Count down to separation - so we can "try".

[Abbey]

Transfer over from newbie forum...

H and I are separating at his request. I'm the one moving out... don't want to, but as of the last 2 days conversation... it's the only chance we have to salvage ... "anything" he says.

Wants to start back as friends and from there... we'll see how it goes. He really has no idea what "Friends" consists of, and how it's all going to work... one day at time... he says... one week at a time.

Sigh... I'm a week away from having to move out... this week is going to be frikin' dreadful. I could take ADs by the handful and I'm not sure it would help. All that said ... another date tonight, ... we're going to dinner and a movie tonight.

One thing that he also finally came clean on was that this separation, in his mind is because of how I treated HIM over the last 4 years. Revisionist history bug has sunk in for him... as he's forgotten the endless days I spent alone while he was on the golf course.

During one of our "moments"... he did say that we've "done well" so far as friends living in the same house,... knowing we're separating, (hell we've done more stuff together than most happy married couples)... but yet... he still wants to separate.

He's hell bent on this "friend" thing... problem I have with it is... the self fulfilling sitch that can create... ONLY friends. NOT good enough... I want my husband back.

Anyone wonder how much of this stuff we the LBS contend with,... has to do with chem imbalances in our spouses brains? I'm not talking necessarily of depression per say... but other stuff like a lack of pheromone production etc?

I still swear at times, the man has been upducted by aliens.

Abbey

[Abbey]

Oh... and Michelle,... he said: "I need to be able to step back and see the changes" when we're apart. He wants and needs to SEE those changes in me. (forget for the time being the revisionism that has gone on, of course).

His comfort zone really has taken a turn towards turning the corner since I was put on ADs... (saying we've been doing "good" etc... even with those no no R talks.)

No anger though... a lot of questions... seems more comfortable "saying stuff" in bits and sperts.

Abbey

[MichelleLT]

Found your new thread.

Hang in there. It's only a week. Take it one day at a time.

Thanks for your posts to me. (((Abbey)))

[Abbey]

Last night, after a talk and what he said that we had been doing "good"... we went for dinner... had a nice relaxed time and a movie... and you might remember the time I mentioned he'd relax and touch me by accident for a few minutes... then pull away. Last night... different.

He puts the "arm rest" up on the seats between us... his arm actually rested on my hip on and off for over 3/4's of the time spent in the movie theatre. Wasn't a yank away either... he'd shift then his leg would touch mine for a while... then his forearm would basically lazily invade my space and rest against me.

Bread crumbs, *smile*

Was a nice relaxed outing actually - the weather was nice and we didn't talk about any relationship stuff at all.

Abbey

[klm]

Sounds like you had a nice time last night. When is the actual separation date?

[cat03]

why are you the one leaving? that doestn' seem fair. Does that affect you financially? it shouldn't, if he wants space then he can leave.

If things dont' work out and if they get ugly you can get blamed for abandoning the home (maybe it is just me being neurotic since most of the LBS and WAS on this board dont worry about that, perhaps it is only my distrustful stbx)

[Abbey]

Cat, the legal papers are already negotiated, thankfully.

Because of the situation of the house we're in (needs a renovation done to it that can't be done with all kind of extra furniture in it etc, plus the business aspect of this... I'm the one who's got to leave.) I don't want to... and frankly,... I would have made him leave... however, he is going to have his hands full and this way I have the ability to do "acts of service" (the yard/garden is going to overwhelm him).

I don't plan to be gone long if I have anything to do with it. (Have a few more arsenal ideas I"m working on - more 180 stuff - based on some things he's said and done over the last 2 months).

Yes, he still thinks we may not get back together,... but now hasn't closed the doors, has said so ... and IS in friendship mode. He even went so far as to say he wants to see the changes in me where he can step back abit etc. Since I went on ADs - I'm able to keep much calmer about his utterly confused and mixed signal messages etc. (He said that we're doing good in the friend dept yesterday - so that's a good step). And considering how relaxed he was last night, seems we're making baby steps

Really what's going to happen after I leave is the test. The first month will tell how long or short this thing will take before we're back under the same roof. Obviously I"m worried about what "friends" means in the context of all that has been talked about and hashed over etc. But I asked him this question... what do you think friends means?... You gonna phone me on the night I move?

He smiled and said... of course... Friends phone each other.

*head hits desk*

Frankly he's just horribly confused about his feelings because of some of the things that have happened in the last 6 months. I used the analogy breadcrumbs. Now I have to show him that he'd be crazy not to want me back with him... and as Michelle said, he has to miss me. He wants a friend by god... he'd going to get one.

Another aspect of this that Michelle mentioned is that in their minds... they *have* to see these things through. Even if he was having second doubts right now... he'd still need to make this play out.

I have to take this as an opportunity to NOW make our friendship and then relationship into what we both DREAMT it was going to be... and wanted it to be. I have even said that at various times in the last 2 weeks and considering some of the things he's volunteered like "we're doing good" etc... I'm going to assume I'm on the right track with laying out "the path of breadcrumbs" that shows him what we can have.

Lots of work...

Abbey

[Abbey]

KLM next Tuesday...

Abbey

[cat03]

gotcha. I was told once "sometimes you have to let go to see if it was worth hanging on to it", I pray this sep. is a constructive one and that he realizes what he can have with you.

[Abbey]

Thanks Cat... me too.

The whole thing gets complicated because he wants... I mean *really* wants to be friends. Go out once a week... see a movie etc. Phone calls etc. Basically now I have to be the person he'd be a total imbecile not to want to be with. Means making ME the best I can be. (I'm loving these ADs ... haven't cried at a sad song in a week!)

Mine came out (finally) and said this is because of the way I've treated him in the last 4 years. (He's revised history... I'll spare ya the gory details) :)... suffice to say he wants to be treated nice... Ok... this I can do. 180s, (he's got no idea what's coming down the pipe at him in the 180 dept). He'll get the "old"... but "new improved" Abbey. And friend ya want... the friend ya get! Also... someone said here... I'll have rules too... I want this to be the opportunity to MAKE the relationship back into what it should have been before we screwed it up. No more lazy sliding on nurturing us etc.

He also has a book to "read"... I'll know what I"m up against, if he reads it or not. I"m NEVER going through this heart break ever again. When I'm confident (which comes and goes *smile)... I know that we have to earn back each other.

Abbey