that in DR you are told to try and work out what h is getting from the ow that he was not getting with you - well in my case the ow is a musician and plays various instruments and sings, she is in a successful band. My h always felt that he had to give up his music dream to be in a family. He is getting that from her. I could never compete...I am at a stage where I am starting to beleive that ow is a far better catch than me. My h is growing even more distant and has detached from me and d almost completely...I will update on my thread.

Feel free to hijack as much as you want Sue! I agree with everything you said (so eloquently)!

Sideswiped, I think, at least the way I interpret DR is that you should work on the issues that your H is looking for that you also think you should work on. I mean, I know my H has said several times my not having a full-time job is a problem for him b/c he doesn't see what I am doing as worthwhile. Although of course it is worthwhile, I guess b/c I don't get a paycheck in my H's mind that means what I do is not as valuable as what the OW does (some kind of tax law or something). And I don't think I can compete with a full-time attorney in the job area, nor do I want to. For me, doing what I do (and maybe getting a part-time job) is more important. I think my H is wrong about the way he values things, so I don't agree with my H in that case. The OW also ignores her kids a lot, and that's something else I don't want to emulate!

I do know my H wanted me to be more independent, sociable, keep a cleaner house, and I was also depressed which I think affected our R as well. I have decided to work on those issues b/c those are ones that I agree would be good for me to work on and I have been a lot happier working on some of those issues which I think is a sign that I am doing the right changes for me.

My H thinks OW is a better option right now and I know 90% of affairs fail, so at some point he will probably realize that she isn't better than me, just different. If he prefers someone to me who has had several divorces, messed-up kids, has an affair while married with kids with a married man with kids, and prefers to spend time working & having affairs instead of being with her kids, then she is the better choice for him, but I will never believe she is better than me. And I don't think the OW in your sitch is better than you either!!!

When I was back in the early days of finding out and very angry, I called the OW a tramp and my H said he is no better than her. I argued with him, but I think my H and maybe most of the WAS here are messed up and having problems, wanting to try to escape from them, having MLCs or whatever. They def. are making bad choices. I believe a lot of it has nothing to do with us. I have made all the changes my H was always saying he wanted plus more like losing a lot of weight, more self confidence, etc. and he is still gone and with the OW. So I realized it wasn't about me.

But I'm still glad I have worked on all my issues. My next R, whether it is with my H or someone else, I think I am a healthier, happier, better looking person!!! (And very modest too)! And I think all of us here at DB are like that as well! Karen